tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3836642430651621552024-03-13T04:57:00.018-07:00 Rock, Paper, HatchetTandem reviews of recent streaming horrorPaul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.comBlogger80125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-90397663911973636742021-10-11T21:52:00.001-07:002021-10-11T21:52:26.432-07:00The Stephening Day 2: Sleepwalkers (1992)<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xKfmcP2sg2U/YWUFVWiLLCI/AAAAAAAACg8/NuRympW5PAIpZ9DnONA9NhDBtk5HYOddACLcBGAsYHQ/s1392/sleepwalkers5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="859" data-original-width="1392" height="346" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xKfmcP2sg2U/YWUFVWiLLCI/AAAAAAAACg8/NuRympW5PAIpZ9DnONA9NhDBtk5HYOddACLcBGAsYHQ/w562-h346/sleepwalkers5.jpg" width="562" /></a></div> <p></p><p>It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man, in possession of a blue trans-am, must be in want of a high school virgin to feed to his shapeshifting mother/lover. </p><p>So goes <i>Sleepwalkers, </i>the film that dares to combine explicit incest and sexual assault with cute cats and campy one-liners. I think it somehow works, not really in bringing together unlike things to create a brand new wonderful flavor, but rather just careening from scene to scene of omg wtf like is this for real. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k9iwuQZ1pWc/YWUFVaqW0TI/AAAAAAAACg0/F93Tl6bUYNcmrph0KM5XRRaRoiGjlfMxgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1184/sleepwalkers2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="832" data-original-width="1184" height="225" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k9iwuQZ1pWc/YWUFVaqW0TI/AAAAAAAACg0/F93Tl6bUYNcmrph0KM5XRRaRoiGjlfMxgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/sleepwalkers2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Madchen Amick performs an uncomfortably long dance solo with a floor sweeper in a movie theater lobby. Alice Krige stabs a cop with a corncob and then tells grain-impaled corpse to eat its vegetables. Wayne Knight (Newman from Seinfeld) plays an aggressive pedophile creative writing teacher. Ron Perlman is in it. So is Mark Hamill for some reason. The shapeshifters can not only shapeshift but become invisible and also have a car that can turn invisible, and their only weakness is cats.<p></p><p>Cats. I really just want to talk about the cats. </p><p>According to Amazon, <i>Sleepwalkers </i>is "Terrifying, Gritty, Bleak." To this I would also add: "Totes Adorbs."</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0F8Ru-nnJko/YWUFVesPxQI/AAAAAAAACg4/ybq-j23nWUYdcHT_78FAYjZxM2l6WrHcQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1558/sleepwalkers3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="793" data-original-width="1558" height="163" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0F8Ru-nnJko/YWUFVesPxQI/AAAAAAAACg4/ybq-j23nWUYdcHT_78FAYjZxM2l6WrHcQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/sleepwalkers3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BZJA8slLIVA/YWUFVsFHSTI/AAAAAAAAChA/tWdp4VN16isZDmnJ_zFO7Cubk6eGQ8oWwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1544/sleppwalkers4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="826" data-original-width="1544" height="171" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BZJA8slLIVA/YWUFVsFHSTI/AAAAAAAAChA/tWdp4VN16isZDmnJ_zFO7Cubk6eGQ8oWwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/sleppwalkers4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />Last week I had my face melted by the pyrotechnics of <i>Firestarter</i>. But that doesn't hold a candle (cat-dle?) to the feline training-technics of <i>Sleepwalkers</i>. How do you train a herd of cats to act together? Oscar-purrthy performances all around. I know I know, but look at their tiny little faces! Their little paws!<p></p><p>The only ones not amused are the shapeshifters, who, isolated and driven out from society, are forced, like a lonely soul scrolling into the night, to confront angst's perennial foe: oodles of cuteness. </p><p><br /></p>Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-62593862616870836012021-10-03T20:14:00.003-07:002021-10-03T20:14:28.585-07:00The Stephening, Day 1: Firestarter (1984)<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oaS1A2hk6jY/YVpl8wQkfaI/AAAAAAAACfk/X6rBFKkPYf8T2Fn5JDSEfUCfW9-Z73qcwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1132/firestarter4.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="688" data-original-width="1132" height="371" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oaS1A2hk6jY/YVpl8wQkfaI/AAAAAAAACfk/X6rBFKkPYf8T2Fn5JDSEfUCfW9-Z73qcwCLcBGAsYHQ/w611-h371/firestarter4.jpg" width="611" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Starting with <i>Firestarter </i>seems appropriate because it's right there in the title. It's not called <i>Firelighter </i>or <i>Fireigniter, </i>after all. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I had never seen <i>Firestarter</i>, hadn't read the book, and just sort of missed it in the marathon of 80s horror VHSes we churned through during the latchkey years. I had sort of filed it away under "not a great adaptation of not a great King novel" and gave myself a pass not to watch it. </div><span><a name='more'></a></span><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">But oh man that pass was not legit, and all the blame I should put on myself I now telekinetically direct outward, like a shimmering ball of smoky fire, at all of you for not telling me about it! *a single hair wafts beneath a ceiling fan, AC almost kicks on*</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2wlE9wrshu8/YVptKxsMgkI/AAAAAAAACgM/iAmDCwFiyEQnunUMfmqr22wjKGeHLhN2gCLcBGAsYHQ/s1722/firestarter1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1053" data-original-width="1722" height="196" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2wlE9wrshu8/YVptKxsMgkI/AAAAAAAACgM/iAmDCwFiyEQnunUMfmqr22wjKGeHLhN2gCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/firestarter1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Because, I'll tell you, I loved this film and its burning confused heart. It's a film about dads! And the military-industrial complex! And fire safety!</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And then there's the sheer nostalgia throwback of it all. Digital watches! Jokes about microwaves! Heather Locklear! Government agents who drive sweet sweet Buick sedans in all their blocky tan glory! Whoever thought black SUVs were a step up didn't get a load of this badassery. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1dxEn4Dn6uw/YVps__B-RWI/AAAAAAAACgI/GS4n5NDDyHMTy7KktTr3KV9xyv-Sxw3sgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1545/firestarter9.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="739" data-original-width="1545" height="153" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1dxEn4Dn6uw/YVps__B-RWI/AAAAAAAACgI/GS4n5NDDyHMTy7KktTr3KV9xyv-Sxw3sgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/firestarter9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">The film slows down and gets scattered through the middle, but that's ok because the whole thing suspends from one hook: Drew Barrymore's Charlie can, at any point, wreck absolute living hellfire on everyone and everything, and we keep watching because we know she will. And then she does and the whole movie makes up for everything in explosions and conflagration.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">No CGI here (that I'm aware of). Stuff is really on fire. And when I say stuff, I mean, people. So many people on fire. All set to a perfect 80s synth score by Tangerine Dream.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/4sRzks3eR-M" title="YouTube video player" width="560"></iframe><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Three notes in passing:</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">1. George C. Scott's red face casting of the psychopath government hit man John Rainbird is both disappointing and weirdly effective.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">It's disappointing because in the book the character of John Rainbird is actually a Native American. But in the film, because he's played by George C. Scott, famous white actor, I thought Rainbird was supposed to be appropriating in an obnoxious but sort of familiar way. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bGegeF9WgJU/YVpl8xJQkQI/AAAAAAAACfg/hq3MlSP-jPwmUKgrh4_e4HqiezhInYuzwCLcBGAsYHQ/s987/firestarter2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="731" data-original-width="987" height="237" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bGegeF9WgJU/YVpl8xJQkQI/AAAAAAAACfg/hq3MlSP-jPwmUKgrh4_e4HqiezhInYuzwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/firestarter2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And that made it so much more effective! If the psychopath Rainbird, who wants to kill Charlie and steal her power, were white, then the film would be criticizing cultural appropriation rather than, you know, doing it. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">2. The pastoral vs. industrial vs. plantation settings suggest that the military industrial complex is fundamentally linked to antebellum Virginia plantation culture. Like, the tech-modern military installation is literally in the basement of a plantation. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BrZxyJC16Kg/YVpl8_R46jI/AAAAAAAACfo/X26loJ-ssFApwGQUJ6G2A6rlunxjEXu7gCLcBGAsYHQ/s1551/firestarter3.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="684" data-original-width="1551" height="141" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BrZxyJC16Kg/YVpl8_R46jI/AAAAAAAACfo/X26loJ-ssFApwGQUJ6G2A6rlunxjEXu7gCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/firestarter3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And on the other side, you have this aw shucks homestead of the simple and intuitive American farmer who offers you a beer. Much more to say about this and the drift of political imaginary in U.S. culture and such, but instead I'll talk about. . .</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">3. Fire extinguishers. Uncommented fire extinguishers in the background of shots (can you find them all?).</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="753" data-original-width="1482" height="163" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JeCtHw9GQNM/YVpl9lsXOhI/AAAAAAAACfw/wbNts8EHkUglnSJOl6nXU73LjUJ6GiPvQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/firestarter6.jpg" width="320" /><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JeCtHw9GQNM/YVpl9lsXOhI/AAAAAAAACfw/wbNts8EHkUglnSJOl6nXU73LjUJ6GiPvQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1482/firestarter6.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="691" data-original-width="1222" height="181" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rS6_nKccVZs/YVpl-BK_9zI/AAAAAAAACf0/WgFmS7tRRPYeM4MA1AOpk2U7iIKCd-m-gCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/firestarter7.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JeCtHw9GQNM/YVpl9lsXOhI/AAAAAAAACfw/wbNts8EHkUglnSJOl6nXU73LjUJ6GiPvQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1482/firestarter6.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JeCtHw9GQNM/YVpl9lsXOhI/AAAAAAAACfw/wbNts8EHkUglnSJOl6nXU73LjUJ6GiPvQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1482/firestarter6.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="702" data-original-width="1114" height="202" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EIRxdYZy6lk/YVpl-sFpALI/AAAAAAAACf4/EZM4QNv-Anc-iZAWbzQH-PK17I6gZ3zvACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/firestarter8.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Man, that kitchen is so 80s it hits me right in my giant V8 can of a heart.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Next up, Sleepwalkers! Already behind on this little project, but I promise briefer blurbs in the future--I just did not expect to like this film this much.</div></div></div></div></div></div></div><p></p>Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-30001178577528437352021-10-01T10:38:00.000-07:002021-10-01T10:38:40.518-07:00October 2021: The Stephening, A Rock, Paper, Hatchet One Offffff<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-KOpBJI1TGYs/YVZb-5MBdLI/AAAAAAAACd8/FvnmN3jbPZUhnJ8MU93kDnimXnpksMgSQCLcBGAsYHQ/image.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-KOpBJI1TGYs/YVZb-5MBdLI/AAAAAAAACd8/FvnmN3jbPZUhnJ8MU93kDnimXnpksMgSQCLcBGAsYHQ/image.png" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p>Always kind of awkward when your blog goes dormant for years. Especially awkward is that first post back. This is that first post back. So so awkward *shuffles feet* Uh, hey? How you been?</p><p>But wait, before you pop the champagne and tweetstorm about the return of your second-to-least favorite crap blog about horror, I should tell you that we're not really back for good. That's right, this is just a for funsies one-off for October. Because we all need an October project, and I've got an assignment for you! Or actually for me! <span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p>The assignment: watch and drop the hottest of takes about Stephen King films and adaptations. I'm calling it "The Stephening" because I haven't blogged since 2018 and how do people come up with clever titles anyway? Be glad I didn't call it "The King Thing."</p><p>So that's it. One per day through October. I'm prioritizing the ones I've never seen before, though there will be some classics too. Other than that, no particular rhyme or reason to this order. Join in when you can. You know you can. </p><p>Still working through the schedule, but for the first week:</p><p>Oct. 1: Firestarter (1984)</p><p>Oct. 2: Sleepwalkers (1992)</p><p>Oct. 3: Cell (2016)</p><p>Oct. 4: The Cat's Eye (1985)</p><p>Oct. 5: Needful Things (1993)</p><p>Oct. 6: Apt Pupil (1998)</p><p>Oct. 7: Dolan's Cadillac (2009) </p><p>Suggestions for week 2?</p>Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-60533355190614745902018-11-18T19:53:00.000-08:002018-11-18T19:53:17.649-08:00FAMILY BLOOD (2018) [Joe's Review]<br />
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In Family Blood, a mom with addiction issues becomes a
vampire. Will her uncontrollable urges tear her family apart or will her
vampire boyfriend do it first?!</div>
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So, the first half or so of family blood is about a mom’s
struggle with addiction. But she doesn’t struggle. If she met addiction at a
speed dating event, she’d be married to it the next day. She is ALL IN on
addiction. On the flipside, she’s never met a good decision that she liked. <o:p></o:p></div>
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In one scene, she goes to AA. That’s good, right?<o:p></o:p></div>
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But when you go to AA you probably shouldn’t leave and walk alone
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But if you do decide to walk through the park alone, you shouldn’t
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But hey, if you do hang out on the swings and you get
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But even if you do that, you should say “No!” if he offers you lots of pills.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But if you do accept the pills, you should take them home
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You should not just eat an entire bag of pills given to you
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But if you do, you definitely shouldn’t get back on the swings.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Because a vampire will show up and make you drink his blood.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Se30KwFhpeQ/W-Ex47VsqDI/AAAAAAAADTI/8eFMIetAC2EZ52Kb45N23BHI0rBy2l5swCLcBGAs/s1600/vamp.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="848" data-original-width="1600" height="211" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Se30KwFhpeQ/W-Ex47VsqDI/AAAAAAAADTI/8eFMIetAC2EZ52Kb45N23BHI0rBy2l5swCLcBGAs/s400/vamp.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And if that happens, you definitely should not start going out
with the vampire. Because he'll throw your kid down the stairs. And that is all exactly what happens.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, vampire stepdad wants to be a
steady calming influence on the family, but the kids don’t trust him, and he
also wants to eat them all.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This whole dynamic plays out hilariously in a scene where
the son is upset and is like “You’re bad and you’re going to eat us, you
monster!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And vampire stepdad comes back with a pretty creative response to the effect of “Yeah!? You ever heard of gargoyles. They look scary but they’re actually there to protect you!”</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QRW5huKFFtM/W-E0e0NARdI/AAAAAAAADTc/dLmefQsFBEYgU1aNsNUGirhXKiQFeZa-wCLcBGAs/s1600/grg.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="824" data-original-width="1600" height="205" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QRW5huKFFtM/W-E0e0NARdI/AAAAAAAADTc/dLmefQsFBEYgU1aNsNUGirhXKiQFeZa-wCLcBGAs/s400/grg.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bbukw9tgSNw/W-E0hvu1hMI/AAAAAAAADTg/7LyjQ-dkHNwEYUKXtEVgvUKKcfiOK0LbgCLcBGAs/s1600/grg2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="753" data-original-width="1600" height="187" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bbukw9tgSNw/W-E0hvu1hMI/AAAAAAAADTg/7LyjQ-dkHNwEYUKXtEVgvUKKcfiOK0LbgCLcBGAs/s400/grg2.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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And the kid's like “No you’re here to eat us.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And he’s like “I’m not here to eat you!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And the kid is like “You’re not here to eat us!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And he’s like “I am here to eat you! Wait…goddammit!
RRRRRRAH!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They’re on the second floor of the house, and he grabs the
kid and throws him all the way to the first floor! He didn’t just throw him
down the stairs. He threw him AT the stairs, and then the kid WENT down, which
is super far!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SPkQnQaGf8Y/W-E039gI6OI/AAAAAAAADUA/7AQcRIzGSq4kpg1BwkLozPXTCcpoF_cKQCLcBGAs/s1600/stairs.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="729" data-original-width="1600" height="181" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SPkQnQaGf8Y/W-E039gI6OI/AAAAAAAADUA/7AQcRIzGSq4kpg1BwkLozPXTCcpoF_cKQCLcBGAs/s400/stairs.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, the reason that you know vampire stepdad is fundamentally
evil is because he has these disgusting brown jagged teeth that he hides under
a literal veneer. Well, by the end of the movie the mom gets them, too. This is what they look like:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zkpqewV_4tg/W-E3C9RlkBI/AAAAAAAADUc/WHrBZX2j85IdgEJpVS5Nin0Hk3GJ09xhwCLcBGAs/s1600/teeth.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="797" data-original-width="1600" height="198" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zkpqewV_4tg/W-E3C9RlkBI/AAAAAAAADUc/WHrBZX2j85IdgEJpVS5Nin0Hk3GJ09xhwCLcBGAs/s400/teeth.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She covers her gross vampire teeth with veneers that look totally normal. But how does she even know she has disgusting teeth? Can she see them in a mirror? And if she goes to a dentist to get a veneer, couldn't she just go get a fluoride treatment and some floss? </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This isn't how veneers even work! You don't put them over your big nasty brown teeth, because veneers HAVE to be bigger than whatever the fuck they're covering. If she put a veneer over those puppies, it would look like this:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ojqSLMiKz_4/W-E3nW4ZiMI/AAAAAAAADUk/VZplngMVgdYZctwI6FPvYmK901DednrYwCLcBGAs/s1600/teeth2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="797" data-original-width="1600" height="198" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ojqSLMiKz_4/W-E3nW4ZiMI/AAAAAAAADUk/VZplngMVgdYZctwI6FPvYmK901DednrYwCLcBGAs/s400/teeth2.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Questions for Paul:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>1. How would you rank movie monsters in terms of dating potential? </i><br />
<br />
<b>PH:</b> 5. Hannibal, he loves to cook!<br />
4. Jason, he loves to hike!<br />
3. Jigsaw, he loves to bike!<br />
2. Jaws, he's not just looking for a hook up! <br />
1. Pazuzu, he knows all kinds of languages and will do yoga to, I mean, <i>with</i> you!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<i>2. Vampire mom cleans the floor with her tongue, which is great, but what would be some other pluses and minuses of having a vampire mom?</i><br />
<br />
<b>PH: </b>+ No nagging you to brush your teeth<b> </b><br />
+ Picking up kids at soccer practice would probably be like that scene in Near Dark when the van comes careening across the parking lot with aluminum foil in the windows and screaming. <br />
- Christmas is probably dicey. Annoying hissing at electric manger scenes in the neighborhood.<br />
- Technically dead, so can't legally sign your field trip permission slips.<br />
- Have to invite her back in every time she takes the garbage out.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>3. Did the son get vampire powers?</i><br />
<br />
<b>PH: </b>I think so? I don't remember. Do vampire powers include the ability to make someone forget all about you? If so, then probably yes.<br />
<br />
<i> </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>4. Is this how the Munsters starts?</i><br />
<br />
<b>PH:</b> Not really. I think <i>The Munsters</i> started with unprotected sex in the back of a hearse after the sock hop. <br />
<br />
Want more <i>Family Blood</i> goodness? Check out <a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2018/08/family-blood-2018-pauls-review.html">Paul's take and my answers to his questions</a>!<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Joe Dodsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10301572026488306542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-71433245471022544992018-08-19T16:56:00.000-07:002018-08-20T09:21:38.995-07:00FAMILY BLOOD (2018) [Paul's Review]<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cmJxk5s8v0k/W3n-hPwUsvI/AAAAAAAABzc/B1ewbKRHc-cwOrAQtBBdwI-XONz8Wn_MQCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2018-08-19%2B16.07.31.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="754" data-original-width="1452" height="332" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cmJxk5s8v0k/W3n-hPwUsvI/AAAAAAAABzc/B1ewbKRHc-cwOrAQtBBdwI-XONz8Wn_MQCLcBGAs/s640/Screenshot%2B2018-08-19%2B16.07.31.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
In <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Family Blood, </i>a
recovering addict mom meets a mildly handsome vampire at a support group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not answered by movie: what other methods has the vampire tried to kick his habit first? </div>
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<br /></div>
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“Hi, my name is Vlad, and this is my first time.” “Hi Vlad.”
“Hey, well, uh, I’m not sure where to begin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At first I thought I could control it, you know, just kicking a
couple back after dinner or at the game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But then it was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">every night</i>
and I started to sleep through the days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I guess it really hit home when I up and murdered my whole family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There I was, just really going to town on my
wife’s neck, when I looked up into the mirror and . . . you know how it goes, I
didn’t recognize myself, it was like I wasn’t there. </div>
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<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
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Pretty soon I was just wandering around at night, lost,
aimless, murderous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve tried
everything: cold turkey, hypnotism, V8.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But nothing helped. I don’t think I can do this on my own, and so I
decided to give this a go.” </div>
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<br /></div>
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*Murders support group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Drinks their blood*</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ah shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Back to the
V8.”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Family Blood </i>isn’t
really about the vampire at the support group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s actually about the mom whom he turns into a vampire because vampires don't do drugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The rest of the
movie is about vampire mom doing vampire things and dealing with the hijinks of
her plucky kids who think she’s back on drugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She scarfs down a Kleenex with blood on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She eats the neighbor’s cat. These are the
kinds of quirky things that a vampire mom does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why isn’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Family Blood
</i>called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Vampire Mom</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It isn’t because that name was taken.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, you might have thought you’ve seen <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Vampire Mom</i>, but you’re probably thinking
of the very similar 2000 Disney Channel Movie <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mom’s Got A Date With a Vampire</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-et-M4xnG2Gk/W3oCHG_Bv6I/AAAAAAAAB0k/lVaZuLEwqWM_05Qx3sbi7dCQD6CFnpCjACLcBGAs/s1600/mom%2527s%2Bgot%2Ba%2Bdate%2Bwith%2Ba%2Bvampire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-et-M4xnG2Gk/W3oCHG_Bv6I/AAAAAAAAB0k/lVaZuLEwqWM_05Qx3sbi7dCQD6CFnpCjACLcBGAs/s320/mom%2527s%2Bgot%2Ba%2Bdate%2Bwith%2Ba%2Bvampire.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<br />
Thanks to a breezy plot synopsis on IMDB that I had way too much fun
reading, I now know that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mom’s Got A Date
with a Vampire </i>is sort of like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Family
Blood</i>, but with more action, fun, and sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The kids in that movie, eager to get out from being grounded, set their
mom up with a guy from a personals ad named “Wolfsbane” who “hates turtlenecks
and Italian food.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Family Blood </i>also plays
with tropes, but more in a "can you guess which trope is real in this made-up universe?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this world, vampires do
not cast reflections, but they can come in without an invitation, they can be
killed with a stake to a heart, but they don’t have an issue going out in
sunlight or handling crucifixes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So the
kids in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Family Blood </i>have to try all
the stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What about fire? I think, and garlic? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do they shimmer?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Play baseball with tree trunks? One of the
benefits of having a vampire mom is mythbusting the hell out of vampires.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Stake works” is the actual catchphrase the
kid says after staking his wanna-be vampire stepfather.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That might all make it seem like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Family Blood </i>is fun, but even the best lines, usually given by Mr.
Vampire, are delivered with intense brooding seriousness. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Family
Blood </i>aims for slow and sinister, but ends up plodding and
enervated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s like bleeding out
slowly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not in a cool, tragic, lovely
way, like in the arms of your vampire lover but rather in the uncomfortable
awkwardness of a newbie nurse trying to take your blood but always missing the
vein and perforating your arm.<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ominous airy piano chords trudge through the minor
keys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Extreme close-up after extreme
close-up of faces giving serious, meaningful looks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A waitress dies, blood-stained white sheets
billow slowly, in extreme close-up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then extreme close-up of feet in a shower,
blood swirling down the drain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QhDdvMo_nd0/W3n-henWxsI/AAAAAAAAB0I/9RYyDkTRHIwYb0V0BjqIMPHAj5SMFDSLQCEwYBhgL/s1600/Screenshot%2B2018-08-19%2B16.08.38.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="734" data-original-width="1456" height="161" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QhDdvMo_nd0/W3n-henWxsI/AAAAAAAAB0I/9RYyDkTRHIwYb0V0BjqIMPHAj5SMFDSLQCEwYBhgL/s320/Screenshot%2B2018-08-19%2B16.08.38.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Symbolism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More piano
chords.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-naLAIt1TFHc/W3n-hebcK1I/AAAAAAAAB0A/D7Y0oMj0pAQgmdiUzlA2vJ28xEjDumQZgCEwYBhgL/s1600/Screenshot%2B2018-08-19%2B16.08.59.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="693" data-original-width="1480" height="149" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-naLAIt1TFHc/W3n-hebcK1I/AAAAAAAAB0A/D7Y0oMj0pAQgmdiUzlA2vJ28xEjDumQZgCEwYBhgL/s320/Screenshot%2B2018-08-19%2B16.08.59.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Different shower tile, however. You use the guest bathroom, Mr. Vampire! But at least they are both symbolically clean of all the murderin'. </span>But then when the son goes to confront the
vampire we see that the mom has <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">gotten
back in the blood-soaked bed</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I7lblcWGYn0/W3oAJ66Pp-I/AAAAAAAAB0Q/rqCdF_9wip4PkNubaIeCErIKw0ZUUEOvACLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2018-08-19%2B16.39.27.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="729" data-original-width="1365" height="170" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I7lblcWGYn0/W3oAJ66Pp-I/AAAAAAAAB0Q/rqCdF_9wip4PkNubaIeCErIKw0ZUUEOvACLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2018-08-19%2B16.39.27.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
The
son looks on in horror.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who will do the
laundry now that mom’s a vampire?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who?!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not anyone from this movie, since basically everybody who
has a speaking line dies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The most
derp-worthy is the girlfriend, who is being held by vampire mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The son menaces his mom with an outstretched
wooden stake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Let her go!” he says. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So the mom, in a fit of willpower, flings her would-be
prey from her. . . and directly onto the stake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Girlfriend dies anyway, the son feels guilty and mom didn’t even get to
drink her blood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a lose-lose-lose! So fitting for this movie!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-APwgqTVbFSU/W3oBMjevDBI/AAAAAAAAB0c/5Beo39-DLFown95oq8KGHF9KXpaFHjAxgCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2018-08-19%2B16.44.37.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="757" data-original-width="1525" height="158" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-APwgqTVbFSU/W3oBMjevDBI/AAAAAAAAB0c/5Beo39-DLFown95oq8KGHF9KXpaFHjAxgCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2018-08-19%2B16.44.37.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Come to think of it, this whole movie seems to be about
super passive aggressive parenting techniques.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The son steps on a nail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
tracks blood all over the floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The mom
sighs and then cleans it up . . . with her tongue!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MZ1ewzXIrdU/W3n-i1pqT_I/AAAAAAAAB0I/4vK76PH0t-wkMbxZcLYKEB2g-3IAAlOSACEwYBhgL/s1600/Screenshot%2B2018-08-19%2B16.17.46.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="683" data-original-width="983" height="222" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MZ1ewzXIrdU/W3n-i1pqT_I/AAAAAAAAB0I/4vK76PH0t-wkMbxZcLYKEB2g-3IAAlOSACEwYBhgL/s320/Screenshot%2B2018-08-19%2B16.17.46.png" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Son: “Uh, mom, I can get that with a rag or something.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mom: *stops licking floor* “Well you didn’t, did you? and
now I have to clean this whole place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With
my tongue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By all means, don’t let your
mother’s sense of basic hygiene get in the way of your bleeding out.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Questions for Joe:</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a
non-comedic stake-making montage in this movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The son goes to a hardware store, gets materials, and then takes them to
the high school shop room to use some heavy equipment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s harder, 3D-printing a gun or making a
wooden stake?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>JD: </b>This seems like an easy question. You just go to the stake section at Home Depot, but what if they're out of the right size? So you either have to take on Vampire Step-Dad with tiny stakes, or a great big awkward one? 3D printing a gun is super hard. Everything with printers is hard. But maybe that's not what you're getting at. <i>Is this an SEO thing</i>? <i>Are we trying to get that coveted FBI readership??</i> Because I gotta tell ya, it's a great idea! That would double us up!<br />
<br />
I AM QANON! Vampire mothers are killing democracy! 3D printed steaks are the only things that can save us! Filet Mignon has now been invented by America! YEEEE HAWWWW. Pageviews, pageviews, pageviews!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You think this
movie is going to be about the mom fighting addiction and becoming a vampire,
but halfway through it becomes a movie about the son fighting his mom’s vampire
boyfriend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which is the better movie?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>JD:</b> I think addiction is the most interesting thing ever if you've been through it, and the least interesting thing ever if you haven't. It's like fantasy football.<br />
<br />
Step parents are pretty common and they're also pretty drama-worthy, ask Hamlet! I think there are a lot of interesting directions a vampire step-dad movie could take, but I'm only currently aware of the ones it shouldn't, thanks to Family Blood.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The neighbor says
that someone has been leaving screws and nails and sharp edges around the
neighborhood, apparently in an attempt to get her to sell her house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>JD:</b> Too bad she didn't tell the son, that would have saved him like half his stake-building montage. Also, if it were just screws or just nails that'd be a nightmare. But if they're leaving both, well now you can just walk around and cover your wood-securing bases. If they'd leave some nuts and washers every bookshelf in the neighborhood would practically install itself. And just think of the towel racks.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
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</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That house looks
nice to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why does the mom keep
talking about how bad her situation is and how rough the neighborhood is?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it because of the screws?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>JD:</b> It's because she has kids.</div>
<i>
</i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<i>
</i>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>5. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do you think
that vampire tried to kick his habit before going to the support group?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>JD: </b>He was probably all like "I'm going to rip my habit of ripping throats out's throat out!" It's tough, you know. When you're a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Speaking of which, if the step-dad had BEEN a hammer, he could have really done a lot of good in that neighborhood.<br />
<br />
Now, check out Joe's review of <i>Family Blood </i>here! (link inbound, write that review, Joe!) </div>
<i>
</i><br />
<br />Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-36620314240200586152018-06-16T10:39:00.000-07:002018-06-16T10:39:56.181-07:00I AM THE PRETTY THING THAT LIVES IN THE HOUSE (2016) [Joe's Review]<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nZs1Yt2l-y0/Wx2-7Dsn2JI/AAAAAAAADOM/FSqezuPnO4Yf40nfyncgXFzMbTp7BjJMgCLcBGAs/s1600/12.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="471" data-original-width="945" height="318" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nZs1Yt2l-y0/Wx2-7Dsn2JI/AAAAAAAADOM/FSqezuPnO4Yf40nfyncgXFzMbTp7BjJMgCLcBGAs/s640/12.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My favorite thing about I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in
the House is the opening line:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“<i>I have heard myself say that a house with a death in it can
never again be bought or sold by the living. It can only be borrowed from the
ghosts that have stayed behind.</i>”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why is she attributing a quote to herself? Does this mean
this is something she’s said before? When the fuck did she say that? At a
dinner party?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Steve and I just bought the most charming house.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“A wise woman, me actually, always says that a house with a
death in it can never be bought or sold by the living.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It can only be borrowed from the ghosts that have stayed
behind.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What if the ghost was a renter?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“…Well, then I guess you would sublet.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Such power! I gotta try it out.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>I always say, two bananas does not make a bunch!<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Once upon a time when I was also talking, I noted that you
should never purchase a car from a fruit farmer because they’re likely to sell
you a watermelon! … I often hear myself butcher jokes!</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once your imagination stops vibrating from these
incredible possibilities, you’re treated to the scene of a blurry woman in
white walking backwards:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6PWw-NAdP7s/Wx2_fkIzJ6I/AAAAAAAADOU/wvzCehai-E0_BL16jsotPUdPI_BuzkddQCLcBGAs/s1600/1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="473" data-original-width="983" height="191" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6PWw-NAdP7s/Wx2_fkIzJ6I/AAAAAAAADOU/wvzCehai-E0_BL16jsotPUdPI_BuzkddQCLcBGAs/s400/1.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p> </o:p>And into the title scene.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MWU5psDweE8/Wx2_xi-2voI/AAAAAAAADOc/HxdFr-fy3v0mfFsS7LS9k1yu83yvHX9aQCLcBGAs/s1600/2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="495" data-original-width="985" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MWU5psDweE8/Wx2_xi-2voI/AAAAAAAADOc/HxdFr-fy3v0mfFsS7LS9k1yu83yvHX9aQCLcBGAs/s400/2.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Note to the director: It takes her 35 seconds. if you’d had her walk forward this
scene would have taken half the time. If she had sprinted out it would have
been like a second!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After that, we’re treated to a sequence of images of
inanimate objects. This goes on forever!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PDLR9oY4itE/Wx3AHWmUM0I/AAAAAAAADOo/OqoHdrSOJYsO93afAZt49QbDHFCBwiqGgCLcBGAs/s1600/8.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="494" data-original-width="941" height="167" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PDLR9oY4itE/Wx3AHWmUM0I/AAAAAAAADOo/OqoHdrSOJYsO93afAZt49QbDHFCBwiqGgCLcBGAs/s320/8.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IDuAhAdcaC0/Wx3AHWwYzjI/AAAAAAAADOk/MR4-bAHIlBUjXHN9q_PNb_ZYeEk8kXwKACLcBGAs/s1600/9.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="489" data-original-width="939" height="166" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IDuAhAdcaC0/Wx3AHWwYzjI/AAAAAAAADOk/MR4-bAHIlBUjXHN9q_PNb_ZYeEk8kXwKACLcBGAs/s320/9.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DS0kQhR5pxk/Wx3ANpZYohI/AAAAAAAADOs/afamvMd9vB0mowGDDUb089-r3PTYvnzVgCLcBGAs/s1600/4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="496" data-original-width="939" height="169" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DS0kQhR5pxk/Wx3ANpZYohI/AAAAAAAADOs/afamvMd9vB0mowGDDUb089-r3PTYvnzVgCLcBGAs/s320/4.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jEd6VFAg2Lc/Wx3ASQnRA3I/AAAAAAAADOw/l_ZHVMF63foHla2giCgCl5WMb5QJxdZEgCLcBGAs/s1600/5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="494" data-original-width="939" height="168" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jEd6VFAg2Lc/Wx3ASQnRA3I/AAAAAAAADOw/l_ZHVMF63foHla2giCgCl5WMb5QJxdZEgCLcBGAs/s320/5.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OrOyCMzUp9E/Wx3AUUlkxRI/AAAAAAAADO0/WDleptWifisbn9bdnrLxb8znmaNdvgT5wCLcBGAs/s1600/6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="494" data-original-width="940" height="168" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OrOyCMzUp9E/Wx3AUUlkxRI/AAAAAAAADO0/WDleptWifisbn9bdnrLxb8znmaNdvgT5wCLcBGAs/s320/6.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8ZDahxAuG2A/Wx3AWU5pBUI/AAAAAAAADO4/JNG2ewgaUVESHJ-4LteTNVSypAvvGOIEwCLcBGAs/s1600/7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="498" data-original-width="942" height="169" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8ZDahxAuG2A/Wx3AWU5pBUI/AAAAAAAADO4/JNG2ewgaUVESHJ-4LteTNVSypAvvGOIEwCLcBGAs/s320/7.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vAoItQA-7xI/Wx3AZRnV7iI/AAAAAAAADPE/hEBP8BMacR4m0a72JCdpNYguDiWHuvKjACLcBGAs/s1600/10.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="494" data-original-width="918" height="172" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vAoItQA-7xI/Wx3AZRnV7iI/AAAAAAAADPE/hEBP8BMacR4m0a72JCdpNYguDiWHuvKjACLcBGAs/s320/10.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_VSJePpOnhE/Wx3Aa7gbqXI/AAAAAAAADPI/wxX02FMvxb4F4AMhUkI8-x1F81vo5KOmgCLcBGAs/s1600/11.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="490" data-original-width="941" height="166" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_VSJePpOnhE/Wx3Aa7gbqXI/AAAAAAAADPI/wxX02FMvxb4F4AMhUkI8-x1F81vo5KOmgCLcBGAs/s320/11.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it’s definitely the best part of the movie after the self-quoted real
estate advice. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, the general plot is: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nurse looks after old woman, finds the ghost stories she
wrote, sees the ghost they were written about, dies.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is her dying:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dggp2OftK4I/Wx3CdXjQqGI/AAAAAAAADPk/3v9gR1zadCsJ6NBZ_GYIUAtx_qSQ6Rt2ACLcBGAs/s1600/13.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" data-original-height="492" data-original-width="872" height="223" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dggp2OftK4I/Wx3CdXjQqGI/AAAAAAAADPk/3v9gR1zadCsJ6NBZ_GYIUAtx_qSQ6Rt2ACLcBGAs/s400/13.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yeah, I know you can't see it. This is what she’s flipping out about.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PiT9xa_9Qws/Wx3C-1Ky3QI/AAAAAAAADPs/N1CRYBQPn5YvOQj59-OhcG8OtkzuRjdKwCLcBGAs/s1600/14.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="473" data-original-width="858" height="220" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PiT9xa_9Qws/Wx3C-1Ky3QI/AAAAAAAADPs/N1CRYBQPn5YvOQj59-OhcG8OtkzuRjdKwCLcBGAs/s400/14.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You probably can't see that either. It's a picture of a pretty ghost who looks confused by the woman flipping out in the corner.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can’t write a joke about that. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I…can’t write a joke about that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I often hear myself say….pfffffffff….*sigh*<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*SEASONS CHANGE, TIME PASSES BY, AS THE WEEKS BECOME THE
MONTHS BECOME THE YEARS*<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*Six months later*<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well fuck it. Anyway. Here’s what this movie needed: the
nurse, the old woman, the boss, the ghost, they all should have been played by
John Malkovich.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Questions for Paul!<br />
<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<i>1. What do you often hear yourself say?</i><br />
<i></i><br />
<b>PH:</b> Oh, hello cat, come to cuddle? . . . ouch, fuck!<br />
<i></i><br />
<i>2. Does the ghost ownership statute also apply to trailers and condos?</i><br />
<i></i><br />
<b>PH:</b> Yes, Joe, it does. But, little known fact, if you've got a ghost in your house, and the house was purchased before 2012, you qualify for a mortgage interest deduction anyway. But only if the ghost was already there at the date of purchase. You can't just kill someone in your house and get a deduction, because that's totally begging for an audit.<br />
<br />
<i>3. Why does the ghost walk backward?</i><br />
<i></i><br />
<b>PH:</b> To get to the other side. Get it? . . . GET IT?! I often hear myself say, you could have done better, Paul.<br />
<br />
<i>4. Is there a ghost she could have seen that wouldn't have killed her?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>PH:</b> No. Is there a movie we could have seen that wouldn't have killed our motivation to review it?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
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Joe Dodsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10301572026488306542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-58976557836350749842018-06-04T18:24:00.000-07:002018-06-18T17:02:32.467-07:00I AM THE PRETTY THING THAT LIVES IN THE HOUSE (2016) [Paul's Review]<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
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<![endif]-->I first watched IATPTTLITH in December 2017.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is now halfway through 2018 and no
review.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Joe and I went strong for two
years, reviewing direct-to-streaming horror movies with gusto and verve and
esprit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then IATPTTLITH happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would this be the way the experiment of Rock,
Paper, Hatchet ends?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To be fair to myself, a lot of life has happened in the
interim. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sold my house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went to court and got a divorce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I explored the world of dating apps and
endlessly tweaked my profile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took selfies,
dear reader, so many selfies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went on some
bad dates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went on some good
dates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went on a date for which I
suggested we watch IATPTTLITH.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Game, I
have not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But fortunately for the
review, and unfortunately for her, my date agreed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> The title of </span>IATPTTLITH, she noted, was basically her tinder
profile.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As tinder profiles go, the title of IATPTTLITH isn’t the
worst.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But when the acronym of your title
looks like the slobbering groan of a Lovecraftian eldritch horror, you might have
too many words in there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will def get
more swipes with something like: “Sexy, and owns a house.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>just “sexy.” Or just “sex.” Or just an emoji of some kind of suggestive
fruit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or no words at all with a
half-naked selfie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or no picture and
just “DTF ghosts.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lily (Ruth Wilson) is a hospice nurse caring for an aging horror writer,
Iris Blum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Blum's
house is haunted by a ghost named Polly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Every once in a while Lily’s boss comes over and glares at Lily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those four are the whole cast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Polly doesn’t talk because she’s a
ghost.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Iris doesn’t talk because she’s
old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lily’s boss only has a handful of
minutes of screentime and he mainly glares.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So you’d think this would be a quiet movie without much of a
script. In fact, even though there are only four characters, three of which are women, it doesn't even pass the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bechdel_test" target="_blank">Bechdel Test</a>, amazingly. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But that doesn't mean there's any shortage of talking. The movie should have been called “I am the Chattering
Thing Who Talks To Herself Constantly.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Lily has the inner monologue of a wordy goth emo creative writing major and
the outer monologue of a 19<sup>th</sup> century schoolmarm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Inside her head, she says things like: “The
house that holds a seat for the memory of a death—the staying place of a rotted
ghost.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Outside her head, she says, “heavens
to Betsy” and calls herself a “silly billy.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
IATPTTLITH is weirdly disappointing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems to do everything I want out of
horror movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s obscure and
atmospheric and takes its time. Maybe too much time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t give out all of
the answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has a ghost whose feet
are on backwards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It actually spends
time on the writing, which has some great lines like: “I left the world just as
I came into it, wearing nothing but blood.” But it is neither scary nor
fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It certainly isn’t fun to write
about.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rGOQG5X4tcw/WxXhXWksPHI/AAAAAAAABw0/RMgZ9uORGr4kh26KOWPE-2dMc1ZrpdnpACEwYBhgL/s1600/Screenshot%2B2018-06-04%2B17.49.23.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="733" data-original-width="541" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rGOQG5X4tcw/WxXhXWksPHI/AAAAAAAABw0/RMgZ9uORGr4kh26KOWPE-2dMc1ZrpdnpACEwYBhgL/s320/Screenshot%2B2018-06-04%2B17.49.23.png" width="236" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So maybe I’ll just backpedal into plot summary like my feet were headed that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lily comes to the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her interior monologue says something about
always wearing white to comfort her guests while the darkness closes in on them
like claws.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This might not be the healthiest
attitude for a hospice nurse.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MpU2kbBM7ys/WxXhXwOmpjI/AAAAAAAABw0/RO_dpb4WzpU52kSxcT_8i725xcZF9lRRQCEwYBhgL/s1600/Screenshot%2B2018-06-04%2B17.52.47.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="799" data-original-width="1354" height="188" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MpU2kbBM7ys/WxXhXwOmpjI/AAAAAAAABw0/RO_dpb4WzpU52kSxcT_8i725xcZF9lRRQCEwYBhgL/s320/Screenshot%2B2018-06-04%2B17.52.47.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She meets Iris.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Iris
looks at Lily the way I looked at the task of writing this review.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-a2_cQkFN8wM/WxXhWkFPqCI/AAAAAAAABv4/bTioJCl_O0kH56uZEDQwXyiS-0q7y4h5wCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2018-06-04%2B17.46.52.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="980" data-original-width="1546" height="202" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-a2_cQkFN8wM/WxXhWkFPqCI/AAAAAAAABv4/bTioJCl_O0kH56uZEDQwXyiS-0q7y4h5wCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2018-06-04%2B17.46.52.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Lily calls her friend, the phone is yanked out of her hand
by a supernatural force.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lily picks up
the phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her friend is still on the
line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They finish their conversation.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AXUuoGD2JOU/WxXhWtUOqOI/AAAAAAAABwc/-bPq761lsy4lKkheDAM8m_J9_2EtmGXTACEwYBhgL/s1600/Screenshot%2B2018-06-04%2B17.47.39.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="874" data-original-width="1257" height="222" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AXUuoGD2JOU/WxXhWtUOqOI/AAAAAAAABwc/-bPq761lsy4lKkheDAM8m_J9_2EtmGXTACEwYBhgL/s320/Screenshot%2B2018-06-04%2B17.47.39.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Lily discovers black mold in the hallway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She calls someone to come fix it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lily discovers a television.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She talks to it (of course she does).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But it is broken.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Later on, it is
fixed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RRJ_odplBTs/WxXhWslu7qI/AAAAAAAABv0/jRZDoYt2XH84eDOC1q8p_sSoTt_MO-DowCEwYBhgL/s1600/Screenshot%2B2018-06-04%2B17.48.13.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="736" data-original-width="1233" height="191" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RRJ_odplBTs/WxXhWslu7qI/AAAAAAAABv0/jRZDoYt2XH84eDOC1q8p_sSoTt_MO-DowCEwYBhgL/s320/Screenshot%2B2018-06-04%2B17.48.13.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lily is worried because Iris keeps calling her Polly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Polly is the name of a character in one of
Iris’s books, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Lady In the Walls</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, Polly, in the book, is a ghost
who tells Iris her story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But Polly, the
ghost, can’t remember how it ends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
Iris leaves off the ending to her book as well, saying that it might be
disappointing but it is “true to her subject.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is a big Red Flag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
sounds like a defense in advance of a criticism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In rhetoric, it’s called procatalepsis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s when a dating profile reads:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I talk to myself, but in a quirky fun pixie
dream girl way, definitely NOT in a creepy anachronistic overly mannered sort
of way.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, we get it, if the ending of the movie doesn’t give
us answers, it’s on us because WE WERE WARNED.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So Polly turns out to be a real ghost who told Iris her
incomplete and disappointing story of being murdered by her husband in the
house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She walks around backwards for
some metaphorical reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lily sees that
Polly is literally <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Lady in The Walls </i>in
that her corpse was shut up in the walls and miraculously decomposed there
without anyone smelling her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This accounts
for the mold in some way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don’t meet
the plumber, but his line would have been: “You’ve got a corpse next to your
pipes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That ain’t code.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ll want to take that out before the
darkness closes in on you like a claw.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lily dies of fright.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Iris dies of old age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Polly
remains dead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And in the final scene of
the movie we see that all three now get to haunt the house like spectral golden
girls, hanging out, thanking each other for being a friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Episode idea: the three ghosts put up
profiles on Tinder for ghosts (Restless Spirits? Haunter?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Moaner?) only to discover by the end of the episode
that they’re all dating the same gentleman ghost.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am the pretty thing that lives in the
house!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, I am! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Ladies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We </i>are<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>Group hug.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then their arms go right through each
other because they’re ghosts!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They all have
a good laugh, such silly billies!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cue
credits.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Questions for Joe:</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At several points
in the movie, the camera focuses on a rug that folds at the corner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is this symbolism?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or just a bad purchase off overstock.com?</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<b>JD: </b>You assume that Lily dies of fright, but if Polynesia is any indication, we may never see what kills Lily. UNLESS WE DO and it's the CORNER OF THE RUG. Maybe Lily actually IS the rug, and her lying on the floor is just her returning to her natural state. </div>
<b></b><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><i>2. What’s worse to
have in your house, a ghost who can’t remember what she’s doing there or black
mold?</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<b>JD: </b>We've watched a lot of movies with a lot of ghosts, and Polly is definitely the best looking one by a mile. Feet on backward? So she's terrible at dancing, that's a relief to most guys. But, she's so good looking that you'd have to wonder if she's even real and not the catfishing account for something more sinister, like black mold or a clown.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><i>3. </i></span><i>Lily almost got
married, she tells us, but then she didn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What do you suppose went wrong?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>JD:</b> *Swipes left*</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>4. What was special
about this movie that it almost killed Rock, Paper, Hatchet?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i><br />
<i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></i>
<b>JD:</b> I'd rather talk about what's special about us. We don't make any money and we have barely any readers, so we're super hard to kill. We're like black mold. You have to get rid of all of us, or we'll just come back. And we have! We're still deadly but largely unnoticeable.</div>
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<i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-50612990663397418222017-12-20T22:55:00.000-08:002017-12-20T22:56:22.453-08:00SATANIC (2016) [Joe's Review]<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In <i>Satanic</i>, a hapless group of Millennial friends inadvertently enters a contract with the devil to go to Hell. And Hell, it turns out, is made of white plastic tarps and spray paint.<br />
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My approach with<i> Satanic</i> was to watch it in pieces (I have two young children, so my "me" time generally comes in 15 minute chunks, which is about 10 minutes more than what my wife gets). So, the beginning and middle of this review reflect that approach. And then like a month passes and I just bang out the rest because Paul realizes that today is the blog's two year anniversary and we have to get something up! Anyway, enough about us.<br />
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The movie opens with silly depictions of the devil and satanism, and right when you're nodding along and enjoying the silliness of it all the serious music kicks in to let you know that what you're seeing isn't light. It's not funny. It's super serious.<br />
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This:<br />
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Yeah, not funny.<br />
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Oh JESUS. Look what the devil's DOING to him!<br />
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***OMINOUS SOUNDS***<br />
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Don't laugh! Because...<br />
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Okay, okay I'm pretty sure Coleridge never actually wrote that. But you know who did?<br />
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Comical? Vain? A parody of itself? No. Satanism is serious. Although it <i>could</i> lose some weight and up its game to at least not get blown off the stage by fucking Slipknot. Come on, Manson. You used to be good. I used to smoke a lot of weed. But, sigh.<br />
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Anyway, the movie starts with a young woman walking through what looks like a Halloween Boo-Fest level haunted house, with a bunch of pentagrams spray painted on hastily constructed plastic garbage bag walls. You later discover that this is Hell. The girl is visibly frightened when...something runs past her really fast! Probably not Marilyn Manson. Possibly Slipknot though.<br />
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And then we cut to a city skyline. I have no idea what was learned in the previous scene.<br />
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A car full of young people travels toward LA, billowing smoke and subtly written lines such as "LA spread your legs." The two in the backseat are a guy and a gal and they're smoking a joint and they're edgy and obviously going to die. The two in the front seat are wholesome and holding hands.<br />
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Questions for Paul<br />
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1) There's some throwaway dialog when suddenly wholesome girl slaps wholesome guy because "I hate that word!" Wait, what word? What?<br />
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PH: The word was "pussy," Joe. It's buried in the throwaway dialogue, and the guy slapped wasn't even the guy who said it. But look, everyone is a bit raw about that Access Hollywood tape, so even though the writers couldn't have known what a politically-charged term "pussy" would be in the last half of 2016, the characters themselves already did. Because they're caught in a time loop! <br />
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2) Did Coleridge really say that?<br />
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PH: Google turns up fuck all, so I'm pretty doubtful, but you know it's really hard to prove that someone didn't say something, because, like, were you there? This is a tactic that students use all the time when writing papers. They make up something like: "Wholesome girl named her two cats Marilyn Manson and Coleridge" and then when I express skepticism, asking them to point to their evidence, they say, "how do you know she didn't? Were you there?" And I say, no I wasn't because this is a story and it isn't real and the characters don't really exist. And they always nod sagely like they've won.<br />
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Or, wait, were you asking if Coleridge said "Pussy"? Well he did. In a letter to Mary Evans in 1792: "Indeed a cat is a very worthy animal. To be sure, I have known some very malicious cats in my lifetime, but then they were old--and besides, they had not nearly as many legs as you, my sweet Pussy." Billy Bush was probably the executor of his estate. <br />
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Minutes 15 - 60<br />
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I recall enjoying this section of the movie. The characters are revealed:<br />
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Chloe - Doe-eyed final girl<br />
David - Handsome and well adjusted boyfriend<br />
Elise - Chloe's shallow and neurotic best friend who loves Satanism (played by Clara Mamet, daughter of David Mamet. The apple has fallen...all the way to hell!!!)<br />
Seth - Elise's shallow and impish boyfriend (the actor playing him is 36, and that is way too old for this shit. Trust me, I'm 36!).<br />
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So, this Scooby Doo band of late 20-somethings is on their way to Coachella, but Elise and Seth are set on Satanic tourism in Tinsel Town. The main tension is that they keep trying to visit Satanic landmarks, running into extremely rude Satanists, and fighting with each other about whether or not what they're doing is lame or awesome.<br />
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Finally, after getting kicked out of a Satanic gift shop by a switchblade wielding cashier, they all agree to take a dorky celebrity tour of LA and have a freaking blast. As they bask on the beach in the afterglow of a good time, they decide to go back to the Satanic gift shop and follow the Satanic cashier to wherever it is Satanic cashiers go.<br />
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This leads them to a cabin in the woods where a satanic ritual is unfolding in a house that somehow only has 3 walls (which makes for extremely convenient viewing of the satanic ritual). When a blade is held up to a nude young woman, Chloe screams and the Satanists are alerted! The band runs back to their van and flees the Satanic spectacle.<br />
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It's shenanigans! It's also the end of a fairly plausible story about the time a group of friends followed a Satanist, saw a crazy ritual, got caught peeking and hella ran away. This is definitely the best 60 minutes of <i>Satanic</i>. The crazy thing is, none of it should be in the film.<br />
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If the elevator pitch for Satanic is "A group of travelling teens picks up a hitchhiker who gets them all on the devil's hit list" then that entire premise begins AFTER everything I've just described.<br />
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The good news for rockpaperhatchet fans is that the last 40 minutes are just terrible. I was worried in the first 60 minutes that we wouldn't have anything to make fun of. But my fears were completely unfounded!<br />
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There are three stages of the movie left to cover:<br />
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<ul>
<li>The freaky hitchhiker</li>
<li>Cousin's house gets messed up (by Satan!)</li>
<li>They all go to hell</li>
</ul>
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First, the freaky hitchhiker. Full disclosure: she's not a hitchhiker, though they do pick her up at a bus stop. And also, she's not that freaky! This is what we're dealing with here:<br />
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That's actress Sophie Dalah pretending she's Alice the Satanic priestess. Sophie is young, attractive, and fit. But, the casting card clearly said "Attractive and undeniably fucked up somehow." Sophie brings a 1,000 stare and dreamily delivered dialog, but she's way too healthy for this role. I mean, I know casting is hard. If I say, "I need a rapping septuagenarian exhibitionist who can express embarrassment and glee at the same time" then wowee, right? What a challenge. But if your task is to find someone hot and fucked-up-looking in Hollywood, how is Sophie Dalah what you come back with? Did you ask Marilyn Manson if he knows anybody? Because I'm pretty sure those are the only people he knows.<br />
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Anyway, Sophie is disappointing, but <i>Satanic</i> was obviously cast and produced with the Bachelor watching crowd in mind, so I get it. Young healthy people want to watch young healthy people on TV.<br />
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And in a way, Sophie is the perfect choice for the incredibly, astoundingly, tremendously understated way she delivers the following lines:<br />
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There's an element of the last 40 minutes of <i>Satanic</i> that is easily relate-able: it's like when a friend says "Come on guys, let's go to this place, it's going to be awesome!" But when you go it totally sucks! In this case, their friend is suggesting that they go to actual Hell. And so, some of the fun in the rest of the film is comparing Alice's description of Hell to what they actually encounter.<br />
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The other thing that's really fun is thinking about the set budget and how the things you see are likely influenced by the complete lack of one.<br />
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For instance, they're trying to flee LA to get away from the devil when the edgy girl gets sick. They pull over in an abandoned lot with an incredibly well lit...Porta Potty!<br />
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When you see this, your first thought is "That's a really well lit porta potty." And your second thought is "That's probably an actual porta potty on what looks suspiciously like a movie studio lot." I wonder if it was even <i>their</i> movie's porta potty? It was probably <i>It</i>'s.<br />
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Just wait until you see what <i>happens</i> to Elise (the one who feels hot and needs to get to the bathroom). This is her death scene:<br />
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One second she's <i>in</i> the porta potty and the next she's <i>gone! </i><br />
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But they hear her voice in a nearby building! They investigate and discover that the building is empty and well lit. This search will be a breeze.<br />
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But despite its ease, it will be incredibly...uneasy! MUAHAHAHAHA. Like when they happen upon the charred corpse...<br />
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Of Seth's cell phone!<br />
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That's the actual sequence. And it's NOTHING compared to what happens to Seth himself.<br />
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He's IN the stair railing! Wow. You're sitting there, you're the director, you're like "We've gotta kill this guy, but all we have is an empty building...and that...incredibly hungry looking STAIR. I GOT IT!"<br />
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One final thing. While Chloe is running around finding her friends' dead cell phones, you see all of these tarps hanging around on one of the floors:<br />
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When you're watching, you're like "I guess someone was going to paint in there." And you're right. But it's not just someone, it's the devil!<br />
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And he's TERRIBLE at painting. And what you come to realize is that THIS is actually hell. She's in it. And it's way worse than she expected, but not for the reasons that she would have thought.<br />
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Question for Paul:<br />
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1) <i>If you COULD go to hell, would you?</i><br />
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<b>PH: </b>Been there. It was a rave in Binghamton, NY in the late 90s. I attended while perfectly sober. Two bathrooms flooded raw sewage onto the dance floor. Beautiful it was not, but the confusion was real. <br />
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<i>2) Did they hit Satan with their car?</i><br />
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<b>PH: </b>Honestly, I have no idea. If you run over Satan, though, that's probably a pretty good indication that you've actually made it to hell despite what Apple maps might say. You can just pull over and start getting pics for the 'gram right then and there.<br />
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3) <i>When my date goes to the porta potty and disappears, I know I blame the devil. You know what I'm sayin'?</i><br />
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<b>PH: </b>Uh, I think if you take your girl out to an abandoned warehouse lot for a first date, and she says she's going to the porta potty to freshen up but then never returns. . . it might be less Satan and more a combination of her basic sense of self-preservation and a ride-sharing app.<br />
<br />
4) <i>Was hell just not ready for visitors?</i><br />
<br />
<b>PH: </b>I think it was more a case of them going in the wrong door, like the freight entrance<i> </i>to hell. Abandon hope, all ye who unload sundries here. Also, abandon your sundries. Right over there by the empty pallets and plastic tarp is fine. <br />
<i></i>Joe Dodsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10301572026488306542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-4180347356024625982017-12-02T17:16:00.000-08:002017-12-04T20:47:14.741-08:00SATANIC (2016) [Paul's Review]<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hey fucktards!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I
mean you, fucking goth troll dick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t
be such an asshole, megabitch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God, you’re
such a prick, cumball.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bro, I mean goth
snobs. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Blow cock.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, blow devil cock.<br />
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All of the words in the previous paragraph are
spoken at some point by the terrific cast of characters in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Satanic</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being some
percentage Irish, I appreciate a strong and habitual exercise of swearing: in jest, in argument, and sometimes just in exasperation at the universe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, I gotta admit, even I was starting to
feel a bit Annie Wilkes halfway through this one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> It would not be out of character for any of these angelic youth to go to the store and demand F-ing pig feed and ten pounds of
that bitchly cow corn.</div>
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<br />
<a name='more'></a>Interestingly, the only word that anyone raises an eyebrow to is
“pussy.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not “cumball.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Cumball” is fine.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Why so much profanity in the world today?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why can’t we fucking get our shit together?</div>
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Did you know that “fuck” is the only word that you can use
in almost every grammar position?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
linguistics friend explained it all to me, but I forgot how the fuck it goes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just so you know, “fuck” is a special word,
and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Satanic </i>fucking fucks the fuck
out of it.</div>
<br />
Not just a lesson in creative obscenity, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Satanic </i>is also about
four twenty-something Coachella-goers who go to L.A., see the sights, get involved
in a satanic ritual and never make it to Coachella.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a fucking nightmare bro.<br />
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Two of them are a preppy frat/sorority couple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Early on they are called a “fucking Apple
commercial.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They swear like eighteenth-century
sailors with the clap.<br />
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The other two are a goth couple into Satanism and the dark
arts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They swear like the prostitutes who
service eighteenth-century clap-ridden sailors.</div>
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Seemingly, the only thing holding this ramshackle preppy-goth double date together is that the two girls are cousins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I can’t take this frat boy
nonsense” goth girl exclaims when the ouiji board mysteriously spells out “BJ”
in response to the question: “What do you want?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And later, preppy guy calls them “goth snobs”
for not wanting to see a taping of “Two and a Half Men.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would seem that mutual unfollowing is in
their collective future.</div>
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But more surprising than the fact that participating in a
Satanic ritual turns out to be a bad idea is the fact that these four seem to have
really great chemistry!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here they are at
a beach!</div>
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Here they are looking at the Hollywood walk of stars!</div>
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There’s something endearing about their odd-couple
friendship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It blossoms out
of their shared and vigorous use of the Anglo-Saxon elements of our venerable
language.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their bro-ey jocularity draws them all together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All together,
that is, with the notable exception of Chloe.</div>
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Chloe is the preppy girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At the beginning of the film, she’s the one holding the group together
with her sunshiney smiles and let’s all have fun attitude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She doesn’t like the word “pussy,” but
otherwise, you know, she cool.</div>
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Everything is going great on the L.A. tour until goth
couple wants to follow a real Satanist home from his Satan storefront.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They take a vote, and everyone is in except
Chloe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She says “fucking peer pressure”
and acquiesces.</div>
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So they tail the Satanist to a ritual in a forest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It looks like they’re about to sacrifice a half-naked
girl, when Chloe screams out “no!” and ruins the whole thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then the foursome runs away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But goth boy has dropped his phone somewhere. The satanists have his phone! This may or may not be important to the fact that Satan himself will show up with a phone later in the movie.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Later the girl from the ritual turns up with
goth boy’s phone and returns it to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Before she gives it to him though, he has to say the magic word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do you think the magic word will be in a
movie about Satanists?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Antichrist”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Assessment”? "Fucktard"?</div>
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No, it’s “please”!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>With nary a “bitch” in sight!</div>
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So, phone procured, the foursome is all clear to head on to
Coachella, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not so fast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chloe has found a virtuous cause, in the
shape of the beautiful girl whom she had saved the night before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So Chloe peer pressures the rest of the group
into inviting the clearly issue-laden lass back to their historical murder room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See, now Chloe is doing the peer
pressure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fucking A!</div>
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They party back in the room. The new friend begins sexy dancing
in front of them, and it’s probably pretty awkward for Chloe who was the one
who insisted that they bring her back in the first place. Tiring of making the party both sexy and
awkward, the new friend, Alice, has an idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She will perform a ritual that will open a door to hell!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Doesn’t that sound like fun?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chloe doesn’t think so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She thinks it’s a bad idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But you know, she can’t be the one to chicken
out because she was the one all hellbent on saving girlfriend in the first
place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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The girl does the ritual, throws up, pees on the floor, says
something like, “no really, it’s fine.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And when preppy boy instructs her “you need to leave.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She says, “I know!” and kills
herself.</div>
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If you’re keeping track, the “fucking peer pressure” has now
been exerted by the group on Chloe, by Chloe on the group, by Alice on Chloe,
and finally by preppy boy on Alice. Everyone is telling everyone else what they
should do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s like facebook, but with
more profanity!</div>
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But now the whole group is cursed and that means forks are
going to fly up into the ceiling and crows are going to be killed with
pencils.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During which time, Chloe
becomes even more unlikeable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She yells
at her boyfriend for daring to try to console her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“How do you erase that from your fucking mind! She slit her own throat right
in front of us!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And her boyfriend says, rationally, “I know, I was there.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s only trying to help, Chloe.</div>
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And here’s the thing, the other three characters call each
other “fucktards,” but in an affectionate way. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chloe is the only one who curses them in a
seriously negative way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She didn’t learn
how to curse like a bro!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And now she’s actually
cursed!</div>
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<br />
You may think that this is all just coincidence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, let me belabor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Early on, in the Satanic Storefront, the
goths want to buy a book of incantations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The Satanist Shopkeeper says: “if you don’t know Coptic Greek, you won’t
be able to do the right accents.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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My point is that Chloe’s whole problem is that she doesn’t
know how to curse with the right accents, and not knowing how to say something
with the right tone is an established theme in the film.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When the others peer pressured her, they called her names, but with
smiles and friendship and respect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
when she peer pressured them, it was all like “you fucking fakers.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s the one that took it to a dark place,
and so her cursing directly leads to their being cursed.</div>
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And that means none of them are getting to Coachella.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first one to go is the goth girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She feels like she’s going to die, so they put
her in a porta-potty on a vacant worksite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because that’s a place where it feels totally normal to want to die.</div>
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The others melt into the ceiling, improbably, or a hand
railing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They start sending each other frantic
voicemails rather than calling each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At the end, Chloe ends up with her mouth
sewed up, at the bottom of a pit, with no arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Then Satan comes in, picks up her cell phone, and points it at her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And she can’t curse because of her
mouth!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And she can’t text because of her
arms!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, Satan has her phone, and you
just know that dick's going to turn roaming on once they get to hell!</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
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So what did I think of the film overall?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I watched it twice, and I’d say that to my
surprise it was better the second time, maybe because I wasn’t trying to like
Chloe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s a lot of padding, though, including a
long sequence where the characters are, I shit you not, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">waiting for time to pass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>But
I found the final ten minutes unsettling and unpredictable (no arms? a hand railing?
voice mails?!?).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I suppose I could bother to give it
6.5 fucks.</div>
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<b>Questions for Joe:</b><br />
<br />
<i>1. Why does Satan steal her cell phone? Why does Satan vandalize homes? Doesn't it all seem petty for the lord of the underworld?</i><br />
<br />
<b>JD:</b> Dude, not only that, but Satan vandalizes the hell out of that house and doesn't even kill them there! He fills the ceiling with silverware and the pool with dead crows, then they freaking leave and get hunted down anyway. That said, the cousin whose house the stayed in probably has no idea about any of this, so they are going to come back to the seemingly weirdest party aftermath ever.<br />
<br />
<i>2. Chloe is played by Sarah Hyland from Modern Family. According to the most recent news, her new instagram-ready boyfriend from The Bachelorette took her to Disneyland for her birthday. It was totes adorbs, according to twitter. What does any of this have to do with Satanic? I'm asking you, Joe.</i><br />
<br />
<b>JD:</b> One of her earliest gigs was in a terrible soap opera called Another World. You know who else got their start in Another World? Lindsay Lohan. Don't try to add it up Paul. It's a beautiful confusion.<br />
<br />
<i>3. How L.A. is the moral: don't help anyone out or they will pee on your floor and kill themselves? </i><br />
<br />
<b>JD:</b> They'll pee and puke on the floor, Paul. How awesome would it be if this was all a big mix-up, and was actually the fault of a shrimp cocktail they all shared earlier in the day? That would at least explain the porta potty scene.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>4. When someone you don't know is having a solo sexy disco moment at your party, is it polite to sit and watch quietly or should you converse among yourselves?</i><br />
<br />
<b>JD:</b> I go to a lot of kid's birthday parties. So I'd tell her to cut it out or she won't get cake. And that'd probably fix her wagon.</div>
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Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-9707325789309078442017-10-16T18:10:00.003-07:002017-12-04T20:48:24.379-08:00THE AXE MURDERS OF VILLISCA (2016) [Joe's Review]<div class="MsoNormal">
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<i>The Axe Murders of Villisca</i> is a very high-school horror movie.
Nothing makes sense, everyone is upset, people are themselves one minute and
someone else the next, and the sex is all wrong.<o:p></o:p><br />
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A high school guy named Caleb and his gay friend Denny investigate
paranormal locations and video blog about them. This is how they cope with their
respective high school traumas. When a new girl named Jess arrives at their school, she is
immediately drugged and raped by the popular kids and then joins the dorks in
their investigation of spooky houses. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Meanwhile, back in time, a teen girl had an affair with her pastor. The pastor then killed her, her parents, and a bunch of kids with an axe at the Villisca Murder House, presumably under the influence of some evil spirit because he looks like this while he's doing it:<br />
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<br />
<br />
It's not as clear from that picture, but his eyes are 'possessed black' while he's axing everyone. It's a visual cue that will come into play later!<br />
<br />
Our trio of investigative losers is joined in the house by the bad rapist kid and his bad friend, except the bad friend gets killed right away by accident.<br />
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So, you've got Caleb, Jess, Denny, and bad rapist guy.</div>
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And you've got pastor, mom, dad, and a bunch of kids.</div>
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<br /></div>
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You know the ghosts are there. You can practically feel their presence when Jess steals the candy from the doll's hand that has been placed to represent one of the slain children. You can feel their anger, but trust me, the ghost parents are secretly relieved. They'd probably painted themselves into the corner of "You can have it after you eat a good ghost dinner," but then you've got ghost kids eating candy right before bed. That's probably WHY the ghost kid had the candy in bed. Because the parents were like "Uh, you can have it when you get up!"<br />
<br />
Anyway, the bad rapist kid gets possessed:<br />
<br />
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And you're like, okay we'll that makes sense. I mean, he just accidentally stabbed his bad friend to death and he wasn't even possessed. Except he isn't possessed by the crazy pastor, he's possessed by:<br />
<br />
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<br />
I <i>think</i> that's the daughter who had an affair with the pastor. But, it could be the mom. Anyway, it's <i>not </i>whom you would expect to possess the bad rapist guy. While you're trying to figure that out, Denny gets possessed!<br />
<br />
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<br />
And then Caleb gets possessed!<br />
<br />
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<br />
He's looking at a picture of the creepy pastor when that happens, so I think <i>he's </i>possessed by the axe murderer! PLOT TWIST CITY. Jess better watch out! They could all axe murder her!<br />
<br />
But just when you're thinking that, Jess gets possessed too!<br />
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<br />
I know, she can't believe it either.<br />
<br />
This is definitely the most surprising and least expected moment in the whole movie. But usually a plot twist is supposed to imbue the previous events with new meaning. This imbues them with no meaning. Apparently, getting possessed doesn't matter UNLESS you get possessed by axe-murderness. But at this point everyone seems to have been possessed by the mean daughter and she got axe MURDERED. The mind reels, and then...<br />
<br />
Jess's possession frees Denny:<br />
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He goes down stairs and talks to Caleb, who is still presumably possessed by the ghost of the pastor. So, does Caleb say<br />
<br />
a. "Where am I? Whose pants are these?"<br />
b. "She told me she was 18!"<br />
c. "Boo!"<br />
d. "I know you're into me, bro, and I'm not into you so let's stop being friends."<br />
<br />
The answer is D! Possessed Caleb truth bombs Denny with his own internal business. It's like he's possessed by himself! Which is an interesting way of looking at adolescence.<br />
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The rest of The Axe Murders of Villisca is equally confusing, and continues to be about a bunch of teenagers reflecting on and ultimately confronting their past traumas while being possessed by the ghost of an old timey family. The bad guy turns out to be the poltergeist generated by the promiscuous daughter's shame about being a fornicator. And not the adult pastor who had sex with her and also killed her family. </div>
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Hey, it's time for questions for Paul.</div>
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1)<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: -0.25in;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Did anyone in the present day actually get killed
with an axe?</span><br />
<br />
PH: I don't think anyone did! There was that one guy who gets the ol' thought-you-were-somebody-else-and-stuck-a-knife-in-you. And then the other guy who gets the . . . wait, what happens to the other guy? . . . oh, huh. He stabs himself in the stomach.<br />
<br />
So two knife murders and zero axe murders in the present. But in the past there were like six axe murders and zero knife murders. At this rate, the sequel should be titled "The Knife Murders of Villisca" and feature one nail file murder. And after that, "The Nail File Murder of Villisca" in which no one will die, but someone will get scratched by a protruding nail. Next, in "The Protruding Nail Incident of Villisca" someone takes an iron pill and then gives birth. And finally, in "The Iron Pill Baby Shower of Villisca," there will be no murders or scratches, but everyone will give birth and there will be toddlers wandering everywhere holding plastic toy axes while listening to Iron Maiden.<br />
<br /></div>
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2)<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: -0.25in;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">What acts of violence as sexual metaphors might
have been more inclusive?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">PH: Getting stabbed as a heterosexual metaphor has been around since at least that time when the prince in <i>The Little Mermaid</i> stabs the giant octopoidal vagina witch with his ship's mighty prow. But jeez, Joe, you're not throwing me any softballs here--I dare <i>you </i>to come up with a non-heterosexual violence metaphor and put your name to it. Timidly, I'll just submit that something involving a hat would probably work. But I don't want to go any further than that. Just a killer hat.</span></div>
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3)<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: -0.25in;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">How long would a minor go away for trespassing
and arson? Like two years?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">PH: I don't know! But the nice thing about prison is that there are no killer hats to worry him!</span></div>
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4)<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: -0.25in;">
</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">How were drugs NOT involved?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">PH: You tried to trick me there! There <i>were </i>drugs--the two guys with the not-yet-stabbed abdomens smoke up and make sex jokes that don't make sense. "Are you sure this is pot" says one. "Yeah, man, I got it from Shelley," says another one suggestively, "Cherry-flavored." Now if this is a sexual metaphor, it's really difficult to follow. Unless pot is supposed to be a vagina. But pot isn't much like a vagina unless . . . oh man . . . it's A pot. And even then, I still think a killer hat works better.</span></div>
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Joe Dodsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10301572026488306542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-44545117208950638482017-08-28T22:47:00.001-07:002017-12-03T16:31:58.268-08:00THE AXE MURDERS OF VILLISCA (2016) [Paul's Review]<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-w2xfXYwJ0hw/WZjniZh5OlI/AAAAAAAABgg/sHrG8UjhQ3sHPvmUGqO3MXQaPQIR3DukwCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.20.02.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="360" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-w2xfXYwJ0hw/WZjniZh5OlI/AAAAAAAABgg/sHrG8UjhQ3sHPvmUGqO3MXQaPQIR3DukwCLcBGAs/s640/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.20.02.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I watched “The Axe Murders of Villisca” with my Gay
Friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many of my friends are gay, but
only one specifically requested, nay, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">demanded</i>
that he go by “Gay Friend”—“capitalized, ok?” he insisted—for this review.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wanted to get that out of the way at
the beginning, since I need you all to know that I don’t go around referring to
my friends as “here’s my Gay Friend,” and “this one is my Straight Friend, and
over here we’ve got my Millennial Friend, my Vegan Friend, my Republican Friend,
my Imaginary Friend, my Feline Friend, etc. etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of my friends are just friends, except
for my cats, which are just cats (calling an 8 pound thing that regularly draws
blood from you a “friend” doesn’t seem right, unless it’s an infant vampire who
always remembers your birthday).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ANYWAYS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When Gay
Friend thought it might be fun to watch the next Rock, Paper, Hatchet movie
with me, I said something like “sure, but it’s probably going to suck.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I was worried, because the next movie was
called “The Axe Murders of Villisca” and an unpronounceable title does not a
shining first impression make.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if it
sucked, then Gay Friend would become the Gay Friend Who Won’t Watch Another
Horror Movie With Me Again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But those
fears were unfounded!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I’m here
to tell you that “The Axe Murders of Villisca” is way easier to pronounce than it
looks, and that it’s way better to watch than to pronounce!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
And, it was really fortuitous to watch “Axe Murders” with
Gay Friend, because it has a gay subplot, which Gay Friend appreciated as
nicely handled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It even allowed him to
crack wise when the gay character suggests that they should all get back to
Maryville: "Maryville, ok?"</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Axe Murders </i>tells
the story of three preternaturally mature-looking high schoolers who break into
the locally famous murder house in the Iowa farmtown of Villisca on a ghost-hunting
expedition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then ghosts show up and
mayhem, axes, demon possession and so on is doled out in somewhat perfunctory
and not always coherent fashion.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But what makes <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Axe
Murders </i>so much better than the plot suggests are the three characters’
back stories and the nuanced love-triangle between them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Caleb
is the hot loner guy whose father was killed when the two of them botched a
robbery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Denny is his Gay Friend and avid
ghost hunter, whose own parents were killed in a car accident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And Jess is the new girl in town, a
transplant from Chicago, who is ostracized after a drunk-sex video of her is
spread around the high school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You get a
trauma, and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you </i>get a trauma!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Everybody gets a trauma</span>!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Jq-SOr7mfZI/WZjoAHvwfMI/AAAAAAAABg4/oyCQmvTuHC8hH8sFT6QJHLusDrPIc0_AwCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.18.31.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="842" data-original-width="1412" height="380" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Jq-SOr7mfZI/WZjoAHvwfMI/AAAAAAAABg4/oyCQmvTuHC8hH8sFT6QJHLusDrPIc0_AwCLcBGAs/s640/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.18.31.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thus, the trip to the axe murders house means
different things to each of the trio.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
Denny, it is the final episode of his and Caleb’s webcasting friendship, and his
seriousness for the endeavor shows how much the platform of their friendship means.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For Caleb, the whole event is simply a fun
escapade, and he doesn’t seem to share Denny’s strong feelings about the fact
that they will be parting forever the next day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And for Jess, the road trip is an opportunity to finally find some
friends and possibly move on from her stigmatization.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This means that the whole trip is shot
through with both secret insecurities and secret hopes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Denny doesn’t want to show quite how much
Caleb’s leaving is affecting him and is miffed that Jess is tagging along, and
Jess doesn’t want to show just how badly she wants to be accepted and thus must
try to win Denny’s approval while still flirting with Caleb at the same time,
and Caleb. . . well, to tell you the truth, Caleb is a bit of a rock.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(“I don’t mind rocks” Gay Friend chimes in)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But less Caleb just means more screentime for Denny and Jess: a pair of worthy performances from "don't sleep on him" Jarrett
Sleeper and the (I swear) correctly spelled Alex Frnka.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tony Valenzuela deserves credit for directing
several pitch perfect scenes that convey the characters’ inner conflicts
without overplaying or pandering.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
FOR EXAMPLE, when Caleb asks Jess to take a selfie with him,
she visibly hesitates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She doesn’t
mention anything about the video that haunts her, but an engaged viewer can
tell the mental calculus that she’s performing between wanting to please Caleb
and being still burned by the last guy who took her picture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that hesitation happens again when she
decides to post the photo to social media, which isn’t really about Caleb at all,
but rather about daring to wade into the treacherous waters online life again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a subtle moment, and not even only a
symbolic one, as the photo she uploads becomes a key instrument later on in
moving the plot forward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But once that plot gets far enough along, the ghosts show up
and the carefully crafted teenage drama falls more or less apart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each character is possessed, apparently by
some evil demonic force who lived in Iowa before God, or at least before the
1950s according to the murky messaging of the movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And each of their individual traumas is used
by the demon to control them, a control which is lost when they look into
mirrors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all a bit hokey with the
mirrors, as it seems to move in the Millennial direction (sorry, Millennial
Friend!) of suggesting that your insecurities can be solved by admiring
yourself harder.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then there’s simply poor time management by the evil
force, which has like a quarter of an hour to walk the possessed Denny off a
second-story balcony in what would surely be a failed suicide attempt, but
amazingly is unable to even get him off the ledge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did the controller batteries go dead?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The ineptitude on the part of the forces of evil is matched
by a corresponding ignorance on the part of the forces of good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Spoiler Alert) At the end of the film, Caleb
goes all white knight and decides to take the fall for all of the shit that
went down at the house, including the burning of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But they all seem to forget that Jess
uploaded the picture of them together to social media and that Denny has been
recording everything (and telling his youtube audience about their impending
adventure).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is just a mountain of
evidence that puts all of them at the scene, and so Caleb’s well-intentioned
sacrifice becomes just another folly of the young (even when played by a 32-year-old
actor).</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I heard from my writing partner Joe, and he is definitely not as amped on this film as I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I imagine that’s
because in his review he’s going to talk about how the ghosts and the true-story aspect of the film faceplant in the final third.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But I think all that is just subplot to the interpersonal drama of
scarred and flawed young people trying to find honest friendship and acceptance
. . . and, I suppose, whatever Caleb’s rock-like hurtling towards
meaningless yolo sacrifice means.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Plus, there's Grant Wood cosplay!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MhnwX_oSVfM/WZjngsjoG0I/AAAAAAAABgA/ezGrZv-i1UMjU0iMXpQBc752eWiXz-5QgCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.13.48.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1078" data-original-width="801" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MhnwX_oSVfM/WZjngsjoG0I/AAAAAAAABgA/ezGrZv-i1UMjU0iMXpQBc752eWiXz-5QgCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.13.48.png" width="237" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_CQp2Dm-3vE/WZjsmOp_WII/AAAAAAAABhU/LZRnYBltkNMl4P1WV7rnGw7-P0_xi3p0gCLcBGAs/s1600/Grant_Wood_-_American_Gothic_-_Google_Art_Project.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1166" data-original-width="716" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_CQp2Dm-3vE/WZjsmOp_WII/AAAAAAAABhU/LZRnYBltkNMl4P1WV7rnGw7-P0_xi3p0gCLcBGAs/s320/Grant_Wood_-_American_Gothic_-_Google_Art_Project.jpg" width="196" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For me, and for Gay Friend, I'm happy to report, there’s a level of
care in character and restrained dialogue that gives “Axe Murders of Villisca”
something unique.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Even the treatment of such loaded issues as homophobia and slut-shaming has a light touch. They feel like real teenage problems that are faced individually (by thirty-year-olds, admittedly) with different aspects of courage and strategy rather than monolithic and overwhelming social ills as they might have seemed if raised to the level of controlling theme. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Ugh, is my pedantic academic writing style showing? Who uses the word "pedantic" but pedants?! Stop it, Paul! See, we all have our demons to fight. Quick, I'm off to gaze at myself in a mirror! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">And while I'm doing that, why don't you check out all the prairieland B-roll . . . Mid-West Coast 4 Eva! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-grHHqtisg7o/WZjrYcqjmfI/AAAAAAAABhE/0HSZqFz_ndQXZMZ0i1Q1kAUlLfBH-hLUgCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.44.22.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="880" data-original-width="1600" height="176" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-grHHqtisg7o/WZjrYcqjmfI/AAAAAAAABhE/0HSZqFz_ndQXZMZ0i1Q1kAUlLfBH-hLUgCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.44.22.png" width="320" /></a><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YhxT0s6iMnA/WZjnft_05RI/AAAAAAAABf4/EeTyjFcLCzAhJ2yR4t7vM9fq_FRY8xOhwCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.13.01.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="1600" height="165" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YhxT0s6iMnA/WZjnft_05RI/AAAAAAAABf4/EeTyjFcLCzAhJ2yR4t7vM9fq_FRY8xOhwCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.13.01.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jzy5oJE9xpE/WZjngUXauPI/AAAAAAAABf8/6v1tGj_AcNgMd9Gi6M5D2zk54Ep-aas1gCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.12.45.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="910" data-original-width="1600" height="182" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jzy5oJE9xpE/WZjngUXauPI/AAAAAAAABf8/6v1tGj_AcNgMd9Gi6M5D2zk54Ep-aas1gCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.12.45.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UtwQG7UAZcE/WZjnjVp2IoI/AAAAAAAABgw/jU2fyDht4kInDU20fAjz1Z9RZmPAsW3NgCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.24.18.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UtwQG7UAZcE/WZjnjVp2IoI/AAAAAAAABgw/jU2fyDht4kInDU20fAjz1Z9RZmPAsW3NgCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.24.18.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FNKxzyMgT54/WZjnhbXLCaI/AAAAAAAABgM/VpYsdrl3rQ4Fw3R4MGshq2jwF2PUauKzACLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.14.50.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="778" data-original-width="1354" height="183" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FNKxzyMgT54/WZjnhbXLCaI/AAAAAAAABgM/VpYsdrl3rQ4Fw3R4MGshq2jwF2PUauKzACLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.14.50.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-U0YIdIta_Sg/WZjnhQEIu6I/AAAAAAAABgQ/SXajv8QJXcgJqcEcwgcoxbZq4erHVbtVwCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.15.04.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="884" data-original-width="1600" height="176" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-U0YIdIta_Sg/WZjnhQEIu6I/AAAAAAAABgQ/SXajv8QJXcgJqcEcwgcoxbZq4erHVbtVwCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.15.04.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<b>Questions for Joe:
</b><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An overnight stay at the Villisca murder
house costs $428.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Given what you’ve seen
in this film, is that a reasonable price?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
JD: Pfft, if I'm going to get possessed into reenacting the lame romance between an adolescent Christian girl and her pastor, I want to GET paid. At least...$10. $20 if I'm the pastor.</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, in 1912, a teenage girl can be
seduced with a piece of hard candy wrapped in cellophane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did you know that cellophane was first used
for candy wrapping in 1912?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is there a
connection between cellophane and Villisca?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
JD: Apparently, cellophane come from cellulose, which is the merriest of molecules!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3Kd98ytAW80/WZ4qvDT0jcI/AAAAAAAAC3A/9pwjRvlMK3oc20uWcwYDxtckk9ht2mQYgCLcBGAs/s1600/cellophane.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="122" data-original-width="296" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3Kd98ytAW80/WZ4qvDT0jcI/AAAAAAAAC3A/9pwjRvlMK3oc20uWcwYDxtckk9ht2mQYgCLcBGAs/s1600/cellophane.png" /></a></div>
What was the question?<br />
<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which looks more evil, the house they used
for the movie or the actual Villisca murder house? </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xjLXfar4X7Y/WZjr9nqXccI/AAAAAAAABhM/JkhzIjA1i1EWM4y-7sWwzmzwo-d2ESZhwCLcBGAs/s1600/villisca.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="283" data-original-width="650" height="139" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xjLXfar4X7Y/WZjr9nqXccI/AAAAAAAABhM/JkhzIjA1i1EWM4y-7sWwzmzwo-d2ESZhwCLcBGAs/s320/villisca.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Real House</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</i></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-o8OepS4ZGmo/WZjnhDSP94I/AAAAAAAABgI/4gVuBfnZt-AYSCuqukIzHwFL92ki-JGIgCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.14.21.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="988" data-original-width="1437" height="219" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-o8OepS4ZGmo/WZjnhDSP94I/AAAAAAAABgI/4gVuBfnZt-AYSCuqukIzHwFL92ki-JGIgCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-08-19%2B18.14.21.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Movie Version</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">JD: The horror fan in me prefers the top, but the adolescent girl in me is like "Why you axin' me?" </span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why does the axe murder house keep so many
axes in the cellar?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or is that a stupid question?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">JD: To keep them out of reach of the children. Irony!</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So is it a tragedy or a blessing that Jess
wins Caleb’s affection right before he goes to prison?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you think that relationship has staying
power?</i></div>
<br />
JD: She, her boyfriend, and his gay friend were all possessed by ghosts. Her boyfriend destroyed a house and got sent to prison. The question is, which part of this movie is the metaphor for meth?<br />
<br />Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-58769935435768917302017-07-17T18:31:00.001-07:002017-07-18T08:20:02.688-07:00HAVENHURST (2016) [Joe's Review]<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lP3fzq-6Qhs/WWlgaVCZK5I/AAAAAAAAC1c/joWjN7WHjp0AlXhjtVET2Kzr5509RXMiwCLcBGAs/s1600/h1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="658" data-original-width="1600" height="262" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lP3fzq-6Qhs/WWlgaVCZK5I/AAAAAAAAC1c/joWjN7WHjp0AlXhjtVET2Kzr5509RXMiwCLcBGAs/s640/h1.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>Havenhurst </i>seems like the nicest halfway house ever. But
***SPOILER ALERT*** it’s really one of the meanest!<o:p></o:p></div>
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</div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
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In <a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/07/havenhurst-2016-pauls-review.html" target="_blank">his review</a>, my friend Paul covered the general plot of
<i>Havenhurst </i>and also pointed out that it’s a pretty good movie (in the context
of the worst-ever movies we generally cover). I will really briefly also cover
the plot, and then dive into the two things I actually want to talk about:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ul>
<li>The protagonist’s investigative drinking</li>
<li>The creepy guy who lives under the trap doors</li>
</ul>
<br />
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So, the general plot is this: Jackie and Danielle became
friends in rehab. When Danielle vanished, Jackie investigated the last place she
was seen: <i>Havenhurst</i>. Which was pretty convenient because <i>Havenhurst </i>is where fresh-out-of-rehab
alcoholics live rent free, and Jackie just happened to qualify. She even got to
live in Danielle's old room!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But there’s a catch! If you relapse at <i>Havenhurst</i>, you’ll
fall through a trap door into a dungeon where a creepy guy will rip your guts
out. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Xuv2i3SPVSY/WWlggC09RdI/AAAAAAAAC1g/d98i_OmvBSsUWp_gllkU3FYAUlesZiV2ACLcBGAs/s1600/h2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="682" data-original-width="1592" height="171" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Xuv2i3SPVSY/WWlggC09RdI/AAAAAAAAC1g/d98i_OmvBSsUWp_gllkU3FYAUlesZiV2ACLcBGAs/s400/h2.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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That’s a pretty simple premise, but the movie seemed to
promise a lot more in the early going. The hotel itself is kind of a puzzle box
and the atmosphere pulses with unseen evil.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But alas, the thrill of the movie is largely undermined when
Jackie says “Screw it, I’ll drink this bottle of whiskey and see where that
takes me.” Based on what you’ve seen previously in <i>Havenhurst</i>, she should fall
through a trap door and get disemboweled. But, she doesn’t. Instead, she sleeps
through the night and then investigates the laundry room with the help of the little
neighbor girl and finds a hidden door that leads to the Room of Evidence that
<i>Havenhurst </i>is Evil.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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When you consider that the alcohol didn’t help her find the
evidence room, Jackie’s drinking seems pretty asinine. What makes it even worse
is the fact that she got drunk the SAME night she offered to take care of the
little neighbor girl, Sarah, who had just survived a brutal rape attempt. I get
it, children make you want to drink. Mine certainly do. And so did Jackie’s, as
shown in a flashback scene where she drunkenly fails to cook dinner for her daughter. This is the second worst type of drunken cooking.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RHbe8_O4klQ/WWlgndDR4cI/AAAAAAAAC1k/7c26ixo0XxMCkXdEMDk8Ju6eTSaj5WB1ACLcBGAs/s1600/h3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="670" data-original-width="1600" height="167" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RHbe8_O4klQ/WWlgndDR4cI/AAAAAAAAC1k/7c26ixo0XxMCkXdEMDk8Ju6eTSaj5WB1ACLcBGAs/s400/h3.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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But Jackie wasn’t drinking to relieve the pressure of
parental responsibility. She drank to find out what happened to people who
drank at <i>Havenhurst </i>– she heard them screaming as they disappeared, but what
were the actual consequences? Only one way to find out, right?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Actually, Jackie was uniquely educated in the screaming consequences
of compulsive drinking. The whole reason she went to rehab in the first place was because she drove
drunk with her actual daughter in the car, crashed, and her daughter died in
the ensuing fire. Which, by the way, is the third worst type of drunken cooking. Wait, or is it the first? Damn you, drunken writing!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zO1fvMpcicY/WWlg5qOK_hI/AAAAAAAAC1o/lPvKPMUkrtg-kXRWcsxvEGbQ2VQo-n2mwCLcBGAs/s1600/h4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="689" data-original-width="1598" height="171" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zO1fvMpcicY/WWlg5qOK_hI/AAAAAAAAC1o/lPvKPMUkrtg-kXRWcsxvEGbQ2VQo-n2mwCLcBGAs/s400/h4.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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Anyway, upon being entrusted with the care of another child, Jackie
immediately got drunk as part of her investigation into the consequences of
drinking.<br />
<br /></div>
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Like I said earlier, Jackie should have fallen through a
trap door and gotten disemboweled. But where was the freaking trap door
operator? He had ONE JOB.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Speaking of the trap door operator, he is generally able to
be everywhere all the time because he uses Havenhurst’s trap doors like
teleporters. He’s like that annoying <i>Mortal Kombat </i>character,
Quan’Chi, who can just drop on peoples’ heads from off-screen anytime he wants.
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Here he is literally getting the drop on Jackie:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gAFXQd3BAUk/WWlhEz9qRTI/AAAAAAAAC1s/_MzQejJBHogvOBJ0jB4d_gLxWi6-4AvMQCLcBGAs/s1600/h6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="660" data-original-width="1600" height="163" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gAFXQd3BAUk/WWlhEz9qRTI/AAAAAAAAC1s/_MzQejJBHogvOBJ0jB4d_gLxWi6-4AvMQCLcBGAs/s400/h6.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bqfbV8D5wUM/WWlhF8CPW_I/AAAAAAAAC1w/TX7Uc82-IQAmIbh8x9U-Mobz4IjI2FV_wCLcBGAs/s1600/h7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="689" data-original-width="1581" height="173" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bqfbV8D5wUM/WWlhF8CPW_I/AAAAAAAAC1w/TX7Uc82-IQAmIbh8x9U-Mobz4IjI2FV_wCLcBGAs/s400/h7.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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His physical appearance is pretty incongruous with the rest of the movie. </div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ofIBEBdBW94/WWlhWCGgRdI/AAAAAAAAC10/AJEa2zlWR68IBKjcm6O3Pf4cvOJb6Rv9ACLcBGAs/s1600/h10.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="691" data-original-width="1509" height="182" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ofIBEBdBW94/WWlhWCGgRdI/AAAAAAAAC10/AJEa2zlWR68IBKjcm6O3Pf4cvOJb6Rv9ACLcBGAs/s400/h10.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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The first thing that jumps out at you, after he jumps out at you, is the fact that he's <i>really </i>pale.</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QJfellTHCHc/WWlhkem1duI/AAAAAAAAC14/4wgJ-C21_jYCxIXussH_cy0cdWzIoZMXwCLcBGAs/s1600/h9.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="652" data-original-width="1600" height="162" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QJfellTHCHc/WWlhkem1duI/AAAAAAAAC14/4wgJ-C21_jYCxIXussH_cy0cdWzIoZMXwCLcBGAs/s400/h9.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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I get it, he
doesn’t get out much. He lives in walls. He’s pale. But what’s with the weird
harness and the metal looking…</div>
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<br /></div>
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Bah gawd, King! That's Quan’Chi's music! What's he doing here?!<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XYcpKnjdtKs/WWv_3zoCtqI/AAAAAAAAC2I/k0exemPxMawpBLLQtJVbM0wHD32YcdrBgCLcBGAs/s1600/qc1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="250" data-original-width="500" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XYcpKnjdtKs/WWv_3zoCtqI/AAAAAAAAC2I/k0exemPxMawpBLLQtJVbM0wHD32YcdrBgCLcBGAs/s400/qc1.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br />
Oh my god. The bad guy IS Quan Chi.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FH_g-qyPDvA/WWlhrvTiSsI/AAAAAAAAC18/M2JfPvoeDfAld69ZNbjsIK6lGHmQkOiuACLcBGAs/s1600/quan%2Bchi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FH_g-qyPDvA/WWlhrvTiSsI/AAAAAAAAC18/M2JfPvoeDfAld69ZNbjsIK6lGHmQkOiuACLcBGAs/s320/quan%2Bchi.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
You really can get anybody to be in these
straight-to-Netflix horror movies. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><o:p>Questions for Paul:</o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p>
<o:p><i>JD: What kind of camera was Danielle using? Is that really a camera someone could be expected to take everywhere with them? Was Danielle killed for being a hipster? Do we have Havenhurst all wrong?</i></o:p><br />
<br />
<o:p><b>PH: </b>The camera doesn't make the artist. What makes the artist is having the vision to choose as your subject the wall in the room in which you are sitting. And then to frame and hang your picture of the wall <i>on </i>said wall. You have to wonder, did she return to her couch with a sense of satisfaction, kicking up her feet on the coffee table, looking at the wall that is now adorned with a picture of itself and saying, "I loved the look of the picture-less wall so much that I took a picture of it and hung it on the wall so I'll never forget what it looked like before I hung this picture of it on it"?</o:p><br />
<o:p><i> </i></o:p><br />
<o:p>And yes, we have Havenhurst all wrong.</o:p><br />
<o:p><br /></o:p>
<o:p><i>JD: Speaking of which, what is Havenhurst's business model?</i></o:p><br />
<br />
<o:p><b>PH: </b>It's a long ramp. First you rent out all your apartments for free. Then you evict them. Then you kill them. Do this long enough until you get full buy-in from your employees. And then build a strong supportive corporate culture. Aggressively pursue market share. Reduce overhead by building trapdoors. You're the one that went to business school and you're asking me?</o:p><br />
<o:p><i> </i></o:p><br />
<o:p><i>JD: Which brother would you rather be? The one who lives in the walls? Or the one who cleans the walls?</i></o:p><br />
<br />
<o:p><b>PH: </b>Neither is really the career of my dreams, you know? But I'd have to say that the cleaning of the walls seems more like a standard entry level gig. Whereas living in the walls means forgoing entries entirely and has a really limited potential for advancement.</o:p><br />
<o:p><i> </i></o:p><br />
<o:p><i>JD: Who would have been a scarier alternative dungeon denizen: Goro or Shao Kahn?</i></o:p><br />
<br />
<o:p><b>PH: </b>Hold on, got to look them up. . . Ok, got it. Goro has four arms but only three fingers on each hand. Shao Kahn has got some vicious epaulettes. The question is, which of them seems more like a violent teetotaler? Maybe Goro? He probably has all sorts of problems holding drinks with his stubby three fingers yet is asked <i>all the time </i>to hold other people's drinks.</o:p><br />
<o:p><i> </i></o:p><br />
<o:p><i> </i></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
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Joe Dodsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10301572026488306542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-84033995481273505672017-07-01T13:47:00.001-07:002017-08-04T09:29:43.624-07:00HAVENHURST (2016) [Paul's Review]<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-flTzCYrjQ8g/WVf-KFdE0fI/AAAAAAAABdw/GaYhAEEd_94KvoFFB4lo-iA1R2B-z7AqQCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-06-30%2B10.30.27.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="764" data-original-width="1207" height="404" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-flTzCYrjQ8g/WVf-KFdE0fI/AAAAAAAABdw/GaYhAEEd_94KvoFFB4lo-iA1R2B-z7AqQCLcBGAs/s640/Screenshot%2B2017-06-30%2B10.30.27.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here’s the offer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
can live, rent-free, in a pristine, old-money, New York apartment with tall
ceilings, wainscoting up to here, immaculate furnishings and updated
appliances.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, in return, you have to
give up one of your most beloved vices, let’s say drinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all like the occasional tipple,
right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But in this rent-free, fantastic
apartment in the Havenhurst building, if you have one drink, you DIE!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, what do you do?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Right, ok, so it would seem an easy decision, sitting there
in your reasonably-priced house somewhere west of Manhattan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nope, you think, I’ll pay for my rent and my
FREEDOM, prop my feet up on my <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>worn craigslist
coffee table (wow, that thing’s still here?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I meant to replace it years ago, but it still holds drinks up, I suppose)
and watch <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Havenhurst, </i>which you heard
from this blog was actually pretty ok, while sipping on a scotch and soda.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s what you drink right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thought so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But those of you that have looked for housing in Manhattan
lately might pause.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d like some more
information, you say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s the square
footage?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s the policy on pot?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not saying I’d
take it, but it’s worth poking around a little bit, reading the fine print, you
know?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here, on page 634, line 15, the
lease says “or you will DIE!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can you tell me, is it a quick death? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Havenhurst</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's actually pretty OK! After a pre-title sequence in which a guy and
a girl doing blow in their apartment get dead, the plot opens with the
alcoholic Jackie (Julie Benz) leaving rehab.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Through the philanthropy of Eleanor Mudgett (played with flair by
Fionnula Flangan, and attired with, uh, ambition by suits made entirely of
lapels), recent rehab patients can live, for AS LONG AS THEY LIKE WITHOUT RENT,
in her tudor-style Havenhurst building on the upper east side.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Immediately upon taking up residence there, Jackie becomes
suspicious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The handyman is creepy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s a creepy kid on the elevator.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somebody laid out a dress on her bed while
she was taking a shower.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which is extreme
creepy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But Jackie is nonplussed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has zero plusses to give.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know what she does with that dress that
some unknown intruder laid out for her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She fucking wears it, that’s what!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-c1uHi8NvLIo/WVgEGTtq_FI/AAAAAAAABeA/3Njea9yrbvEdPLBajAfcWUcpRsZ0PGgnwCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-07-01%2B13.15.16.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="691" data-original-width="1130" height="195" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-c1uHi8NvLIo/WVgEGTtq_FI/AAAAAAAABeA/3Njea9yrbvEdPLBajAfcWUcpRsZ0PGgnwCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-07-01%2B13.15.16.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hello? Who's there?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Kjx30ucCbJo/WVgEGdjrx2I/AAAAAAAABeE/JHDSmLhdUJ8xK01FYhk52D1GVXedQoAMACLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-07-01%2B13.16.35.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="779" data-original-width="1187" height="210" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Kjx30ucCbJo/WVgEGdjrx2I/AAAAAAAABeE/JHDSmLhdUJ8xK01FYhk52D1GVXedQoAMACLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-07-01%2B13.16.35.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Is someone in here?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-s30rJCA8ac8/WVgEHEX-mzI/AAAAAAAABeU/k3DcXVqKpI0lBNLhwnwnaD5nLcj4y996wCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-07-01%2B13.17.09.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="745" data-original-width="1573" height="151" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-s30rJCA8ac8/WVgEHEX-mzI/AAAAAAAABeU/k3DcXVqKpI0lBNLhwnwnaD5nLcj4y996wCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-07-01%2B13.17.09.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What the . . .? I didn't put this here!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7u5LmWqdRe8/WVgEHJN6gaI/AAAAAAAABeM/G7k6m7BEmtYvEpknmgjAUQwOXTjRD_cOACLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-07-01%2B13.17.18.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="772" data-original-width="1301" height="189" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7u5LmWqdRe8/WVgEHJN6gaI/AAAAAAAABeM/G7k6m7BEmtYvEpknmgjAUQwOXTjRD_cOACLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-07-01%2B13.17.18.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's mysterious but . . . </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AcnAoA3Um4Q/WVgEjfEsuMI/AAAAAAAABeY/-YqBp5WuPpUQ1kNsTexAZs8u5NWSh14SQCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-07-01%2B13.21.38.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="799" data-original-width="1048" height="243" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AcnAoA3Um4Q/WVgEjfEsuMI/AAAAAAAABeY/-YqBp5WuPpUQ1kNsTexAZs8u5NWSh14SQCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-07-01%2B13.21.38.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">. . . I'm not above taking a fashion tip!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One of the best of the creepy things that Jackie notices are
the pictures that are hanging, framed, around her apartment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The photos are all interior photos <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">of the apartment</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a gleaming moment of genuine uncanny in
the film.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s an apartment decorated
with itself!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PCci_mi6b54/WVgGBh7gGfI/AAAAAAAABeg/rOlzALJh7HIryfEkPh6oNTvbkUs5epr6QCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-07-01%2B13.08.29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="755" data-original-width="1304" height="185" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PCci_mi6b54/WVgGBh7gGfI/AAAAAAAABeg/rOlzALJh7HIryfEkPh6oNTvbkUs5epr6QCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-07-01%2B13.08.29.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Unfortunately, some of this is dulled by what we discover
later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jackie has taken the apartment of
her friend from rehab, the one who did blow, blowing her lease,
and was dispatched before the title credits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This friend, Danielle, was a photographer, and Jackie discovers that the
photos of the apartment were part of a research project that Danielle was doing
on the building.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, the photos
show that different parts of the architecture in the building changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like, there’s a picture of a wall in the
laundry room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then a picture of a
door in that wall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And Jackie’s like,
look—Danielle was onto something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
documented the changes in the building.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Someone or something is making alterations to the building!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-D0loF6e1PIA/WVgG2_qU9FI/AAAAAAAABek/iMcFSdyud3YdgjzamlmFIACXtEHMKeAAwCLcBGAs/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-07-01%2B13.31.29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="784" data-original-width="1236" height="202" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-D0loF6e1PIA/WVgG2_qU9FI/AAAAAAAABek/iMcFSdyud3YdgjzamlmFIACXtEHMKeAAwCLcBGAs/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-07-01%2B13.31.29.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, faithful reader, what do you think my problem is going
to be with this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’d think it was the
fact that hanging a door and doing all that drywall would make a lot of
noise—why do you need before-and-after photos to tell that new walls and doors
were being built when you could just mosey on by while the work was being done
itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’d probably hear the banging.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Speaking of banging, one of the tenants is a former
prostitute in leopard print.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She bangs a dude for cash and, bang!, she
gets an eviction notice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which means
impending death for her, and, presumably, bang! no security deposit refund for her
next of kin.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nope, I’m willing to accept ninja contractors who work under
the cover of darkness and hammer so softly that it’s inaudible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My issue is: how did Danielle know that work
was going to be done on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that </i>wall
before the work even happened?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do
you know to take <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">before </i>pictures when
you don’t know that there’s going to be an <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">after</i>?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But nonplussed, Jackie goes investigating with the help of a
bland little neighbor girl and the sometimes help of her detective friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But getting nowhere, she decides that the
only way to find out where Danielle went is to get herself evicted (she’s not actually
aware that this gets you killed).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So she gets herself some whiskey, props her feet up on the coffee table
(boy, that’s a nice coffee table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Man, I
wish this one from craigslist would wander off someday), and gets off that wagon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At this point, the film drops through a trapdoor from a
suspense thriller into a splatter torture-basement movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
See, the changes in the building were to create a labyrinth
of secret passageways and gazoodles of trap doors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Characters fall into trap doors in all manner
of places.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One trap door is in the back
of a closet, which would seem like awful trap door placement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just not a lot of foot traffic through
there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another trap door is at the foot
of a bed, and the bed inclines on a set of mechanical gears to dump the sleeper
down the chute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s a lot of work to
get someone down a chute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the
trapdoors drops Jackie into a tiny room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How will she get out?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You guessed
it—there’s a trapdoor in there too!</div>
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At the bottom of the festival of trapdoors, a cavefish-white
leather-clad sadist menaces the evicted by eviscerating them and
hanging them on slabs and whatnot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
special effects here are sufficiently grody.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There’s more than one time that you’ll think: getting cut in half and having your guts fall out has got to be a
metaphor for what it feels like to get evicted from a rent-controlled apartment on the upper East
side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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The film finishes with half a twist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Spoiler here: the sadist in the basement is
some relation to the philanthropist proprietor, as is the handyman, and all
three of them are recruiting the bland girl to join their murderous,
torture-happy, but well-meaning family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Though an incongruous grouping, it allows Fionnula Flanagan to chew up
so much scenery it’s a wonder we can’t see Los Angeles through the bite holes
in the walls (that’s right, this movie is New York on the outside and California
on the inside, like an avocado bagel or Biggie Smalls).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Particularly noteworthy is her dismissive
wave sending the gimp-like sadist back into his hole.</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Havenhurst </i>may not
wrap up neatly, the plot gets out of control and the action sequences feel dull
near the end, but because of its admirable commitment to all things trapdoor,
there’s always a ready-to-hand metaphor for how to get out cleanly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hey, is that a coffee table at the back of
this closet?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>aaaand. . . *foomp*.</div>
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<b>Questions for Joe (and check out his review <a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/07/havenhurst-2016-joes-review.html">here</a>):</b></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would the basement sadist do with his
time if everyone kept the terms of their lease?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></i>
<b>JD:</b> What all basement sadists do in their free time: post comments on Youtube.<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If your bed tried to dump you down a chute,
how would you escape?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<b>JD:</b> I live in a small condo with a woman and two children, Paul. If any space opened up in our apartment, any space at all, it would immediately be filled with toys and unfolded laundry. I would welcome the hole. I would pay for the hole.<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if someone was addicted to masochism? </i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b>JD:</b> Like Bill Murray in <i>Little Shop of Horrors</i>!</span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></span>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I guess they'd really enjoy their stay at Havenhurst, rent free no less! As an aside, I went to E3 this year and they opened it to 15,000 fans. You'd think 15,000 added to the normal 50,000 wouldn't have that big an impact, but out of the normal 50,000 probably only 10,000 are on the show floor at any given moment. But I think all 15,000 fans were on the show floor at all times. It was like being in a Coke bottle that someone shook up. I touched and was touched by hundreds of people constantly. And it occurred to me that somewhere in there, out of all those people, there was one person who was just <i>loving</i> it. Probably Bill Murray.</span>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is being a prostitute really an addiction?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b>JD:</b> No, but leopard print is. And apparently, so are lapels.</span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was up with that pedophile foster
parent?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shouldn’t there be, like, more
oversight or something?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or did this one
just, heh, slip through the cracks (and down a chute!)?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></i>
<b>JD:</b> I don't know, Paul. But he really nailed his drunk molester pervert act. A visceral performance if ever there was one. Took a lot of guts. He really let it all hang OUAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh........*<br />
</div>
Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-33851866974211494152017-06-23T12:31:00.001-07:002017-06-23T12:31:55.731-07:00Four More? Sure!<br />
It's been real nice conversing like this round the fire. But now the moon is high, and the bats are flying. I'd say its 'bout that time we be headin' along, pardner.<br />
<br />
But before we go, let's survey the trail ahead. <br />
<br />
1. <i>Havenhurst</i><br />
<br />
2. <i>The Axe Murders of Villisca</i><br />
<br />
3. <i>Satanic</i><br />
<br />
4. <i>I am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House </i><br />
<br />
See you down the road a bit!Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-6845567213881739862017-06-21T00:21:00.000-07:002017-06-21T00:21:49.298-07:00First Half of 2017 Wrap!Well, hey there. Remember what we said back in January about Rock, Paper, Hatchet picking up the pace and turning stuff out on a regular schedule? Neither do we!<br />
<br />
It took us half a year to cover the previous four movies. That's not so great. But Joe just had a baby. And that's really great! It's great for him because babies are reportedly really awesome things to have. And it's great for me because, besides being happy for him, I now have a plausible excuse for only writing four reviews in six months! How could I, in good conscience, have written any faster when Joe was working so hard with his new responsibilities? It would have been WRONG.<br />
<br />
But hey, while I've got you on the line, I want to humblebrag that RPH has had a noticeable uptick in pageviews recently. A lot of this has to do with our reviews of movies that almost no one else reviewed--"Fairlane Road," "The Secrets of Emily Blair," and "The Hollow" for example. So thank you for the pageviews and the lone Google+ recommendation we got! It still blows me away that people we don't even know find these reviews randomly and actually read them. And it isn't even just Ukrainian spambots anymore!<br />
<br />
Though, come to think of it, I don't know where our loyal spambots went to. Did we say something offensive? I'm not sure how to alienate unconscious strings of benignly parasitic code--but we did it! Either that or they watched <i>Awaken </i>on our recommendation and it melted their little mechanical brains.<br />
<br />
Now, to the rankings!<br />
<br />
<b>PAUL'S RANKINGS (with links to his reviews)</b><br />
<br />
1. <i><a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/03/bleed-2016-pauls-review.html" target="_blank">Bleed</a></i> (2016): A collection of thirty-somethings are stalked by ghosts and a rural cult for the possession of an unborn suburbanite. It doesn't make a lick of sense, but the fact that it doesn't try is sort of refreshing.<br />
<br />
2. <i><a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/02/the-rezort-2015-pauls-review.html" target="_blank">The Rezort</a> </i>(2016): Trouble goes down at an island resort where people pay to kill zombies with machine guns. The red camo shorts made an impression on me. That's how easy it is to make it to number 2 in this four-way pillow fight.<br />
<br />
3. <i><a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/02/clinical-2017-pauls-review.html" target="_blank">Clinical</a> </i>(2016): Something about a psychiatrist that wallows in seemingly endless therapy sessions. There are no red camo shorts in <i>Clinical</i>, but it does have a gruesome gross-out scene near the end that warrants putting it above . . .<br />
<br />
4. <i><a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/04/the-secrets-of-emily-blair-2016-pauls.html" target="_blank">The Secrets of Emily Blair</a></i> (2016): Emily Blair is possessed by a demon and only two priests and a well-groomed fiance can save her! This is done by baby-birding her holy water. I'm not shitting you. <br />
<br />
<b>JOE'S RANKINGS (with links to his reviews)</b><br />
<br />
1. <i><a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/02/clinical-joes-review.html" target="_blank">Clinical</a> </i>(2016): Normally when someone asks you to rank a short list your imagination begins whirring with possibilities. "Which one will I choose first," you wonder, "which will receive the honor of my favor?" Now imagine saying these things to yourself while looking at a Del Taco menu and share in my hopelessness. "Which permutation of guacamole, steak, and french fries is superior to the others? Are there any ingredients in the Epic Bacon Ranch Chicken Avocado Burrito not included in the title?"<br />
<br />
<i>Clinical </i>is my first choice because it had one thing I really liked in it. So while it may be the Epic Bacon Ranch Chicken Avocado Burrito of cinema, at least it had bacon.<br />
<br />
2. <i><a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/06/the-secrets-of-emily-blair-2016-joes.html" target="_blank">The Secrets of Emily Blair</a></i> (2016): Did you know there's a secret menu of food items at Del Taco known only to the most dedicated consumers of trash? What a perfect metaphor for RockPaperHatchet! We are the Del Taco Secret Menu of blogs. And that can only mean that <i>The Secrets of Emily Blair</i> is the Buntaco - the least congruous thing on the menu. And even more confusing than the dislocated forest-of-the-soul story-line it attempts is the fact that it attempted it in the first place. Why is it 2nd and not 4th? Buntac-if-I-know.<br />
<br />
3. <i><a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/03/bleed-2016-joes-post.html" target="_blank">Bleed</a></i> (2016): Did you know that at Del Taco you can "Go Bold" and they'll put Secret Sauce and fries on whatever you just ordered? <i>Bleed</i> goes bold with an incredibly unlikely rape scene and the murder of a pregnant woman. And I guess french fries. I'm just slapping shit together here because I am the Del Taco employee of bloggers.<br />
<br />
4. <i><a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/02/the-rezort-2015-joes-review.html" target="_blank">The Rezort</a> </i>(2016): The Stoner Burrito is like a half pound bean and cheese burrito with french fries in it. That's it? Yes, that's it. And that's exactly the same reaction you'll have to <i>The Rezort</i>, unless you're high enough to be impressed by french fries in a bean-n-cheese burrito. In which case, do we have the movie for you!<br />
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<br />Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-30212733686515750722017-06-08T16:52:00.000-07:002017-06-08T16:52:58.344-07:00THE SECRETS OF EMILY BLAIR (2016) [Joe's Review]<div class="MsoNormal">
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Emily Blair’s secrets are that she made out with her boss
at her engagement party. And also she’s possessed by the devil.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<i>The Secrets of Emily Blair</i> continues the chilling exorcism
movie title convention of “The (Something) of (So and So)”, which has taken on
a fascinating life of its own. As far as I can tell, and after at least 16
minutes of internet research, the first “The Something of The Person/Place”
movie was actually “<i>A Haunting in Connecticut</i>” which was a TV horror
documentary that aired in 2002. </div>
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From
there, it went:</div>
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<ul>
<li><i>The Exorcism of Emily Rose</i> (2005)</li>
<li><i>The Haunting of Molly Hartley</i> (2008) – Presumably NOT in
Connecticut.</li>
<li><i>The Haunting in Connecticut</i> (2009) – It's the film of the film with almost the same name</li>
<li><i>The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia</i> (2013) – "These ghosts...are from Georgia!"</li>
<li><i>The Taking of Deborah Logan</i> (2014) – No one tries to
exorcise her, and she doesn’t have any secrets, but people take her to several
different places throughout the film, so why not?</li>
<li><i>A Haunting at the Rectory</i> (2015) – At the what?</li>
<li><i>The Exorcism of Molly Hartley</i> (2015) – Stay tuned for 2018’s
<i>The Taking of Molly Hartley</i>!</li>
<li><i>The Exorcism of Anna Ecklund</i> (2016) – We’re definitely
getting into random last name territory.</li>
<li><i>The Secrets of Emily Blair</i> (2016) – Which we’ll get to</li>
</ul>
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Don't you wonder why there was never a movie called simply “<i>The
Exorcism</i>”? According to imdb.com, there was going to be one in 2005, but it was
never completed. One might ask what could have gone wrong, but looking at the
above movies in this list, everything going wrong didn’t stop any of them from
getting made so, I wonder what went right?<o:p></o:p></div>
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We will never know. Instead, let us turn our attention to what goes wrong with Emily Blair. I'm pretty sure the titular secret is that while the devil may wear Prada, she prefers...Fredericks of Hollywood!</div>
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Emily Blair spends most of the movie in lingerie, which kind of makes sense, since demonic possession seems like a solid reason to stay in your pajamas. It is weird though that in Emily Blair's spirit world she's wearing lingerie that she apparently doesn't own, because she never wears it anywhere else in the movie:</div>
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I get it, the point is just to have Ellen Hollman (Emily Blair) in lingerie all the time. But, when she's not getting her ass kicked by Lord Zedd in the forest of her soul, she's making hideous wheezing sounds through her mossy devil teeth. And neither of those situations are improved by lingerie. It's like they decided how she would be dressed before they even wrote the movie. Like an elaborate prank. On us all, really.</div>
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My favorite moment in the film comes when Emily's hapless boyfriend catches her scribbling "Bye bye" in blood on the bathroom mirror:</div>
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And he's like "That's IT! I'm calling a doctor!"</div>
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And she's like "You're not calling anyone!"</div>
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Oh man, how would the devil stop you from calling someone? Fill your mouth with worms? Pin you and sew your lips shut? Or maybe...just cause your cell phone battery to quickly drain?</div>
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And you just know she's already got HER phone plugged into the charger! Dammit! You win again, Satan!</div>
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In another scene, she's sitting there being all demonic, and he's like, "I made you a sandwich."</div>
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And then she's like "Awwwww, let's not fight! I've been a total B. I'm sorry."</div>
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It's like there's a domestic satire writing "Help Me" from the inside of this movie's exposed stomach. But alas, there is no <i>The Helping of The Secrets of Emily Blair</i>.</div>
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<b>Questions for Paul:</b></div>
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<i><b>JD:</b> What would have been a better visual metaphor for Emily's struggle with the devil?</i><br />
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<b>PH: </b>Ok, this may be difficult to convey, but I'm thinking of a close up of a baby's face superimposed over a devil costume, like the freaky baby-sun in Teletubbies. He smiles when he's winning and cries when he's losing. And then there could be a whole range of looks to convey more complicated situations, like when the devil makes Emily have sex with her boyfriend. Is that a win for the devil? The devil-baby could make one of those more obscure, maybe it's just gas, faces to convey that it isn't clear who is winning.<br />
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<i><b>JD:</b> Do you think the hobo was also wearing lingerie in the forest of his soul?</i><br />
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<b>PH: </b>Your soul-forest costume is no one's business but your own. That said, I would probably wear a big rubber demon suit in mine, and when I met the devil I'd try to convince him that <i>I </i>was the real devil and we were in <i>his </i>soul forest.<br />
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<i><b>JD:</b> Do you feed demonic possession and starve a cold?</i><br />
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<b>PH: </b>I'd guess yes. Little known fact: that irritability you feel when you're hungry is actually a minor demon possession. You know this because the devil-baby in the sun would be cooing and drooling happily.<br />
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<i><b>JD:</b> Did she ever do anything cool?</i><br />
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<b>PH: </b>What about when she punched a gun through the cop's abdomen and then shot the cop in the head from the <i>inside</i>? That was something, at least. And then there's the time when her fingers get really long and stretchy under the door jamb. If she were thinking straight, she would have inflated her hand before she slapped her boyfriend in the face. If you can grow monstrous elastic slappy hands, then <i>use them</i>!</div>
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Joe Dodsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10301572026488306542noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-5047183531758332972017-04-26T09:02:00.000-07:002017-08-04T09:31:27.579-07:00THE SECRETS OF EMILY BLAIR (2016) [Paul's Review]<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Secrets of Emily
Blair </i>is the latest in the exciting new trend of exorcism movies with
suburban white girls’ names in the titles!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But it dares to go further than <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
Exorcism of Emily Rose </i>or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
Exorcism of Molly Hartley </i>or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
Curse of Molly Hartley </i>or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Molly
Hartley: Exorcist Cabaret!</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Cause in
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Secrets of Emily Blair, </i>both
first AND last names are badges of white privilege!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the Caucasian exorcism brinkmanship game,
it won’t be long until we see the likes of: “The Possession of Bree Madison’s
Pony” or “Untangling Ashley Kennedy Kaitlyn:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The Yoga Pose of Deviltry.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<a name='more'></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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The movie begins with a priest being interviewed by a cop in
one of those <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Silence-of-the-Lambs</i>
glass-lined cave-cells.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The priest says,
“I am responsible for all their deaths.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And then he clarifies, “No human is responsible for their
deaths.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now this is something
original. It's been awhile since I took logic, but I think the syllogism would go like this:<br />
<br />
1. The priest is responsible for all their deaths.<br />
2. No human is responsible for all their deaths.<br />
Therefore, 3. The priest is not human.<br />
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So: Alien Priest!<br />
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Then the film flashes back to white Catholic dude with
perfectly touseled hair William (Will Kemp) proposing to generic blonde protestant Emily
Blair (Ellen Hollman) with a big diamond ring in a park.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Emily sighs and holds up a flower as she inspects the ring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The flower is a wilting dandelion.</div>
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Then Emily gets infected/possessed while working as a
nurse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s trying to take blood from a
homeless guy, and he ends up kissing her and forcing a bunch of black CGI gunk/homeless breath down her throat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The guy dies, and
everyone is like, totally not your fault Emily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Stop beating yourself up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He just
DIED, ok?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And you’re pretty and have a
gorgeous ring, and he was like, poor and gross, so don’t sweat it!</div>
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But they don’t know that she’s been possessed or
something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I say “or something” because
while it is clear that she is possessed, there’s something else going on—some
strange kind of allegorical fantasy world battle that the film keeps cutting
between.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In real life, there Emily is,
bandaging some kid’s wrist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But in the
mystic fantasy world, Emily is in a sad-looking studio forest, battling a big
rubber-suited monster who punches her a lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I suppose this is meant to be her inner battle, literalized, but it
raises a lot of questions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is Emily <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">inside </i>Emily’s mind?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And why is the interior of her psychology
just a dismal bunch of shrubbery?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Out in the real world Emily starts acting totally psycho and
getting free passes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She cuts a boy’s
finger off while bandaging his wrist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Doctor
Love (so he calls himself) comes in and says, “the boy moved and you
accidentally cut his finger off.” Emily replies, “But he didn’t move.” And the
doctor says persuasively, “He did if you want to continue to work here.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And she’s like: “Aww, thanks!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There you have it folks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A perfect 5/5 on the privilege meter with
bonus points for a complete abrogation of ethics or responsibility.<br />
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William’s controlling and invasive mother, played by
Sherilyn Fenn, arrives and is the in-law from hell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, the whole first half of the movie is
kind of awful for Emily Blair (or Emily Blair’s demon), who discovers that she
has agreed to marry a man who allows his mom to control his life and who says
nothing when the mom foists a wedding dress on her or keeps warning her that
“the clock is ticking.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And he’s
Catholic!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which means that now our waspy
heroine must convert to Catholicism, go to Catholic wedding classes, and wear
her mother-in-law’s wedding dress, all while hosting an evil demon who couldn’t
have foreseen any of it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s a
moment when I wasn’t sure that I wasn’t supposed to feel sorry for the two of
them. </div>
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Emily goes to a marriage class with the Alien Priest, tells
him to “stop raping me with your eyes” and pukes on his desk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When she gets home, she puts on a leather
corset affair, seduces William, and then punches him in the face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh yes. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a lot of punching in this movie:</div>
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1. Emily punches William in the face while he's trying to have sex with her.</div>
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2. Janitor Priest (I haven’t introduced
him yet, but he’s a thing) punches Alien Priest twice in the face during a conversation.</div>
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3. Alien Priest punches Janitor Priest in the face without interrupting the conversation by any reference to the fact that they are punching each other.</div>
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4. Emily punches Alien Priest in the face.<br />
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5. Emily no-look punches William in the chest.<br />
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6. William punches Janitor Priest with a backhand.<br />
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7. William punches Emily several times while she's tied up on the bed. It's a right-left-right combination that's reminiscent of Ralphie's technique on Farkus.<br />
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8. Emily punches a cop in the stomach with a gun. The punch goes through the cop's torso, carrying the gun up to the cop's neck so that Emily can then shoot the cop in the head from inside her own body.<br />
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9. The Demon punches Mystic Woodland Emily several times. </div>
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10. Mystic Woodland Emily punches the Demon.<br />
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Those are just the punches I can remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are probably more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s like the director thought the script
needed some “punching up” and so the writer put some more punches in there.</div>
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Other things that happen in this movie:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>possessed Emily takes a pregnancy test, and
it turns out . . . negative!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a
really important scene that one could overlook, seeing as no one mentions it
for the rest of the movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It lets us know that Emily isn’t pregnant!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is one of Emily Blair’s secrets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one thinks she’s pregnant, but only <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">she </i>knows she isn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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There’s also a scene where possessed Emily takes out two
armed cops like she’s Predator (this isn’t a specious reference, there’s a lot
of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Predator</i> in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Secrets of Emily Blair: </i>“Do it! Do it now!” is a direct quote),
but then is captured by William with the same “wrap-a-blanket around it” tactic
that my vet uses on my cat. To be fair, my cat is definitely possessed by the unholiest of demons.</div>
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And then there’s the time when possessed and homicidal Emily
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">breaks out of her bedroom</i> and is at
large!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>William and his exorcist gang of
the janitor and the alien, instead of springing into action by going to look
for her, bizarrely decide to mope around in the living room apparently <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">waiting for her to come back</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, although I was puzzled by this sudden
malaise on their part, they clearly knew something I didn’t because <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">come back she does</i>!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And even <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">she’s</i>
puzzled: her first line when they open the door for her is: “Why am I
outside?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why indeed!</div>
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William, going full Predator-reference, has a long “Kill
me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kill Me!” monologue, except that, unlike
Arnold, he doesn’t set any clever traps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So he’s just plainly inviting the demon to kill him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His reason?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He says enough people have died and he just wants it all to end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But William, we implore from this side of the
mystic fantasyland of fuzzy logic, if it kills you, per your demand, that
doesn’t end the killing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact it
materially increases it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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But the demon can’t kill William, apparently because Emily
Blair is still alive somewhere “in” there (why is her inside a dead forest?)
and won’t let it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But where was she when
the demon killed her mother-in-law?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s
a thorny little issue that will probably come up in marriage counseling down
the line.</div>
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The actual exorcism scene is an orgy of
silliness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently Alien Priest
hasn’t got enough exorcism juice to take care of it, so William has to yell
sweet little compliments to the demon <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">at
the same time </i>as the Alien Priest yells his exorcism spells.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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William shouts at Emily all the things he
loves about her, which comes across like the most saccharine we-wrote-our-own
wedding vows ever: “I love how you are with kids” he says, “I love how sunlight
makes you sneeze.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How IS she with kids,
we think—the only time we saw a kid with her, she cut the little tyke’s digit
off and then evaded the consequences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“I love how the full moon makes you cry,” he says at one point, and . .
. hold up for a second, the full moon makes you cry?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sun makes you sneeze?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What happens to Emily on a partly cloudy day? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does an eclipse give her hemorrhoids?</div>
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Meanwhile, in the forlorn patch of psychic turf in which
Emily is battling the demon monster, we see her stand up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She takes a heavy right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She shakes it off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The demon throws a wicked left hook to her
jaw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She shakes it off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The story of her exorcism is told in a series
of punches, which is as it should be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And then she shoves the demon right out of her soul, or body, or hell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This moment corresponds, in real life, with
William baby birding her with holy water (get it? it’s secular romantic love
AND Catholic iconography joining forces in one gross final maneuver!).<br />
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In the final scene, we discover that the Alien Priest has
been recounting this whole story from his cell (presumably also the sexy bits, which I suspect would have been uncomfortable for everyone involved).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the detective asks the Alien,
if your story is true, then why are you taking the fall for Emily Blair, pretty
blonde white girl? </div>
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Because everyone does!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Everyone bends over backwards to white knight this girl and overlook the
obvious signs that, demon possession or no, she’s got some issues: her physical
health depends on the weather, her soul is an empty blasted heath, and she
killed her mother-in-law by omission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But the priest is willing to go to prison for this ethically-compromised
nurse who lies to avoid malpractice suits, because, presumably, her name is
Emily Blair and her blessed blonde dead-souled life is more important than his merely
alien one.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Questions for Joe:</b></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Throughout the film, the possessed Emily says
“bye bye, bye bye.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is she saying “bye”
to?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b>JD:</b> The first time that comes up, it's from the mouth of the possessed hobo who then vomits the devil into her. He, by the way, is played by Larry "Dr. Giggles" Drake. The implication is that she's going to go away and the demon is going to take her place.</span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And given that the demon is going to do that in the mode of the WWE by physically kicking her ass in the forest, I can only assume that the Bye-Bye is his signature move. Unfortunately, we never get to see it because Emily unleashes her powerful push to the chest technique which completely overcomes an entire two hour of faces punches. But whatever, it's still real to me, dammit. </span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Anyway, I think the demon's Bye Bye move could have been a sleeper hold, and Emily's arm could have been lifted only to fall twice, but on the third time right as her boyfriend said "I love it when you wake up!" her arm would stay up! Her arm would stay up! And then she'd start hyperventilating and the demon would look around in bewilderment at the audience as she rose to her feet. And she'd start skipping around the ring and clapping her hands and shaking her head while still in the hold and then ELBOW STRIKE, ELBOW STRIKE, and then she'd run back of the ropes and BRING THE CLOTHESLINE, and then she'd slap the BYE BYE on the demon! And she'd win the Intercontinental Championship Belt at Wrestlemania XIII, brother! </span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Huff, huff, huff. Which all leads me to say that if the demon's refrain for the whole movie had been "OOOOH YEEEAH" I think it would have been a better movie.</span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A shared term of endearment for Emily and
William is the phrase: “You’re my person.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Do we all have a person?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is that
what love is, finding your person?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And,
once you have a person, do you keep it ON your person?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b>JD:</b> You know what would have been better? If they baby-birded all the time and that was their thing. And everyone was always like "Oh fuck, she just ate that lasagna out of his MOUTH". And then when it saved them it would totally recast all the previous scenes. You could even have a scene like the pottery scene in Ghost but with a big chocolate ice cream cone. And probably a lot of paper towels.</span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What seems more incongruous, that the
professional exorcist is a school janitor or that his name is Henry?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b>JD:</b> Dude, that was Adrian Paul of Highlander fame. I mean, OTHER Highlander fame, Highlander TV show. There can be only one (per video medium). And the alien priest was Colm Meaney who played O'Brien in Star Trek TNG! It was O'Brien versus Duncan MacLeod in an exorcist movie. Nothing is congruous about that. The congruity test is negative.</span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">4. Why do possessed
people have such noisy joints?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b>JD:</b> I couldn't stop thinking about how bad her breath must have been. I'm surprised there's never been a forced tooth brushing scene in any of these movies. </span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How excited does Sherilyn Fenn’s performance
make you for the return of Twin Peaks this year?</i><br />
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b>JD:</b> I'm super fucking excited for Twin Peaks, Paul. I love that show and everything about it. I hope it has aged better than Sherilyn Fenn.</span><br />
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b>Check out <a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/06/the-secrets-of-emily-blair-2016-joes.html">Joe's Review of the Secrets of Emily Blair</a>!</b> </span></div>
Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-81582276261260275672017-03-30T09:51:00.001-07:002018-08-25T09:40:07.368-07:00BLEED (2016) [Joe's Review]In <i>Bleed</i>, a gang of friends investigates the mystery of a cannibal cult leader...to death!<br />
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This whole review is going to be a spoiler. Every part after this point will be a discussion of the film's pivotal plot twist, which is that the evil cannibal really isn't all that bad and has in fact been good the whole time! See?! You were warned.<br />
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But before I get to that, I want to briefly discuss the types of characters in this movie. You've got:<br />
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Final girl - this time she's pregnant!<br />
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Non-White Best Friend - She's schizophrenic but doesn't tell anyone until they're already exploring the haunted prison!<br />
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Jerk Husband - He doesn't take the threat, or his wife, seriously.<br />
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Black Guy - Jerk Husband leads off their conversation with "So you played football, right?"<br />
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Bohemian Brother - Wears at least seventeen bracelets which is totally normal everywhere. In Hollywood.<br />
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Brother's Free Spirit Girl Friend - Isn't super chaste? DISMEMBERMENT!<br />
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Not a real interesting cast of characters! Pretty standard stuff for a scary movie. And yet it's so easy to mix and match the tropes in ways that breathe a little life into them.<br />
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Ethnic Final Girl - Has this ever happened in an American movie?<br />
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Bohemian husband - this would make his death sadder, at least.<br />
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Jerk Black Final Husband - Is there any higher level of horror movie survivor difficulty?<br />
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Brother's Bohemian Asian Boyfriend - Fuck, why not?<br />
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It's so easy to turn tropes on their heads and wind up with something better. But instead, it's all about the plot twists. So let's take that on.<br />
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The plot twist is that the psycho killer isn't really a bad guy! He's been good all along. He was a scary ghost, but look how sad he looks when the final girl realizes he's been protecting her from the redneck cultist police:<br />
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Super sad! Such feels! He was good all along. All along. Wait, why did we think he was bad again?<br />
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Oh right, he looked pretty scary.<br />
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Then he vomited blood into the bohemian girl's bath tub.<br />
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But that wasn't as bad as when he possessed her boyfriend and raped her into slitting his (but really the boyfriend's) throat with a rusty piece of iron. What a prankster.<br />
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And then bit the black guy's throat out.<br />
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Pretty bad! Gonna need to do a lot of good to counterbalance a rape, a murder by biting, and a ruined bath. Well, how about the fact that he...has a butterfly!<br />
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Well, shoot. I'd say that takes care of the bath at least!<br />
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And that pretty much takes care of what I have to say about <i>Bleed</i>.<br />
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Pop quiz, professor!<br />
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<i>1) How awesome was the whistling head shot on the bohemian brother? Was that play of the game?</i><br />
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<b>PH: </b>What made that particular shot so fantastic is that, if I remember right, it was fired by a random character--like a dude with no speaking role at all. He just rolled into the movie and high nooned a protagonist from fifty feet and at a full sprint.<br />
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<i>2) What the hell was the jerk husband doing all that time?</i><br />
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<b>PH: </b>He was probably busy disrespecting things even more deserving of his sympathy than his pregnant, terrified, wife. Like puppies. Or butterflies.<br />
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<i>3) What was the purpose of the Cain files?</i><br />
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<b>PH: </b>What? That manila folder? I thought that was just something they were carrying around to swat butterflies with.<br />
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<i>4) How many police</i> <i>officers does that small town have?</i><br />
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<b>PH: </b>Gads. But given that the rest of the town seems to be composed of angry medieval peasantry, a robust enforcement presence is probably wise. <br />
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<b>For my answers to Paul's questions, check out <a href="https://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/03/bleed-2016-pauls-review.html">his review of </a><i><a href="https://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/03/bleed-2016-pauls-review.html">Bleed</a>.</i></b></div>
Joe Dodsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10301572026488306542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-53781555163863993482017-03-06T22:03:00.001-08:002018-08-25T09:40:59.105-07:00BLEED (2016) [Paul's Review]<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cs0SpQdSIKY/WLyt7ixJzcI/AAAAAAAABX4/Ef-ZMKrWOf0IeCurXdQoKNR_zCIVPYQxACLcB/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.24.24.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="328" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cs0SpQdSIKY/WLyt7ixJzcI/AAAAAAAABX4/Ef-ZMKrWOf0IeCurXdQoKNR_zCIVPYQxACLcB/s640/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.24.24.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Bleed </i>splits
neatly into two categories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On one side
is STUFF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And on the
other is THE PLOT.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Bleed </i>excels in keeping each from having anything to do with the
other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
STUFF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND includes:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(1) Passive Aggressive Relationships</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(2) Peer Pressure</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(3) Untimely Horniness </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
THE PLOT includes . . .</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
. . . Hmmm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is
really difficult to put into a list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s really apples and oranges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Or apples and BLOOD oranges, amirite?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Ok, here goes, but this ain’t going to be close:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(1)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A Cult</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(2)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A Morally
Conflicted Killer Ghost/Fireball/DNA Experiment </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(3)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A woman standing
in a field, screaming</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(4)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>????</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(5)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Profit!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Look, let’s come back to the plot later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because to try to understand it would require
a liberal loosening of our regard for consistency and logic, and once that
genie is out of the bottle, it might turn into a vindictive fireball and attack
us right as we are trying to deliver the goddamn (adjective, not expletive)
baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look, like I said, let’s come back
to the plot later. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I found the STUFF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND kind of endearing in a
generic sort of way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A young yuppie couple (is that still a term?) moves into a
house in the sticks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The wife, Sarah, (Chelsey Crisp, best known for playing the neighbor in <i>Fresh Off The Boat</i>) is
profoundly pregnant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The husband/doctor, Matt (Michael Steiger) is a walking Banana Republic outfit
with trendy glasses. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They are joined by the wife’s friend, Bree, who is
schizophrenic but has been responsibly taking her meds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With her is Bree’s boyfriend who used to
play football but then had a back injury and now he doesn’t drink beer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And Sarah’s brother shows up unannounced
with his girlfriend, Skye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Skye is a
vegetarian.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are new-age hippies who
are trying to record spirits on a special radioshack device.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that’s skating a little close to the
plot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> The point is, you've got a bunch of nice looking 30 somethings with enough quirks to pass for character. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Sarah and Matt do not have a fully happy marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The husband catches the wife writing a check to her drifter brother and disapproves
by silently muttering snide things at the floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The wife gives a whole barrel of sideeye when she stumbles onto him hanging
out with a partially nude Skye.<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZyeEazJ2U40/WLyuLnAfi_I/AAAAAAAABX8/0vwYzteHnTQRAEResdLOG8sbrzZ3IUddwCLcB/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.11.54.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZyeEazJ2U40/WLyuLnAfi_I/AAAAAAAABX8/0vwYzteHnTQRAEResdLOG8sbrzZ3IUddwCLcB/s400/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.11.54.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Though the whole ordeal was supposed to be a fun group weekend, the wife finds herself driving
back to her house alone after dropping everyone off at the haunted, burned-down
prison.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her eyes well up with
tears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She didn’t want it that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wanted to be cool, and now she's all alone. She has passive aggressed herself into
spite-driving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then a ghost appears in the passenger seat, says “boo”
or something like, and she flips her truck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Having flipped the truck, she gets out and wanders her profoundly
pregnant self, not down the road, but into the woods.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But all of this belongs on the PLOT side of
things, with which reason and understanding have nothing to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we’ll get back to that!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-E8SRWjq7Wn0/WLyunUr0vEI/AAAAAAAABYA/oMvYjKbs4MgVKRA9iDStgToIQ7QgI6fqQCLcB/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.21.56.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-E8SRWjq7Wn0/WLyunUr0vEI/AAAAAAAABYA/oMvYjKbs4MgVKRA9iDStgToIQ7QgI6fqQCLcB/s400/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.21.56.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So how did it come to this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Well, the answer is another thing I can understand: peer pressure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The brother wants to go to the burned-down
prison.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bree doesn’t want to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The husband doesn’t want to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They pow-wow over the whole thing around the
picnic table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the peer pressure is
laid on thick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Someone says: “It’s cool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s no big deal.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am sure that
this direct quote comes out of my D.A.R.E. handbook.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having forgotten their resistance education,
they all head out to the burned down prison.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s no big deal.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the prison, creepy shit starts going down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Skye starts freaking out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She really wants to leave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s turned into a BIG DEAL for her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I gotta give it to the actress, Lyndon Smith, who acts her belly button ring off in this scene; she’s actually
pulling it off (the scene, not the ring--the ring stays on even despite a weird moment when you think the boyfriend might pull it off (the ring, not the scene) when gripped by passion) until she’s tasked with having to act the impossible.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What’s the impossible here, you ask?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Director:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your
boyfriend has dragged you down into the basement of a burned-out prison in the
middle of nowhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are frightened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You hear a loud noise and a gust of wind
nearly knocks the two of you over while your reading the cryptic cult book you’ve
found that is written in blood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are
terrified.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You want to leave NOW.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9QQjQTwt6ZU/WLyu3LBVi4I/AAAAAAAABYI/9NF5VGsM6tIN775yfmtFm-Ez_P2ZqcAZwCLcB/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.26.25.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9QQjQTwt6ZU/WLyu3LBVi4I/AAAAAAAABYI/9NF5VGsM6tIN775yfmtFm-Ez_P2ZqcAZwCLcB/s400/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.26.25.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Actress:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OK, so why
don’t I leave?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I worried about my boyfriend?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I scared to go alone?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Director:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, sort
of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The thing is, being terrified has
made you unaccountably HORNY.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And you
want to jump your boyfriend right there, right now!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MShKGLxvQXY/WLyu3cTMgKI/AAAAAAAABYM/qI5IsVbO19osb9eDYFcNd0r78Yt8OdfcgCLcB/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.27.20.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="221" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MShKGLxvQXY/WLyu3cTMgKI/AAAAAAAABYM/qI5IsVbO19osb9eDYFcNd0r78Yt8OdfcgCLcB/s400/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.27.20.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Actress:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
terrified and horny?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do those two go
together?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How am I supposed to act that?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Director:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>I don't know, just think of England?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok, so much for the STUFF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you want to foray down the path of the
PLOT?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> It's so scary it will make you horny.</span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s a backwoods cult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They have a thing for women with moon-shaped birthmarks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one knows why.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The wife has a moon-shaped birthmark.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently they want her and her baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one knows why.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But there’s also the ghost of a girl from 1979 who had the
same birthmark.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s got a red fro thing going on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently the cult captured her,
but then the main baddie, a guy they call the preacher, let her go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The preacher ends up in jail and is burned to
death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s also some kind of DNA
experiment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now HE’S a ghost as
well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And he’s sort of a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">good </i>ghost in that he’s trying to
protect the moon-shaped birthmark woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Except that he’s also sort of a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bad
</i>ghost in that he’s killing all of her friends. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it isn’t clear that red fro is a good ghost either,
since she caused the pregnant protagonist to drive off the road.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really, the ghosts in this movie are frustratingly inconsistent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so the cult is out after the moon-shaped birthmark
woman, and someone, either the cult or one of the bipolar ghosts, is
dismembering her friends and mounting them in rooms around the burned out
prison.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s a bunch of skulls on a floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aV71esark6k/WLyxtmVu4eI/AAAAAAAABYc/YRI8jEBHjBg4NT6zR4nSJHbkPhol7DtUwCLcB/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.42.13.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aV71esark6k/WLyxtmVu4eI/AAAAAAAABYc/YRI8jEBHjBg4NT6zR4nSJHbkPhol7DtUwCLcB/s400/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.42.13.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s Frisbee.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DopTJHemmao/WLyvVj2AAdI/AAAAAAAABYQ/asHF-Q7vJuwardhkB4NDRl4jZBZj9yZUQCLcB/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.19.53.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="227" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DopTJHemmao/WLyvVj2AAdI/AAAAAAAABYQ/asHF-Q7vJuwardhkB4NDRl4jZBZj9yZUQCLcB/s400/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.19.53.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s an extra that wandered into the shoot from a post-apocalyptic movie,
carrying a lantern, standing in the middle of a field, screaming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_gSyj4Sny6I/WLyxGKvPUjI/AAAAAAAABYY/T5hQkwsE3tAXU4qO9ZiFOKtxiXYEstAfQCLcB/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.39.07.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_gSyj4Sny6I/WLyxGKvPUjI/AAAAAAAABYY/T5hQkwsE3tAXU4qO9ZiFOKtxiXYEstAfQCLcB/s400/Screenshot%2B2017-03-05%2B17.39.07.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The cult keeps referring to the woman as the vessel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are trying to get the vessel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This, in particular, left me scratching my noggin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wrote down in the completely useless notes
I was taking: “Why are they shooting at the vessel?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And what vessel for what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And why was that other thing, oh, nevermind.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t remember what I was referring to, but it isn’t
important, because this is what you need to know:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>despite its inanity, I found myself kind of
liking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Bleed </i><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">despite my humanity</span>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Words fail me as to why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it’s because it’s set up as another jump-scare-filled
character-driven haunted house story, but then it takes a HARD LEFT into batshit
country.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It switches things up so quick,
and so often, that you never quite feel sure of yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is this ghost trying to save me, or kill me,
or both?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you really scared or just
thirsty AF?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you a ghost or a
fireball, and are you a fireball because of the DNA experiment or because you
died in a fire or because “fireball” was an animation that came with your CGI
software bundle?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What are the goddamn (expletive, not
adjective) rules here?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the end, like a passive aggressive relationship, there
are no rules or coherent accountability. [<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Bleed
</i>replies:<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> Go ahead, have fun at my
expense, I’m just glad I can be “incoherent” enough for you to laugh at.]</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
QUESTIONS FOR JOE:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Skye stabs her boyfriend in the neck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few minutes later, he’s totally cool with
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is he just so used to passive
aggressive behavior that he like doesn’t even register actual aggressive
behavior?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">JD: Dude, passive aggressive chicks are the worst. If a girl is direct with you, like a bro you can bang, you'll put up with almost anything. Especially if she stabs you on the right side of the neck. That's the chill side to get stabbed on.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the backwoods cultists asks “Your body
speaking at you?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is the most
passive aggressive thing your body has ever spoke at you?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
JD: "Oh you don't want to work out? That's fine. Hey, look at this huge belly I found. Guess I'll put this on. Forever."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it a bad sign for the pregnancy if you’re
coughing up dirt?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or is eating dirt the
secret to having an organic baby?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">JD: If it doesn't have ibuprofen or caffeine in it, then babycenter.com says it's fine. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How the hell did the fireball demon ghost NOT
win?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">JD: I think it's because his parents didn't immediately respond when he was crying as an infant. Or his mom ate caffeinated dirt. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b>For my answers to Joe's questions, check out <a href="https://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/03/bleed-2016-joes-post.html">his review of <i>Bleed</i></a>.</b> </span></div>
Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-21510018264214784392017-02-28T19:42:00.001-08:002017-03-15T07:32:17.696-07:00THE REZORT (2015) [Joe's Review]<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wlfj2wS9ZBk/WLTWzzrnIZI/AAAAAAAACsc/UZJYQa0oLooIcK589kORf0m7n4opSr3NgCLcB/s1600/r1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wlfj2wS9ZBk/WLTWzzrnIZI/AAAAAAAACsc/UZJYQa0oLooIcK589kORf0m7n4opSr3NgCLcB/s640/r1.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
In Rezort, humanity has gotten the zombie epidemic under
control, OR HAS IT?!<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>The thing that annoys me the most about <i>The Rezort</i> is how
surprised everyone acts when the zombie amusement park (full of real un-live
zombies!) goes <i>Jurassic Park</i> and all the zombies run amok. It’s not that the zombies get loose, it’s the fact that
all the survivors are shocked and bewildered. Didn’t they JUST survive the
zombie apocalypse? If there’s one situation everyone on earth should be super
familiar with, shouldn’t this be it?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The answer is no. Yet again, an ever dwindling cast of survivors tries to get
from point A to point B while zombies jump out of nowhere
and pick them off. It’s just like every other Zom-pocalypse (pro-tip:
if you ever need to spell Zom-pocalypse, just spell apocalypse first, then
delete the ‘a’ then add ‘Zom-‘ onto the front. If you don’t, you’ll wind up in a spelling house of horrors where any letter could be a ‘y’ to your
bewildered imagination).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You see what I did right there? I learned from a challenge. I wish <i>The Rezort</i> would do the same. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If only it had an imagination. Can you imagine how
much better <i>Pirates of the Caribbean</i> would be with zombies? Or <i>Small World</i>? <o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Instead, the resort features a zombie shooting range where
zombies are strapped to boards and swung helplessly in front of windows. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YRsou7iD6XY/WLTX6eZ_EOI/AAAAAAAACso/wmgLuP_LeS4B2DmhAH2acczQdEGJW2OKQCLcB/s1600/r2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="167" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YRsou7iD6XY/WLTX6eZ_EOI/AAAAAAAACso/wmgLuP_LeS4B2DmhAH2acczQdEGJW2OKQCLcB/s400/r2.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And there’s also a huge canyon full of zombies into which
the survivors shoot high powered rifles.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2IrCg_-8G_I/WLTYNlm6mII/AAAAAAAACss/dQkrxfRKSyUgqfK49p1KvqCuqFPXpdA1wCLcB/s1600/r3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="163" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2IrCg_-8G_I/WLTYNlm6mII/AAAAAAAACss/dQkrxfRKSyUgqfK49p1KvqCuqFPXpdA1wCLcB/s400/r3.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How about a dinner theater zombie
rendition of Hamlet where the dialog is all groans and gurgles yet somehow
everyone can still follow the plot?<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What if you put a zombie in a Mickey Mouse costume and let
it stagger around giving hugs? <o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Such potential.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are a couple things that actually happen in <i>The Rezort</i> the
movie that are worth covering. The first is the story arc of the blond
woman who inadvertently unleashes the zombies and kills everyone. She’s trying
to steal data from the Rezort for her activist friends, but they put a virus in her USB stick that lets all the ghouls loose.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s blood on her hands!<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Which is helpfully illustrated in these scenes where she gets blood on her hands:<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-58yP3ChthWA/WLTYtPAQWeI/AAAAAAAACsw/fistcUu0dFkIQhMdTvKUY7S7Aoc2h0nJQCLcB/s1600/r4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="182" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-58yP3ChthWA/WLTYtPAQWeI/AAAAAAAACsw/fistcUu0dFkIQhMdTvKUY7S7Aoc2h0nJQCLcB/s400/r4.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And there she is in front of a bloody hand-print:<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
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<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then she gets bitten on the hand! It looks like DUH DUH
DUHHHHH the blood on her hands is her own!<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-D9iUnWea57w/WLTZRBMQV1I/AAAAAAAACs8/IZbOBmi8TMwuKxulkB3u4GEZjgs3TrinwCLcB/s1600/r6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="195" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-D9iUnWea57w/WLTZRBMQV1I/AAAAAAAACs8/IZbOBmi8TMwuKxulkB3u4GEZjgs3TrinwCLcB/s400/r6.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This doesn’t mean anything. I’m not even sure it’s an
intentional visual motif aside from the first case. But when a movie doesn’t entertain you, sometimes you have
to entertain yourself!<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even though <i>The Rezort</i> is ostensibly about surviving a zombie
attack, the emotional core of the movie resides in the final girl. Traumatized
by the loss of the Zom-pocalypse, her boyfriend takes her to the Rezort for
some exposure therapy.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her arc can be summed up in these steps:<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A moody, panoramic phase:<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The “Stand next to the tough guy” phase:<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then the “Running” phase, where she defeats the
island-based zombie attack by running and jumping into the water.<br />
<br />
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</div>
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Oh yeah. Zombies on an island. Guess you could just…run and
jump into the water. Probably from any point really, it being an
island.</div>
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Let’s look at that map again? They went all that way and the answer was just to jump in the water?<br />
<br />
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<br />
They followed the black arrows. But, couldn't they have just gone the other way and jumped straight into the water?<br />
<br />
\Speaking of questions! So Paul...<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>1) What do you think would be a good zombie theme-park attraction?</i><br />
<br />
<b>PH: </b>The zombie zen garden! You tie rakes to their backs and they make meditative and contemplative designs in the sand. It's a place to reflect on what we've come to and our existential purpose. It's also a place to taunt zombies into drawing crude obscenities.<br />
<br />
<i>2) Should the final girl have developed more as a runner over the course of the movie?</i><br />
<br />
<b>PH: </b>Why? Does she run funny? I didn't notice. Is that because <i>I </i>run funny? Oh no! It's right-left-right, right? How hard are you supposed to pump your arms? A LOT, right? Or is it not at all? Ugh! I hate this class! Oh wait. I'm an adult, so I don't have to run unless I want to continue to live. <br />
<br />
<i>3) If the saliva is the zombie-fier, shouldn't they have defanged their zombies? Would that be inhumane?</i><br />
<br />
<b>PH: </b>I'm pretty sure zombie oral hygiene ain't the tops. Those teeth will come out on their own. Though "zombie flossing" would be an awesome one-act play.<i><br /></i><br />
<br />
<i>4) What other monsters would be fun to build a theme park around?</i><br />
<br />
<b>PH: </b>Too many choices in this category! But if I had to choose, just off the top of the old noggin, I'd go with Lovecraftian Eldrich Horrors, because Cthulu funnel cake.<br />
<br />
But I'll tell you what monsters <i>wouldn't </i>be fun. Werewolves. Because for 30 days out of the month, it would just be like a regular theme park. Or Medusas. Because you'd be waiting in line FOREVER.</div>
Joe Dodsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10301572026488306542noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-18452944908466331072017-02-22T09:59:00.000-08:002017-02-24T10:34:44.813-08:00THE REZORT (2015) [Paul's Review]<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Hey, look at this, our first zombie movie!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*presses play*<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hey, look at this, our first expository news
sequence!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<a name='more'></a>And you’ve got to have the informational session right up front with these zombie apocalypse movies, because there are so many zombie varietals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are these virus-infected zombies or supernatural
undead ones?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are bites fatal?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is zombie blood contagious? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can they run?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>etc. etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Rezort</i>, we are told promptly that the zombies
for this particular exercise are virus types that can turn you with a bite, but
not with their blood, because the virus lives in zombie saliva (!). Also these zombies can run, but when they get old, they regress to the
more respectable and august shamble.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is a nice wrinkle, because as the movie goes along, you’ll see a
fast zombie and you think, aww, he’s just a cute young’n zombie, he hasn’t had
his hopes and dreams beaten down by an uncaring world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look at him go!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s like he thinks he can make a difference!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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But at the beginning of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
Rezort, </i>all you’ve got are slow zombies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is because it has been years since the Great Zombie War.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only zombies still around are housed in
the Rezort, an exclusive club that’s like one-half Sandals and one-half urban
combat simulation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a hefty price,
jet-setting elites can come to pump bullets into the hordes of zombies that are,
for no explained reason, still on the island.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s a really smart business plan that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everybody </i>is talking about, and the tough-as-nails director of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Rezort </i>is the new hot commodity for
having such vision.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But how is this
plan sustainable given that there are only a finite number of zombies on the
island?” asks no one during the first half of the movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, and by the way, there’s a refugee camp
next door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just had to get that out
there in case it becomes important later on in the movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Expository sequence over, we are introduced to our ragtag
group of resort guests.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the center is
Melanie (Jessica De Gouw), who is only on the trip at the recommendation of her
doctor as a treatment for her PTSD from the war.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s reluctant, but she’s trying to save her
relationship with her partner Lewis (Martin McCann), so they both go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Then there’s two teenage videogame dorks who
won their trip through a contest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There’s a grizzled man with a secret.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And a young blonde woman with purple highlights who is reluctant to shoot zombies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The final member of the group is the Asian
guide in red-camouflage cargo shorts.</div>
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One of these is a saboteur.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Can you guess who it is?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, it’s
not a secret.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the purple highlights
woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We know because we see her
walking into the “high-security” area and then typing in a password that she
keeps, high-tech espionage style, written on the palm of her hand.</div>
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Unaware, the whole group goes out on their safari-like
trip but then runs into trouble when the resort’s security system goes down and
zombies get out everywhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our
reluctant saboteur looks pretty guilty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But she didn’t mean to hack the security system, she thought she was
just gathering data for anti-zombie-resort activists.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was double-crossed !<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And now the whole group has to make it to the
extraction point in two hours before the whole island is blown up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You would think that they would be in a
hurry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You would be as wrong as red camo
cargo shorts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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From here on out, the movie is a loose series of chase and
hide sequences during which the members of the group die one-by-one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keeping the stereotype alive, the two
non-white characters die first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But as
the group starts to get both smaller and whiter, some interesting group
dynamics start to happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Melanie starts
to drift away from Lewis, who seems less appealing to her after he shoots the
Asian guy in the head and yells “euthan<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">asian</i>ed!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> No</span>, he doesn't actually say that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Instead he pleads something </span>to the effect of
“But he was infected!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the damage is done. Melanie senses something off with Lewis, the faintest whiff of a plot twist in
the balmy resort air.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Plus, there’s the
hunky grizzled guy who is just as capable with the firearms as Lewis, but seems
on the whole less enthusiastic about thinning out the ethnic minorities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </div>
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I’m SO not being fair to Lewis, but was
Melanie?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WAS SHE?</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Xo2cIKg8GVY/WKjXqdR2paI/AAAAAAAABWg/qHNthsiC9hcNYIsORTgUL6DkMU8LYOM2QCLcB/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-02-18%2B16.22.29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Xo2cIKg8GVY/WKjXqdR2paI/AAAAAAAABWg/qHNthsiC9hcNYIsORTgUL6DkMU8LYOM2QCLcB/s400/Screenshot%2B2017-02-18%2B16.22.29.png" width="342" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">But I was so camouflaged!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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The remaining members of the group make it to the
underground passage, where they discover that the resort has been getting their
zombies from the refugee camp, killing them, and then <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">aging </i>the zombies in an underground, artisanal zombie cellar!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lewis finally flips out and abandons Melanie
and the grizzled guy, but then gets bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Irony reigns as Melanie is put into Lewis’s previous position regarding that
whole killing your infected friend business.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Is she now going to shoot him when she has had him in the doghouse this
whole time for doing the same thing?</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Nope!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Melanie shows
him how it’s done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She gives <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">him </i>the gun so he has to kill
himself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not sure if this is
supposed to be more ethical than what he did, or whether it’s supposed to be
more cruel (like, how dare you abandon us, now you have to do this yourself, I’m
done picking up after you, washing your dirty drawers, shooting you in your
zombie infected head, etc. etc.).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
the most passive aggressive break-up scene ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s a gun, honey, I'm sure even you can figure
out how to kill yourself with it.</div>
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At the end, Melanie has to run through a giant crowd of
zombies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they take really poor
pursuit angles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I were a zombie football
coach, I’d really get on them about this.</div>
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Melanie escapes by jumping off a cliff into the ocean,
exposes the resort’s genocidal corruption (though one sort of wonders about the
value of this exposure given that the whole island has been firebombed), and
then leaves us with the message: “I know what's going to happen next. I think we all do.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I found this strange because I really didn’t know what was going to
happen next, though apparently it is the second zombie war, the zombies having
swum off the island, I think.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But how
did we all know it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why wasn’t it in the expository opening
sequence?</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Rezort </i>is not
great, but there’s a good movie in there somewhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The acting ain’t all bad, and there are a few
stellar one-liners, like “every apocalypse deserves an after party!” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">every
institution is corrupt</i> ending has a unique anti-moral: the resort is
corrupt, but so is the refugee aid society AND the anti-resort activists.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ANARCHY IN THE U.K.!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, did I mention that the film was
British?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the accents and the anarchic
outlook didn’t tip you off, the loving and lingering romance the film carries
on with all things firearm might have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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In the end, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Rezort
</i>is like a zombie that hasn’t been properly aged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Its action is hectic and satisfying, but lacks
that superannuated zombie gravitas, you know?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Also, even though there’s enough money for matching red camo shorts and
a matching set of company jeeps, it
just isn’t enough to take it all the way to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jurassic
Park </i>(which is its spiritual father, or step-father, or unconcerned sperm
donor).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can see the seams,
especially during the long trek, as the movie devolves into the characters
fighting their way across a series of unconnected sets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jungle set.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Dungeon set.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Refugee camp
set.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Control room set.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Waiting room set.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cliff set.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>All completely different, and all separated merely by closed doors.</div>
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Now, where’s the door to get me out of this review?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, hey, it’s right here!</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Questions for Joe:</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do you think zombie researchers would find
most fascinating about these zombies?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
guess is that there would be a lot of papers in leading science journals
published on the hiding and jumping-out-at-you behavior.</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">JD: I've always held that zombies are better doors than windows, but that theory was completely debunked!</span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></span>
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Spoiler alert: That zombie door is BAD. My research is ruined!<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your
thoughts on the computer virus?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Didn’t
it look a bit like a mid-90s pop-up ad hell one occasionally stumbles into in
the less reputable districts of the internet?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">JD: I know exactly what she is thinking right here:</span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></span>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And that is "GMILFS....how could you?"</span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which was more convenient to the plot: the
truck breaking down at just the wrong time or the grizzled dude mysteriously surviving without explanation?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">JD: I think the thing that was most convenient was the fact that she was able to escape the zombies and the bombing by jumping into the water. Oh wait, no, that was completely reasonable because they were on an island. She could have jumped into the water at literally any time.</span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would parents do at the Rezort?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What kind of options do you think it had for
families?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
JD: "Got four kids? Really only want two? Do we have the DEAL for YOU!"</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the activists wanted to get their hands on
the stolen information on the spy’s flashdrive, why would they also, and at the
same time, unleash a horde of zombies upon her?</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">JD: Maybe they didn't, Paul. That virus had KlownSlats.ru's fingerprints all over it! Or so I hear.</span></div>
Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-2389477646662559902017-02-14T16:32:00.000-08:002018-11-26T14:35:33.071-08:00CLINICAL (2017) [Joe's Review]<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
In <i>Clinical</i>, a psychiatrist struggles with the ghost of a patient, literally and figuratively.<br />
<br />
<i>Clinical</i> is a movie in three parts. The first is the main plot and it takes an hour and a half. It's super boring. I'm going to fill this review full of pictures of the psychiatrist looking bored so that you really get the idea. Anyway, the plot is about a psychiatrist’s struggle with the fact that she gave a patient tons of meds and bad advice, leading to the patient flipping out and cutting her own throat with a piece of glass.<br />
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The psychiatrist, Dr. Jane Mathis, is struggling with that trauma. Her normal patients bore her – they just want her for her drugs – and she tells them she doesn’t do that. At least, she doesn’t when she’s working. When she’s NOT prescribing drugs to her boring patients with boring problems, she’s popping pills of her own and downing them with big glasses of chardonnay. This is invariably followed by the ghost of the girl, Nora, showing up and causing a ruckus.<br />
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Dr. Mathis thinks she can exorcise her demons by helping a new patient who had his face ripped off in a car accident and then got it sewn back on. Dr. Mathis’ disposable cop boyfriend is introduced, as well as Dr. Mathis’s own therapist, Terry.<br />
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Every scene with Terry is incredibly boring because it involves Terry asking an asinine question like “How are you today” followed by Dr. Mathis pulling back the hood on his therapeutic techniques “You’re trying to engage me on a personal level, to get me to open up about my problems.” After minutes of painfully self-conscious back-and-forth, Dr. Mathis reveals she’s helping the face guy and Terry warns her “It could be dangerous.”<br />
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Now, he means dangerous on an emotional level, because there’s no way he could know that the face guy is really a rapist psycho who doesn’t need therapy at all and is actually stalking Dr. Mathis in an elaborate revenge plot.<br />
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<br />
Anyway, Dr. Mathis and the face guy dive into his memory of the car crash that ripped his face off and the progress they make there is ostensibly the progress of the entire movie.<br />
<br />
Then it turns out that the meds Dr. Mathis has been taking are turning her into a psycho, and she kills someone with a corkscrew! This begins the second phase of the movie, the insane plot twist phase. Of course, Dr. Mathis’s meds weren’t really the culprit. She was really drugged in her sleep in a way that conveniently caused her to hallucinate that she was fighting her ghost and caused her to commit murder and go to a psych ward.<br />
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Then she escapes from the psych ward and jumps into a car, which happens to have the psycho in it who was waiting for her to escape from the psych ward! And the girl who was a ghost was really alive the whole time, until just as that’s discovered she hangs herself and is now really dead.<br />
So there are about 8 plot twists in a 20 minute span that have nothing to do with the first hour and a half, they’re the spasms and thrashings of a desperate screenplay. And then there’s the third part of the movie.<br />
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The third part of the movie has one single shining “Oh S**T!” moment. It reminds me of some of my favorite scenes from True Blood, like when Vampire Bill is hate-fucking his evil vampire girlfriend and he twists her head all the way around in an act of angry sexual sadism, to which she screams “I love you” and he howls with woe. Or when the good looking blonde vampire rips a dude’s heart out of his chest and drinks it like a juice box to make a statement upon entering a room full of witches.<br />
<br />
There is ONE scene in <i>Clinical</i> that is on that level and I will definitely not spoil it for you.<br />
<br />
Look at the time! Questions for Paul!<br />
<br />
So Paul,<br />
<br />
<i>JD:<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>How did you react to that scene? Silent fist pump? Face palm?</i><br />
<br />
<b>PH: </b>It was literally jaw-dropping. For me the more satisfying part was when she gets up and sees her handiwork in the lawn and is all like, "ewww." It would be like if the Patriots were positively repulsed by how dominantly they won the superbowl. Like, I won so epically, I'm actually disgusted.<br />
<br />
<i>JD:<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Considering how questionable cork screws are for their intended purpose, how is it that they’re so great at one-shot killing people?</i><br />
<br />
<b>PH: </b>Good point! I think the solution is that the corkscrew belongs to the screwing family in general. And screwing, generally, is one of those things where intents and results have little in common.<br />
<br />
<i>JD:<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Why was the ghost daughter helping her dad?</i><br />
<br />
<b>PH: </b>I don't know, man. Was she? I think it would take way more shots of a bored therapist to figure that out. I didn't really understand what she was doing besides going through the trash. To me, she was more suicidal racoon than ghost daughter. <br />
<br />
<i>JD:<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>And did they really just happen to be jogging next to her? How random is that?</i><br />
<br />
<b>PH: </b>Oh yeah! That's right--the jogging scene! Pretty random that she would be right there, hiding in the bushes. But then again, when you're a chronically bored therapist who doesn't treat your patients, I'm sure you would get used to them turning up in all manner of shrubbery.<i> </i><br />
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Joe Dodsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10301572026488306542noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-64646405495919424612017-02-06T17:55:00.001-08:002017-02-06T17:55:35.317-08:00CLINICAL (2017) [Paul's Review]<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
This is a review written without the use of the delete
key.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m just going for it, as fast as
possible typos be damned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why so fast
you as? Ask?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Clinical </i>is slowly leaving my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean quickly .<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it’s the sort of thing that you know isn’t
going to stick in your head at all, so I have to write fast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is an urgency here, desperate, the
alternative. . .i mean, if I don’t get this all out in the next twenty minutes,
the movie will be gone from my memory and then I have to sart again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean “start” .<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So what if the punctuation is
all screwy and my jokes aren’t funny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
isn’t a time for laughs anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is
crunch time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is for all the
marbles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is so that I don’t have to
watch <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Clinical </i>again.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
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Why is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Clinical </i>so
forgettable?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mainly because it is
absurdly slow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s slow as molasses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh man, what a cliché.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s something I would usually cut out and
rethink, but this is desperate times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or
desperate measures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Clichés, they’re
what my mind does when I don’t force it to do anything.<br />
<br />
<i>Clinical </i>begins with a giant foot stepping on a moon. But this is like figurative or something, the moon representing what you'll remember about the movie and the foot representing your brain's own instinctual delete key. <br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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<i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Clinical</span></i> is about a therapist (Vinessa Shaw) who is haunted by memories of
a patient who killed herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
therapist is going to therapy to try to get right again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But meanwhile she’s also practicing therapy
on patients in her home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of her
patients (Kevin Rahm) has had facial reconstruction surgery, and his face looks like a sack
of potatoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s having trouble
adjusting, and so the therapist sets about trying to restore his memories of his disfiguring car accident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The way she gets him to remember is by telling him to breathe and then
to tell the story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s supposed to be a really
good therapist, "the BEST at this stuff" and you can tell because she is into really cutting edge
therapy techniques, like asking: “and how did that make you feel?” and saying
stuff like “you have to confront it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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At one point she tells a girl who is in an ongoing domestic
abuse situation to confront her rapist-father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This turns out to be the wrong move.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It also seems like the kind of thing that you might lose your medical
license for, but what am I, some kind of . . .<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I trailed off there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not really
sure where I was going and ended up nowhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But no delete key!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just gotta
push through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Anyway, this therapist who is going to therapy and also
therapizing a bunch of clients out of her home starts seeing visions of her
former patient.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then we realize that
maybe it IS her former patient since that girl, played by India Eisley of <a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2016/10/the-curse-of-sleeping-beauty-2016-pauls.html" target="_blank">figure-skater-caught-in-a-chandelier fame</a>, didn’t die when she cut her jugular.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is foreshadowing of a sort, since later on a character has his
throat slit, artery pumping out blood, and he simply claps one of his mitts on
it and he’s fine!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br />
fesiaPP:FAIEjAWEFPI<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The giant cosmic foot-delete key of my mind just wants to stop here, but I have to go on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just put a hand over the severed artery,
Paul.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok, so in the end there’s a plot twist and the two stories
(facial reconstruction dude and suicidal girl who didn’t actually manage to kill
herself because brains don’t need blood in this movie) finally come
together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To its credit, it isn’t
entirely predictable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But not to its
credit. . . what’s the word for that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But to its <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">detriment, </i>the
reason why you won’t see it coming is that it depends on the villain executing perfectly a plan that has like, a 2% chance of success and a 98% chance of self-inflicted death, from the outset.<br />
<br /></div>
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Now what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What else
do I have to say?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m starting to forget
the film already.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh yeah!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is directed by Alistair Legrand, who
also directed <a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2016/04/the-diabolical-2015-pauls-review.html" target="_blank"><i>The </i></a><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2016/04/the-diabolical-2015-pauls-review.html" target="_blank">Diabolical</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>It’s hard to say which is the better of
these two efforts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i>The </i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Diabolical </i>was silly, but there was also some action. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Clinical
</i>was “smarter,” but it was inexcusably long and slow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I'd probably go with <i>Clinical</i> if pressed because: better acting and a satisfyingly gory final encounter. Also, no time travel at all!</span><br />
<br /></div>
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There are also some similarities between <i>The </i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Diabolical </i>and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Clinical </i>that probably aren't worth pointing out, but I noticed them so in they go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Like, in both movies are seemingly identical backyard romantic dinners with wine. No idea if Legrand is single or married or whatever, but if I were his significant other, and he said he had something special planned at his place, I'd probably know to bring a sweater (or bug spray, depending on the season). </span><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zh2COMpoeyc/WIvr7KHRDZI/AAAAAAAABTs/GkxGHKqLVHolCmJzm_woVt_4rNOMXNSrQCLcB/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-01-19%2B18.40.02.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" height="152" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zh2COMpoeyc/WIvr7KHRDZI/AAAAAAAABTs/GkxGHKqLVHolCmJzm_woVt_4rNOMXNSrQCLcB/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-01-19%2B18.40.02.png" title="the diabolical ali larter backyard" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fly4hw-bjAc/WIvrxxlYESI/AAAAAAAABTo/zRL7UfPzIJ0fKLNr5mVZ7KeEIdABH4M3ACEw/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-01-19%2B18.37.57.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" height="131" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fly4hw-bjAc/WIvrxxlYESI/AAAAAAAABTo/zRL7UfPzIJ0fKLNr5mVZ7KeEIdABH4M3ACEw/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-01-19%2B18.37.57.png" title="Vinessa Shaw Clinical Backyard" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lYFF7QwWS5I/WIvrhT0bxYI/AAAAAAAABTg/RmsJGV2erVcn5_jD59CTQEsthG9YkDyAQCLcB/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-01-19%2B18.37.37.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" height="187" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lYFF7QwWS5I/WIvrhT0bxYI/AAAAAAAABTg/RmsJGV2erVcn5_jD59CTQEsthG9YkDyAQCLcB/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-01-19%2B18.37.37.png" title="Vinessa Shaw Clinical Backyard" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-stPswv_VSu0/WIvril_1q8I/AAAAAAAABTk/egOkz5kkmZwh6NphaeCDGtQHBeXIjrS5QCLcB/s1600/Screenshot%2B2017-01-19%2B18.41.14.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" height="179" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-stPswv_VSu0/WIvril_1q8I/AAAAAAAABTk/egOkz5kkmZwh6NphaeCDGtQHBeXIjrS5QCLcB/s320/Screenshot%2B2017-01-19%2B18.41.14.png" title="Ali Larter Backyard The Diabolical" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
The special effects are gruesome, which is good, except that
somehow the gore doesn’t quite match the lackadaisical pacing and “cerebral”
mood of the film.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still, there’s a
corkscrew death that definitely outscrews that other corkscrewing we saw in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hush</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I’ve said
enough that maybe I can now let <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Clinical </i>go
to wherever completely forgettable movies go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In the end, there’s just way too many therapy sessions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The therapist therapizes her patients
(including one that is just sort of in the movie to, like, establish that she
has more than one patient or something).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Her therapist therapizes her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The mental institution has its own therapist who therapizes some of the
therapist’s patients and then the therapist herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And at the end of the movie, the patient
therapizes the therapist!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d say three-quarters of the film is
therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And four-quarters of the therapy are boring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s so boring that the therapist writes “BORED”
in her session notes and then doodles this buxomy centaur thing.<br />
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<b>Questions for Joe:</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>1. I feel like the titanic moon-stomping foot monster storyline wasn't fully wrapped up. What do you think happened to it?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>JD</b>: You know that scene in the old action movie Face/Off where Nic Cage slowly says the words "Face....off!" while mock pulling his face off with his hand? <i>Clinical</i> is like a 2 hour version of that .gif, and I'm pretty sure every single thing that happens references the fact that someone's going to get their face ripped off. Or maybe that's just all I can think about after watching <i>Clinical.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>2. Which character was more unnecessary, the exercise buddy, the random anxious patient, or the cop boyfriend with aspiring-actor facial scruff? </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>JD</b>: You forgot the sanctimonious mentor! But I'll go with random anxious patient, because all the others were psycho-fodder.<br />
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<i>3. What did you learn about therapy from this movie that you didn't know before?</i><br />
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<b>JD</b>: Therapists aren't nearly as surprised as they seem when I ask them for PCP.<br />
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<i>4. Do you remember the intricacies of the plot? When, if at all, did you start to lose the details?</i><br />
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<b>JD</b>: It really seemed like she was making progress with her patient before she flipped out and stabbed her boyfriend in the head. I think that may have been when things stopped making sense. But that's also when things started getting interesting!<br />
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<i>5. Do you think I've lost face for writing such a sloppy review? </i><br />
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<b>JD</b>: You've certainly regressed and need to try some drugs. See, after watching <i>Clinical</i>, anyone can sound like a therapist!</div>
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Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-24788161285031713432017-02-02T11:24:00.002-08:002017-02-02T11:24:51.219-08:00Next 4, January 20172017. The year of the rooster. Or, as placemats at Chinese restaurants used to say to our endless juvenile delight: the year of the cock. <br />
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How to kick it off? With four new movies delivered straight up from our Netflix overlords, of course! Oh man, I hope we can get through this stuff quickly, because I see some titles a little further down the list that look pretty great. Like <i>The Wailing </i>for instance. But that's like <i>way</i> down there. <br />
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And we aren't bumping anyone up, no matter how stylish and scary and cool they may look. Who knows? Maybe <i>Bleed: Reap The Flesh </i>is going to be the thoughtful, smart, thriller that no one who sees its pregnant-belly-inscribed-with-sigil cover thinks it could be! Come on <i>Bleed</i>, we're rooting for you! Reap that flesh!<br />
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Next Four Up:<br />
<i>1. Clincial </i>(2017)<br />
<i>2. The Rezort </i>(2016)<br />
<i>3. Bleed: Reap the Flesh </i>(2016)<br />
<i>4. The Secrets of Emily Blair </i>(2016)<br />
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As always, we invite you watch these with us, because it's safer if we stick together.<br />
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<br />Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-383664243065162155.post-62107329343828198072017-01-27T15:52:00.000-08:002017-01-28T08:34:14.764-08:00September-December Wrap!One year later and the Rock, Paper, Hatchet project is still, barely, alive. It refuses to die! It refuses! It looks at the bottom of its "to do" list, sees "die gracefully," and says "No thank you sir. I prefer this horrifyingly slow and painful crawl of putrescent ignominy." <br />
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Last December, we started up this blog with the intention of reviewing four random recent horror titles a month. That quickly dropped to four movies every two months. And finally, clawing and scraping to the finish, we managed four movies in the last four months. Pay no attention to the fibonacci-series-like trend, for we are turning things around in 2017! <br />
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But first, let's say goodbye to the four final movies of 2016. We hardly knew ye!<br />
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And what a way to end--this was definitely the "group of death" in our tournament. Three of these were all legitimate contenders and could have easily won if they were seeded in earlier rounds. And the other one was <i>13 Cameras</i>.<br />
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<b>Paul's Rankings (with links to his reviews):</b><br />
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1. <a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2016/09/theyre-watching-2016-pauls-review.html" target="_blank">They're Watching</a>: Surprisingly entertaining found footage horror movie in an HGTV house hunters reality show frame. This historical charmer is a three bedroom, two bath craftsman with walk-in closets and an authentic witch-burning stake at the center of a verdant landscaped yard. Great for entertaining guests or sacrificing them!<br />
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2. <a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2016/10/holidays-2016-pauls-review.html" target="_blank">Holidays</a>: This horror anthology didn't quite make the top of the list because of Kevin Smith's excruciating Halloween segment. But Easter and Father's Day were a couple of the best horror things of the year, in my opinion. Joe disagrees with me about Easter, which he found in poor taste. We need a tie-breaker: what did you think? <br />
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3. <a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2016/10/the-curse-of-sleeping-beauty-2016-pauls.html" target="_blank">The Curse of Sleeping Beauty</a>: The bizarre mannequin-driven dark fantasy was nowhere near the even the bottom half of the movies we've reviewed. But here it sits anyway. Tough luck, Sleeping Beauty. It's like you're cursed or something.<br />
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4. <a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/01/13-cameras-pauls-review.html" target="_blank">13 Cameras</a>: Most unlikable character of the year vs. masturbating swole grandpa. Not a whole lot of rooting interests in this one. <br />
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<b>Joe's Rankings (with links to his reviews):</b><br />
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1. <a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2016/09/theyre-watching-2016-joes-review.html" target="_blank">They're Watching</a>: Writing about scary movies is fun, but talking about them isn't! Exhibit A: when I discuss Rockpaperhatchet with friends and family, no one wants to hear about movies to not watch. That's why the only movie I ever bring up is <i>They're Watching</i>. It's the only good scary movie we've covered.<br />
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2. <a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2016/10/holidays-2016-joes-review.html" target="_blank">Holidays</a>: Is actually a close second to They're Watching. I almost talk about it but the Easter episode is too disturbing for polite conversation.<br />
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4. <a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2017/01/13-cameras-2015-joes-review.html" target="_blank">13 Cameras</a>: is like a cheeseburger you really aren't in the mood for - stuffed into your mouth by a gross hairy landlord. Even though there are some good parts, you won't want to go through it twice.<br />
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3. <a href="http://www.rockpaperhatchet.com/2016/11/the-curse-of-sleeping-beauty-2016-joes.html" target="_blank">The Curse of Sleeping Beauty</a>: must be amnesia because I have zero recollection of this film. I guess I'll go read about it! Heyo, page view!<br />
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<br />Paul Hurhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08576928050893845063noreply@blogger.com0