Friday, January 27, 2017

September-December Wrap!

One year later and the Rock, Paper, Hatchet project is still, barely, alive.  It refuses to die!  It refuses! It looks at the bottom of its "to do" list, sees "die gracefully," and says "No thank you sir.  I prefer this horrifyingly slow and painful crawl of putrescent ignominy."

Last December, we started up this blog with the intention of reviewing four random recent horror titles a month.  That quickly dropped to four movies every two months.  And finally, clawing and scraping to the finish, we managed four movies in the last four months.  Pay no attention to the fibonacci-series-like trend, for we are turning things around in 2017!

But first, let's say goodbye to the four final movies of 2016.  We hardly knew ye!

And what a way to end--this was definitely the "group of death" in our tournament.  Three of these were all legitimate contenders and could have easily won if they were seeded in earlier rounds.  And the other one was 13 Cameras.

Paul's Rankings (with links to his reviews):

1.  They're Watching:  Surprisingly entertaining found footage horror movie in an HGTV house hunters reality show frame.  This historical charmer is a three bedroom, two bath craftsman with walk-in closets and an authentic witch-burning stake at the center of a verdant landscaped yard.  Great for entertaining guests or sacrificing them!

2.  Holidays:  This horror anthology didn't quite make the top of the list because of Kevin Smith's excruciating Halloween segment.  But Easter and Father's Day were a couple of the best horror things of the year, in my opinion.  Joe disagrees with me about Easter, which he found in poor taste.  We need a tie-breaker: what did you think?

3.  The Curse of Sleeping Beauty:  The bizarre mannequin-driven dark fantasy was nowhere near the even the bottom half of the movies we've reviewed.  But here it sits anyway.  Tough luck, Sleeping Beauty.  It's like you're cursed or something.

4.  13 Cameras:  Most unlikable character of the year vs. masturbating swole grandpa.  Not a whole lot of rooting interests in this one.

Joe's Rankings (with links to his reviews):

1.  They're Watching:  Writing about scary movies is fun, but talking about them isn't! Exhibit A: when I discuss Rockpaperhatchet with friends and family, no one wants to hear about movies to not watch. That's why the only movie I ever bring up is They're Watching. It's the only good scary movie we've covered.

2.  Holidays:  Is actually a close second to They're Watching. I almost talk about it but the Easter episode is too disturbing for polite conversation.

4.  13 Cameras:  is like a cheeseburger you really aren't in the mood for - stuffed into your mouth by a gross hairy landlord. Even though there are some good parts, you won't want to go through it twice.

3.  The Curse of Sleeping Beauty: must be amnesia because I have zero recollection of this film. I guess I'll go read about it! Heyo, page view!

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