Friday, June 23, 2017

Four More? Sure!


It's been real nice conversing like this round the fire.  But now the moon is high, and the bats are flying.  I'd say its 'bout that time we be headin' along, pardner.

But before we go, let's survey the trail ahead. 

1. Havenhurst

2.  The Axe Murders of Villisca

3.  Satanic

4.  I am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House 

See you down the road a bit!

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

First Half of 2017 Wrap!

Well, hey there.  Remember what we said back in January about Rock, Paper, Hatchet picking up the pace and turning stuff out on a regular schedule?  Neither do we!

It took us half a year to cover the previous four movies.  That's not so great.  But Joe just had a baby.  And that's really great!  It's great for him because babies are reportedly really awesome things to have.  And it's great for me because, besides being happy for him, I now have a plausible excuse for only writing four reviews in six months!  How could I, in good conscience, have written any faster when Joe was working so hard with his new responsibilities?  It would have been WRONG.

But hey, while I've got you on the line, I want to humblebrag that RPH has had a noticeable uptick in pageviews recently.   A lot of this has to do with our reviews of movies that almost no one else reviewed--"Fairlane Road," "The Secrets of Emily Blair," and "The Hollow" for example.  So thank you for the pageviews and the lone Google+ recommendation we got!  It still blows me away that people we don't even know find these reviews randomly and actually read them.  And it isn't even just Ukrainian spambots anymore!

Though, come to think of it, I don't know where our loyal spambots went to.  Did we say something offensive?  I'm not sure how to alienate unconscious strings of benignly parasitic code--but we did it! Either that or they watched Awaken on our recommendation and it melted their little mechanical brains.

Now, to the rankings!

PAUL'S RANKINGS (with links to his reviews)

1.  Bleed (2016):  A collection of thirty-somethings are stalked by ghosts and a rural cult for the possession of an unborn suburbanite.  It doesn't make a lick of sense, but the fact that it doesn't try is sort of refreshing.

2.  The Rezort (2016):  Trouble goes down at an island resort where people pay to kill zombies with machine guns.   The red camo shorts made an impression on me.  That's how easy it is to make it to number 2 in this four-way pillow fight.

3.  Clinical (2016):  Something about a psychiatrist that wallows in seemingly endless therapy sessions.  There are no red camo shorts in Clinical, but it does have a gruesome gross-out scene near the end that warrants putting it above . . .

4.  The Secrets of Emily Blair (2016):  Emily Blair is possessed by a demon and only two priests and a well-groomed fiance can save her!  This is done by baby-birding her holy water.  I'm not shitting you.

JOE'S RANKINGS (with links to his reviews)

1.  Clinical (2016):  Normally when someone asks you to rank a short list your imagination begins whirring with possibilities. "Which one will I choose first," you wonder, "which will receive the honor of my favor?" Now imagine saying these things to yourself while looking at a Del Taco menu and share in my hopelessness. "Which permutation of guacamole, steak, and french fries is superior to the others? Are there any ingredients in the Epic Bacon Ranch Chicken Avocado Burrito not included in the title?"

Clinical is my first choice because it had one thing I really liked in it. So while it may be the Epic Bacon Ranch Chicken Avocado Burrito of cinema, at least it had bacon.

2.  The Secrets of Emily Blair (2016):  Did you know there's a secret menu of food items at Del Taco known only to the most dedicated consumers of trash? What a perfect metaphor for RockPaperHatchet! We are the Del Taco Secret Menu of blogs. And that can only mean that The Secrets of Emily Blair is the Buntaco - the least congruous thing on the menu. And even more confusing than the dislocated forest-of-the-soul story-line it attempts is the fact that it attempted it in the first place. Why is it 2nd and not 4th? Buntac-if-I-know.

3.  Bleed (2016):  Did you know that at Del Taco you can "Go Bold" and they'll put Secret Sauce and fries on whatever you just ordered? Bleed goes bold with an incredibly unlikely rape scene and the murder of a pregnant woman. And I guess french fries. I'm just slapping shit together here because I am the Del Taco employee of bloggers.

4.  The Rezort (2016):  The Stoner Burrito is like a half pound bean and cheese burrito with french fries in it. That's it? Yes, that's it. And that's exactly the same reaction you'll have to The Rezort, unless you're high enough to be impressed by french fries in a bean-n-cheese burrito. In which case, do we have the movie for you!





 

Thursday, June 8, 2017

THE SECRETS OF EMILY BLAIR (2016) [Joe's Review]


Emily Blair’s secrets are that she made out with her boss at her engagement party. And also she’s possessed by the devil.

The Secrets of Emily Blair continues the chilling exorcism movie title convention of “The (Something) of (So and So)”, which has taken on a fascinating life of its own. As far as I can tell, and after at least 16 minutes of internet research, the first “The Something of The Person/Place” movie was actually “A Haunting in Connecticut” which was a TV horror documentary that aired in 2002. 

From there, it went:
  • The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005)
  • The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008) – Presumably NOT in Connecticut.
  • The Haunting in Connecticut (2009) – It's the film of the film with almost the same name
  • The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia (2013) – "These ghosts...are from Georgia!"
  • The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014) – No one tries to exorcise her, and she doesn’t have any secrets, but people take her to several different places throughout the film, so why not?
  • A Haunting at the Rectory (2015) – At the what?
  • The Exorcism of Molly Hartley (2015) – Stay tuned for 2018’s The Taking of Molly Hartley!
  • The Exorcism of Anna Ecklund (2016) – We’re definitely getting into random last name territory.
  • The Secrets of Emily Blair (2016) – Which we’ll get to
Don't you wonder why there was never a movie called simply “The Exorcism”? According to imdb.com, there was going to be one in 2005, but it was never completed. One might ask what could have gone wrong, but looking at the above movies in this list, everything going wrong didn’t stop any of them from getting made so, I wonder what went right?

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

THE SECRETS OF EMILY BLAIR (2016) [Paul's Review]



The Secrets of Emily Blair is the latest in the exciting new trend of exorcism movies with suburban white girls’ names in the titles!  But it dares to go further than The Exorcism of Emily Rose or The Exorcism of Molly Hartley or The Curse of Molly Hartley or Molly Hartley: Exorcist Cabaret!  ‘Cause in The Secrets of Emily Blair, both first AND last names are badges of white privilege!  In the Caucasian exorcism brinkmanship game, it won’t be long until we see the likes of: “The Possession of Bree Madison’s Pony” or “Untangling Ashley Kennedy Kaitlyn:  The Yoga Pose of Deviltry.” 

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Monday, March 6, 2017

BLEED (2016) [Paul's Review]




Bleed splits neatly into two categories.  On one side is STUFF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND.  And on the other is THE PLOT.   Bleed excels in keeping each from having anything to do with the other. 

STUFF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND includes:
(1) Passive Aggressive Relationships
(2) Peer Pressure
(3) Untimely Horniness

THE PLOT includes . . .
. . . Hmmm.  This is really difficult to put into a list.  It’s really apples and oranges.  Or apples and BLOOD oranges, amirite?  Ok, here goes, but this ain’t going to be close:  

 (1)  A Cult
(2)  A Morally Conflicted Killer Ghost/Fireball/DNA Experiment
(3)  A woman standing in a field, screaming
(4)  ????
(5)  Profit!

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

THE REZORT (2015) [Paul's Review]




Hey, look at this, our first zombie movie!  *presses play*  Hey, look at this, our first expository news sequence!   


Tuesday, February 14, 2017

CLINICAL (2017) [Joe's Review]


In Clinical, a psychiatrist struggles with the ghost of a patient, literally and figuratively.

Clinical is a movie in three parts. The first is the main plot and it takes an hour and a half. It's super boring. I'm going to fill this review full of pictures of the psychiatrist looking bored so that you really get the idea. Anyway, the plot is about a psychiatrist’s struggle with the fact that she gave a patient tons of meds and bad advice, leading to the patient flipping out and cutting her own throat with a piece of glass.

Monday, February 6, 2017

CLINICAL (2017) [Paul's Review]

This is a review written without the use of the delete key.  I’m just going for it, as fast as possible typos be damned.  Why so fast you as? Ask?  Because Clinical is slowly leaving my mind.  I mean quickly .  it’s the sort of thing that you know isn’t going to stick in your head at all, so I have to write fast.  There is an urgency here, desperate, the alternative. . .i mean, if I don’t get this all out in the next twenty minutes, the movie will be gone from my memory and then I have to sart again.  I mean “start” .  So what if the punctuation is all screwy and my jokes aren’t funny.  This isn’t a time for laughs anyway.  This is crunch time.  This is for all the marbles.  This is so that I don’t have to watch Clinical again.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Next 4, January 2017

2017.  The year of the rooster.  Or, as placemats at Chinese restaurants used to say to our endless juvenile delight: the year of the cock.

How to kick it off?  With four new movies delivered straight up from our Netflix overlords, of course!  Oh man, I hope we can get through this stuff quickly, because I see some titles a little further down the list that look pretty great.  Like The Wailing for instance.  But that's like way down there.

And we aren't bumping anyone up, no matter how stylish and scary and cool they may look.  Who knows?  Maybe Bleed: Reap The Flesh is going to be the thoughtful, smart, thriller that no one who sees its pregnant-belly-inscribed-with-sigil cover thinks it could be!  Come on Bleed, we're rooting for you!  Reap that flesh!

Next Four Up:
1.  Clincial (2017)
2.  The Rezort (2016)
3.  Bleed: Reap the Flesh (2016)
4.  The Secrets of Emily Blair (2016)

As always, we invite you watch these with us, because it's safer if we stick together.



Friday, January 27, 2017

September-December Wrap!

One year later and the Rock, Paper, Hatchet project is still, barely, alive.  It refuses to die!  It refuses! It looks at the bottom of its "to do" list, sees "die gracefully," and says "No thank you sir.  I prefer this horrifyingly slow and painful crawl of putrescent ignominy."

Last December, we started up this blog with the intention of reviewing four random recent horror titles a month.  That quickly dropped to four movies every two months.  And finally, clawing and scraping to the finish, we managed four movies in the last four months.  Pay no attention to the fibonacci-series-like trend, for we are turning things around in 2017!

But first, let's say goodbye to the four final movies of 2016.  We hardly knew ye!

And what a way to end--this was definitely the "group of death" in our tournament.  Three of these were all legitimate contenders and could have easily won if they were seeded in earlier rounds.  And the other one was 13 Cameras.

Paul's Rankings (with links to his reviews):

1.  They're Watching:  Surprisingly entertaining found footage horror movie in an HGTV house hunters reality show frame.  This historical charmer is a three bedroom, two bath craftsman with walk-in closets and an authentic witch-burning stake at the center of a verdant landscaped yard.  Great for entertaining guests or sacrificing them!

2.  Holidays:  This horror anthology didn't quite make the top of the list because of Kevin Smith's excruciating Halloween segment.  But Easter and Father's Day were a couple of the best horror things of the year, in my opinion.  Joe disagrees with me about Easter, which he found in poor taste.  We need a tie-breaker: what did you think?

3.  The Curse of Sleeping Beauty:  The bizarre mannequin-driven dark fantasy was nowhere near the even the bottom half of the movies we've reviewed.  But here it sits anyway.  Tough luck, Sleeping Beauty.  It's like you're cursed or something.

4.  13 Cameras:  Most unlikable character of the year vs. masturbating swole grandpa.  Not a whole lot of rooting interests in this one.

Joe's Rankings (with links to his reviews):

1.  They're Watching:  Writing about scary movies is fun, but talking about them isn't! Exhibit A: when I discuss Rockpaperhatchet with friends and family, no one wants to hear about movies to not watch. That's why the only movie I ever bring up is They're Watching. It's the only good scary movie we've covered.

2.  Holidays:  Is actually a close second to They're Watching. I almost talk about it but the Easter episode is too disturbing for polite conversation.

4.  13 Cameras:  is like a cheeseburger you really aren't in the mood for - stuffed into your mouth by a gross hairy landlord. Even though there are some good parts, you won't want to go through it twice.

3.  The Curse of Sleeping Beauty: must be amnesia because I have zero recollection of this film. I guess I'll go read about it! Heyo, page view!


Monday, January 16, 2017

13 CAMERAS (2015) [Joe's Review]


In 13 Cameras, the protagonists have all the wrong anxieties. They’re worried about their marriages, their jobs, their affairs. But really they should be worried about the insane landlord hiding in their basement with a ball peen hammer.

Friday, January 6, 2017

13 CAMERAS (2015) [Paul's Review]




Ryan’s marriage is falling apart.  His wife is pregnant and can’t eat swordfish, but guess what he brought home for their dinner party?   And he’s late for the dinner anyway, because he was busy getting busy with his pretty assistant.  He confides in his friend Paul, and, wouldn’t you know it, Paul tells his wife who turns around and tells Ryan’s wife.  So the next thing Ryan knows he’s out on his porch with nothing but a bag full of clothes.  And, just when you think Ryan has hit rock bottom, the mistress-assistant turns up bound and gagged in his basement.  It all looks awfully swordfishy for Ryan.  How is he going to wiggle out of this one?

Friday, November 11, 2016

THE CURSE OF SLEEPING BEAUTY (2016) [Joe's Review]

In The Curse of Sleeping Beauty, a tortured artist is sure he can end his nightmares by finding and waking a mysterious woman named Briar Rose. Little does he know, the nightmare has only just begun!

There was recently an article in The Ringer about Blumhouse and how they make bold, serious dramas that are also scary movies. Apparently, if you add a possession here and an Ouija board there, you can make the kinds of movies that serious filmgoers want to see.

I wouldn’t know!

Because those are NOT the films we’re reviewing here. If Blumhouse produces art camouflaged as B-horror, our movies are the camouflage! The Curse of Sleeping Beauty is a fine example. It tells the story of a young artist named Thomas who inherits a haunted mansion, its mysteries, and a cursed bloodline! The curse means he can’t leave the mansion, but when he sleeps there, he usually wakes up to things like this: