Saturday, August 20, 2016

June-July Wrap!

Ok, so we fell a little behind schedule this summer. But we got it done!  You can't rush quality like this (snicker).  So four more in the bag.  How did we rate this last batch?

Paul's Rankings (with links to his reviews):

1.  Fairlane Road
It did the most with the least.  It's like the Mr. Hustle award in Pee-Wee League.  And I should know,  being the proud recipient of not one, but TWO Mr. Hustle awards.  Some genuine creepy moments bracketed by awful, yet weirdly effective, acting.

2.  Little Dead Rotting Hood
Werewolves battle an undead becloaked teenager and the bumbling local sheriff's department.  Mostly silly, occasionally fun, AND you'll also learn about wolves' migratory patterns in North America during the inexplicable lecture sequence!  Educational! 

3.  Hush
A mostly disappointing stalker/slasher film which never quite makes the leap from an unfortunate series of events to actual story.  I am still proud (and secretly kind of convinced) of my cheeky reading of the whole affair as a psychological allegory about the horrors of a major cooking disaster when the special guest is already on her way.  She forgot to add the wine!  And it ruined EVERYTHING!
4.  The Exorcism of Molly Hartley
Not as bad as some of our other losers (side eye at you, The Hollow), but it definitely goes down as a  blazing wreck at the end.  Whereas the other movies at least tried, The Exorcism of Molly Hartley just panders, lifting the most finely crafted morsels of classic horror, shoving them down its snarling corn teeth face and then vomiting them all over you.

What'd you think, Joe?

Joe's Rankings (with links to his reviews):

1.  Little Dead Rotting Hood
The pick of the litter! Kind of. If you were evaluating by any objective "Four legs, two eyes, two ears" standard, this pup wouldn't pass. But like a one-eyed chihuahua that thinks it's a wolf, LDRH has moxie! It wants to be bad.

2.  Fairlane Road
Fairlane Road wants to be legitimate. Its goals are the noblest and its execution is the best. But it's a little boring, and the plot twist at the end reduces all of the initial creepiness into a PSA about drunk driving. I can't wait for the sequel, Fairlane Road 2: Speeding Is Dangerous and Irresponsible.

3.  Hush
Hush is like Home Alone if Kevin were a 30 year-old deaf woman who didn't set any traps and cried all the time.

4.  The Exorcism of Molly Hartley
The Exorcism of Molly Hartley is like Hush, if the writer had a nervous breakdown halfway through writing the script, but went ahead and finished it anyway, because the devil is bees, and the exorcism is what he wants, and he'll turn into a whale! It's all for you, Leviathan! *Throws himself off desk*

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