March-April Wrap!

Wow, what a crazy couple months here at Rock, Paper, Hatchet.

First, we received our first ever comments!  Thank you to those readers who left notes--it's personally encouraging AND it confirms that our comments function is working.  So that's a double win which we needed badly because . . .

Second, we watched some soul-crushingly awful movies.  Ranking them is sort of like weighing the relative merits of poison ivy, athlete's foot, head lice, and dry socket.  After you've had all four in a two-month span, talking about them again is as appealing as wading into a pond of leeches.

But since it must be done (does it really?  what's wrong with us?), let's jump right in!  Come on in, the water's fine and full of parasites ready to relieve you of all of that blood you've been hoarding.

Paul's Rankings (with links to his reviews):
1)  The Veil:  What the hell?  How did The Veil win?  It's like the Donald Trump of horror movies--and Donald Trump is already the horror movie of democracy!  Still, The Veil had its moments and a single effective jump scare.  It probably helps that the visual quality was so dim that it was like watching a turned-off TV.

2)  Curve:  A young woman drives off a cliff.  That's the beginning of the story.  It probably should have also been the end.  But at least the basic rules of space and time are adhered to.

3)  The Diabolical:  Ali Larter lives in a house with monsters.  When a strange man shows up asking to buy the house, she sells it and lives happily ever after.  Err.  No.  I mean she doesn't sell it, thus ushering us into a world in which the laws of space, time, and real estate no longer apply.

4)  The Hollow:  Could possibly be useful in "enhanced interrogation" procedures. 


Joe's Rankings (with links to his reviews):
3)  The Diabolical:  It's a three-way tie for third, out of four! I just want to be clear that there are no winners here, and not even any runner-ups. Instead, there are movies like The Diabolical, where a bleeding booger monster causes one child to step on a dinner plate, and prevents another from breaking a window. THE HORROR.

3)  Curve:  A woman makes a series of terrible decisions and winds up bumbling her tormentor to death.

3)  The Veil: Features the best jump scare, and the most cockamamie plot. But...it's kinda racist. And half of the movie is watching other people watch a bad movie.

4)  The Hollow:  One of the worst tropes in horror is the screaming woman who can't calm down. In this movie, there are three of them, and they're up against a monster that's attracted to loud noises. I SAID, IT'S ATTRACTED TO LOUD NOISES.

THE VEIL (2016) [Joe's Review]

. . . It's like everyone has been hanging out without her, and they all secretly hate her! . . .

A cult of religious wackos swallows poison together and dies, leaving one little girl behind. Twenty years later, she returns for answers.

THE VEIL (2016) [Paul's Review]

. . . Maybe I'll start a cult matchmaking app: OK Cultish? eHarmyourself? . . .

 Before we get started, I want to let you know how honored I am to even be considered, and I want to apologize in advance for any awkwardness.  You see, I've never been in a cult before.

Maybe it’s a little weird to just come out and say that, but I just wanted to put it out there so you know it’s my first time.  I mean, sure, there was that time in high school, when in the back of a marching band bus, I and the rest of the saxophone section sort of summoned the arch-beast Belial and had to pretend that he was our school mascot for the rest of the trip until the proper rites and incantations could be performed . . . but that’s not really a cult, is it?  No, a cult takes commitment.

Plaid Flannel Lives!

Here's a random observation from the last two films I've watched:  untucked plaid flannel shirts might be clawing their way out of their shallow grave.

I wouldn't have noticed it had I not just watched an episode of The X-Files from 1993 that contains perhaps the best visual commentary on the 90s evolution in what counted as sexy in a single shot:

Even though Scully's shirt isn't flannel (it's silk!  even better!) this got me thinking about how sad I was about the decline of all those 90s fashion trends: loose-fitting everything, overalls, silk shirts, silk boxers (was that a thing?  Or was that like another version of Drakkar, something that high school boys wore in their self-defeating quest to seem mature?  I can't tell you, even though I was a major offender) and, most of all, plaid flannel shirts, untucked.

But then I started seeing plaid flannel everywhere in the last two Rock, Paper, Hatchet films we've watched.  In Pay the Ghost, it's worn by both the sexy devil coed AND Nicholas Cage.  And it's the exact same blue/red/green print--the same print on the flannel shirt I was wearing when I met my wife that sweltering California day in July!

 

So I was like, huh!  And then the very next film up, The Veil (review should be up next week), is like a flannel plaid volcano:

That last image may be dim, so Microsoft Paint to the rescue:

That's three plaid flannel shirts.  On both men and women.  One tied around the waist.  One open.  And all untucked.

I'm going to keep a close eye on this developing story.  And if I see any characters rocking oversize double-breasted blazers with mammoth shoulderpads, we'll uncork the champagne. . .