Wednesday, April 26, 2017

THE SECRETS OF EMILY BLAIR (2016) [Paul's Review]

The Secrets of Emily Blair is the latest in the exciting new trend of exorcism movies with suburban white girls’ names in the titles!  But it dares to go further than The Exorcism of Emily Rose or The Exorcism of Molly Hartley or The Curse of Molly Hartley or Molly Hartley: Exorcist Cabaret!  ‘Cause in The Secrets of Emily Blair, both first AND last names are badges of white privilege!  In the Caucasian exorcism brinkmanship game, it won’t be long until we see the likes of: “The Possession of Bree Madison’s Pony” or “Untangling Ashley Kennedy Kaitlyn:  The Yoga Pose of Deviltry.” 

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Monday, March 6, 2017

BLEED (2016) [Paul's Review]

Bleed splits neatly into two categories.  On one side is STUFF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND.  And on the other is THE PLOT.   Bleed excels in keeping each from having anything to do with the other. 

(1) Passive Aggressive Relationships
(2) Peer Pressure
(3) Untimely Horniness

THE PLOT includes . . .
. . . Hmmm.  This is really difficult to put into a list.  It’s really apples and oranges.  Or apples and BLOOD oranges, amirite?  Ok, here goes, but this ain’t going to be close:  

 (1)  A Cult
(2)  A Morally Conflicted Killer Ghost/Fireball/DNA Experiment
(3)  A woman standing in a field, screaming
(4)  ????
(5)  Profit!

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

THE REZORT (2015) [Paul's Review]

Hey, look at this, our first zombie movie!  *presses play*  Hey, look at this, our first expository news sequence!   

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

CLINICAL (2017) [Joe's Review]

In Clinical, a psychiatrist struggles with the ghost of a patient, literally and figuratively.

Clinical is a movie in three parts. The first is the main plot and it takes an hour and a half. It's super boring. I'm going to fill this review full of pictures of the psychiatrist looking bored so that you really get the idea. Anyway, the plot is about a psychiatrist’s struggle with the fact that she gave a patient tons of meds and bad advice, leading to the patient flipping out and cutting her own throat with a piece of glass.

Monday, February 6, 2017

CLINICAL (2017) [Paul's Review]

This is a review written without the use of the delete key.  I’m just going for it, as fast as possible typos be damned.  Why so fast you as? Ask?  Because Clinical is slowly leaving my mind.  I mean quickly .  it’s the sort of thing that you know isn’t going to stick in your head at all, so I have to write fast.  There is an urgency here, desperate, the alternative. . .i mean, if I don’t get this all out in the next twenty minutes, the movie will be gone from my memory and then I have to sart again.  I mean “start” .  So what if the punctuation is all screwy and my jokes aren’t funny.  This isn’t a time for laughs anyway.  This is crunch time.  This is for all the marbles.  This is so that I don’t have to watch Clinical again.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Next 4, January 2017

2017.  The year of the rooster.  Or, as placemats at Chinese restaurants used to say to our endless juvenile delight: the year of the cock.

How to kick it off?  With four new movies delivered straight up from our Netflix overlords, of course!  Oh man, I hope we can get through this stuff quickly, because I see some titles a little further down the list that look pretty great.  Like The Wailing for instance.  But that's like way down there.

And we aren't bumping anyone up, no matter how stylish and scary and cool they may look.  Who knows?  Maybe Bleed: Reap The Flesh is going to be the thoughtful, smart, thriller that no one who sees its pregnant-belly-inscribed-with-sigil cover thinks it could be!  Come on Bleed, we're rooting for you!  Reap that flesh!

Next Four Up:
1.  Clincial (2017)
2.  The Rezort (2016)
3.  Bleed: Reap the Flesh (2016)
4.  The Secrets of Emily Blair (2016)

As always, we invite you watch these with us, because it's safer if we stick together.

Friday, January 27, 2017

September-December Wrap!

One year later and the Rock, Paper, Hatchet project is still, barely, alive.  It refuses to die!  It refuses! It looks at the bottom of its "to do" list, sees "die gracefully," and says "No thank you sir.  I prefer this horrifyingly slow and painful crawl of putrescent ignominy."

Last December, we started up this blog with the intention of reviewing four random recent horror titles a month.  That quickly dropped to four movies every two months.  And finally, clawing and scraping to the finish, we managed four movies in the last four months.  Pay no attention to the fibonacci-series-like trend, for we are turning things around in 2017!

But first, let's say goodbye to the four final movies of 2016.  We hardly knew ye!

And what a way to end--this was definitely the "group of death" in our tournament.  Three of these were all legitimate contenders and could have easily won if they were seeded in earlier rounds.  And the other one was 13 Cameras.

Paul's Rankings (with links to his reviews):

1.  They're Watching:  Surprisingly entertaining found footage horror movie in an HGTV house hunters reality show frame.  This historical charmer is a three bedroom, two bath craftsman with walk-in closets and an authentic witch-burning stake at the center of a verdant landscaped yard.  Great for entertaining guests or sacrificing them!

2.  Holidays:  This horror anthology didn't quite make the top of the list because of Kevin Smith's excruciating Halloween segment.  But Easter and Father's Day were a couple of the best horror things of the year, in my opinion.  Joe disagrees with me about Easter, which he found in poor taste.  We need a tie-breaker: what did you think?

3.  The Curse of Sleeping Beauty:  The bizarre mannequin-driven dark fantasy was nowhere near the even the bottom half of the movies we've reviewed.  But here it sits anyway.  Tough luck, Sleeping Beauty.  It's like you're cursed or something.

4.  13 Cameras:  Most unlikable character of the year vs. masturbating swole grandpa.  Not a whole lot of rooting interests in this one.

Joe's Rankings (with links to his reviews):

1.  They're Watching:  Writing about scary movies is fun, but talking about them isn't! Exhibit A: when I discuss Rockpaperhatchet with friends and family, no one wants to hear about movies to not watch. That's why the only movie I ever bring up is They're Watching. It's the only good scary movie we've covered.

2.  Holidays:  Is actually a close second to They're Watching. I almost talk about it but the Easter episode is too disturbing for polite conversation.

4.  13 Cameras:  is like a cheeseburger you really aren't in the mood for - stuffed into your mouth by a gross hairy landlord. Even though there are some good parts, you won't want to go through it twice.

3.  The Curse of Sleeping Beauty: must be amnesia because I have zero recollection of this film. I guess I'll go read about it! Heyo, page view!

Monday, January 16, 2017

13 CAMERAS (2015) [Joe's Review]

In 13 Cameras, the protagonists have all the wrong anxieties. They’re worried about their marriages, their jobs, their affairs. But really they should be worried about the insane landlord hiding in their basement with a ball peen hammer.

Friday, January 6, 2017

13 CAMERAS (2015) [Paul's Review]

Ryan’s marriage is falling apart.  His wife is pregnant and can’t eat swordfish, but guess what he brought home for their dinner party?   And he’s late for the dinner anyway, because he was busy getting busy with his pretty assistant.  He confides in his friend Paul, and, wouldn’t you know it, Paul tells his wife who turns around and tells Ryan’s wife.  So the next thing Ryan knows he’s out on his porch with nothing but a bag full of clothes.  And, just when you think Ryan has hit rock bottom, the mistress-assistant turns up bound and gagged in his basement.  It all looks awfully swordfishy for Ryan.  How is he going to wiggle out of this one?

Friday, November 11, 2016


In The Curse of Sleeping Beauty, a tortured artist is sure he can end his nightmares by finding and waking a mysterious woman named Briar Rose. Little does he know, the nightmare has only just begun!

There was recently an article in The Ringer about Blumhouse and how they make bold, serious dramas that are also scary movies. Apparently, if you add a possession here and an Ouija board there, you can make the kinds of movies that serious filmgoers want to see.

I wouldn’t know!

Because those are NOT the films we’re reviewing here. If Blumhouse produces art camouflaged as B-horror, our movies are the camouflage! The Curse of Sleeping Beauty is a fine example. It tells the story of a young artist named Thomas who inherits a haunted mansion, its mysteries, and a cursed bloodline! The curse means he can’t leave the mansion, but when he sleeps there, he usually wakes up to things like this:

Saturday, October 29, 2016


Gather round kiddos and let me tell you a fairy tale.  This one’s called “The Curse of Sleeping Beauty,” and it’s about a handsome artist and a beautiful sleeping girl who looks like a figure skater who got her head stuck in a chandelier. 

Monday, October 17, 2016

HOLIDAYS (2016) [Paul's Review]

Ever been to a Halloween party where the level of costume buy-in is pretty wobbly?  I mean, over there by the punchbowl you’ll have somebody who has spent weeks putting together a period-specific paper maché recreation of President Taft’s battle with his own clawfooted bathtub, complete with running water and a 1908 newspaper.  And then over here you’ll have someone who wore a bright red shirt and says she’s “Fire.” 

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

HOLIDAYS (2016) [Joe's Review]

Holidays is a holiday-themed horror compilation that’s a lot like Thanksgiving dinner with your family – by turns amusing, embarrassing, and horrifying. You’ll be glad when it’s over, but you may miss it a little when it’s gone.