Sunday, November 18, 2018

FAMILY BLOOD (2018) [Joe's Review]

In Family Blood, a mom with addiction issues becomes a vampire. Will her uncontrollable urges tear her family apart or will her vampire boyfriend do it first?!

So, the first half or so of family blood is about a mom’s struggle with addiction. But she doesn’t struggle. If she met addiction at a speed dating event, she’d be married to it the next day. She is ALL IN on addiction. On the flipside, she’s never met a good decision that she liked.

In one scene, she goes to AA. That’s good, right?

But when you go to AA you probably shouldn’t leave and walk alone to your car through the city park at night.

But if you do decide to walk through the park alone, you shouldn’t stop and hang out on the swing set.

But hey, if you do hang out on the swings and you get stalked by a hobo, you shouldn’t walk up to him and talk to him, even if he's got drugs. ESPECIALLY if he's got drugs.

But even if you do that, you should say “No!” if he offers you lots of pills.

But if you do accept the pills, you should take them home and do just one or two of them later. What if they upset your stomach in the middle of the fucking park at night?

You should not just eat an entire bag of pills given to you by a hobo at the park after your AA meeting.

But if you do, you definitely shouldn’t get back on the swings.

Because a vampire will show up and make you drink his blood.

And if that happens, you definitely should not start going out with the vampire. Because he'll throw your kid down the stairs. And that is all exactly what happens.

Now, vampire stepdad wants to be a steady calming influence on the family, but the kids don’t trust him, and he also wants to eat them all.

This whole dynamic plays out hilariously in a scene where the son is upset and is like “You’re bad and you’re going to eat us, you monster!”

And vampire stepdad comes back with a pretty creative response to the effect of “Yeah!? You ever heard of gargoyles. They look scary but they’re actually there to protect you!”

And the kid's like “No you’re here to eat us.”

And he’s like “I’m not here to eat you!”

And the kid is like “You’re not here to eat us!”

And he’s like “I am here to eat you! Wait…goddammit! RRRRRRAH!”

They’re on the second floor of the house, and he grabs the kid and throws him all the way to the first floor! He didn’t just throw him down the stairs. He threw him AT the stairs, and then the kid WENT down, which is super far!

Anyway, the reason that you know vampire stepdad is fundamentally evil is because he has these disgusting brown jagged teeth that he hides under a literal veneer. Well, by the end of the movie the mom gets them, too. This is what they look like:

She covers her gross vampire teeth with veneers that look totally normal. But how does she even know she has disgusting teeth? Can she see them in a mirror? And if she goes to a dentist to get a veneer, couldn't she just go get a fluoride treatment and some floss? 

This isn't how veneers even work! You don't put them over your big nasty brown teeth, because veneers HAVE to be bigger than whatever the fuck they're covering. If she put a veneer over those puppies, it would look like this:

Questions for Paul:

1. How would you rank movie monsters in terms of dating potential? 

PH:  5.  Hannibal, he loves to cook!
4.  Jason, he loves to hike!
3.  Jigsaw, he loves to bike!
2.  Jaws, he's not just looking for a hook up! 
1.  Pazuzu, he knows all kinds of languages and will do yoga to, I mean, with you!

2. Vampire mom cleans the floor with her tongue, which is great, but what would be some other pluses and minuses of having a vampire mom?

PH: +  No nagging you to brush your teeth
+  Picking up kids at soccer practice would probably be like that scene in Near Dark when the van comes careening across the parking lot with aluminum foil in the windows and screaming.
- Christmas is probably dicey.  Annoying hissing at electric manger scenes in the neighborhood.
- Technically dead, so can't legally sign your field trip permission slips.
- Have to invite her back in every time she takes the garbage out.

3. Did the son get vampire powers?

PH: I think so?  I don't remember.  Do vampire powers include the ability to make someone forget all about you?  If so, then probably yes.

4. Is this how the Munsters starts?

PH: Not really.  I think The Munsters started with unprotected sex in the back of a hearse after the sock hop. 

Want more Family Blood goodness?  Check out Paul's take and my answers to his questions!

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