[A
word of explanation about our Postmortem Q&As: after each of us write our
reviews, we send along a few questions for the other. THE OTHER.
Then the whole shebang gets thrown up into its own post. It's like we're
right inside your room, talking to each other like you're not even there.
The nerve!]
This week we're answering questions about Last Shift. Missed our reviews? Read them first!
Last Shift (2014) [Joe's Take]Last Shift (2014) [Paul's Take]
Paul's Questions/Joe's Answers
PH: The prostitute says she has to go “make donuts” at one point. Is this another cop stereotype provocation or did I miss something?
PH: The prostitute says she has to go “make donuts” at one point. Is this another cop stereotype provocation or did I miss something?
JD: According to Urban Dictionary, ‘time
to make the doughnuts’ means it’s time to get to work, and it comes from an old
Duncan Donuts commercial in which the donut maker would say, well, you know.
Also, for what it’s worth, the top related words include:
‘dry-humping’, ‘abstinence’, ‘america runs on dunkin’, ‘anal
rape’, ‘bacon’, ‘best time ever’
I actually clicked on ‘anal rape’ just to see if there were
some hip, new way the kids were using these days, like “That bike is so anal
rape!” but no, it still means the same thing as it ever did. Also, ‘best time
ever’ HAS no definition. The mysteries just don’t STOP with this movie!
PH: Why doesn’t Jessica fix her
hair?
JD: I’m pretty sure at one point she
gets locked in a prison cell with a hobo, whom she tases into unconsciousness,
then loses her flashlight. Then it gets FOUND by a specter that whispers creepy
shit, and shines light on the hobo just so you can see he’s not the one with
the flash light, which is IMPOSSIBLE, and terrifying. And she eventually gets
out of there, and the first thing she does…is go back to her desk and work on
her Police Training Manual some more. Maybe she’s looking for the section on
ghost busting, but I don’t know why she does anything she does after the first
10 minutes.
No! Wait, because in the first 10 minutes, she finds a
creepy ass room, and in the very next scene she’s sitting there eating a
sandwich in it! And then, she finds a hair in her mouth, except it’s an
extremely long black hair, which she pulls like three feet out of her mouth.
That’s what you get for eating a sandwich in a creepy room, and on top of that,
it’s obviously her hair, so she only has herself to blame. And finally, maybe
that’s why she doesn’t fix her hair, because she’s already had enough of it for
lunch! BEST TIME EVER
PH: Discuss the transcendent evil of
office furniture.
JD: I spent most of the movie thinking
things like “I would be OUT of there. I would call for back up, from my car,
because I would be out.” I started thinking that during the bathroom scene, and
basically never stopped. Except for the chair scene. I could take a chair. And
watching her get beat up by one was like watching one of those dramatized,
metaphorical struggles with drug addiction from D.A.R.E commercials when we
were kids. Were those a thing? Because that felt like what I was watching. She
didn’t really lose to a chair. She was really losing to crystal meth.
PH: Was that “Su-eee” decent enough by
pig farming standards?
JD: To tell you the truth, I didn’t make
the pig farmer, cop, sow connection as quickly or as completely as you did. You
pigged up on it! Snort.
PH: Explain the immaculateness of the
eyebrows of the female ghostly redneck non-Satan-worshiping
pig farmers.
JD: Well, they clearly never fought a
possessed office chair, or at least one of those eyebrow hairs would NOT have
been on flique.
Joe's Questions/Paul's Answers
PH: Honestly, I don't think I would have returned just to answer the phone. I mean, she was OUT. And then she comes running back in because she doesn't want it to go to voicemail? Please. That phone brought her absolutely no good news the whole time. I mean, even when the hazmat guys called it was only to tell her that they were going to be late.
JD: What happened to the
bathroom? Was that the devil worshipers? Or was the police station next to an
Arby's?
PH:
My first thought was that it was the urinating homeless guy who was
apparently squatting in their utility closet.
But then he peed on the floor, which, really, can you blame him after
seeing the bathroom? So now I’m thinking
that it was the other cops playing a good old fashioned poo joke on the new
recruit.
JD: As a Silent Hill fan, how Silent
Hill was this movie?
PH:
Fairly Silent Hill? I know you
take issue with the “you can’t distinguish between reality and fantasy”
psychological horror thing, but I dig it when done well. I also liked how the special effects seemed
to rely on old-fashioned makeup and prosthetics rather than CGI, which reminds
me of the Silent Hill movie. Though that
one CGI-aided scene where the corpse is being dragged on the ground by
something invisible and then it is pulled up and begins to walk? Terrifying.
JD: What did you think of the blond
woman whom she meets outside?
PH:
You mean the banged-up prostitute who has all the killer info on the
haunted police station’s past? I thought
she was. . .convenient. I also thought
that she might ply her trade somewhere a little less suburban park looking, but
what do I know?
JD: What could have made this good?
PH: I thought it was good! I mean, not top 10 list or anything, but more
good than bad. I guess what could have
made it better would have been more character development for the evil office
chairs. Like, how many farts does an
office chair have to eat before turning on you?
And that's it for Last Shift. Next up: Bound to Vengeance. Time to make the donuts.
And that's it for Last Shift. Next up: Bound to Vengeance. Time to make the donuts.
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