My favorite thing about I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in
the House is the opening line:
“I have heard myself say that a house with a death in it can
never again be bought or sold by the living. It can only be borrowed from the
ghosts that have stayed behind.”
Why is she attributing a quote to herself? Does this mean
this is something she’s said before? When the fuck did she say that? At a
dinner party?
“Steve and I just bought the most charming house.”
“A wise woman, me actually, always says that a house with a
death in it can never be bought or sold by the living.”
“What?”
“It can only be borrowed from the ghosts that have stayed
behind.”
“What if the ghost was a renter?”
“…Well, then I guess you would sublet.”
Such power! I gotta try it out.
I always say, two bananas does not make a bunch!
Once upon a time when I was also talking, I noted that you
should never purchase a car from a fruit farmer because they’re likely to sell
you a watermelon! … I often hear myself butcher jokes!
Once your imagination stops vibrating from these
incredible possibilities, you’re treated to the scene of a blurry woman in
white walking backwards:
Note to the director: It takes her 35 seconds. if you’d had her walk forward this
scene would have taken half the time. If she had sprinted out it would have
been like a second!
After that, we’re treated to a sequence of images of
inanimate objects. This goes on forever!
And it’s definitely the best part of the movie after the self-quoted real
estate advice.
Anyway, the general plot is:
Nurse looks after old woman, finds the ghost stories she
wrote, sees the ghost they were written about, dies.
This is her dying:
Yeah, I know you can't see it. This is what she’s flipping out about.
You probably can't see that either. It's a picture of a pretty ghost who looks confused by the woman flipping out in the corner.
I can’t write a joke about that.
I…can’t write a joke about that.
I often hear myself say….pfffffffff….*sigh*
*SEASONS CHANGE, TIME PASSES BY, AS THE WEEKS BECOME THE
MONTHS BECOME THE YEARS*
*Six months later*
Well fuck it. Anyway. Here’s what this movie needed: the
nurse, the old woman, the boss, the ghost, they all should have been played by
John Malkovich.
Questions for Paul!
1. What do you often hear yourself say?
PH: Oh, hello cat, come to cuddle? . . . ouch, fuck!
2. Does the ghost ownership statute also apply to trailers and condos?
PH: Yes, Joe, it does. But, little known fact, if you've got a ghost in your house, and the house was purchased before 2012, you qualify for a mortgage interest deduction anyway. But only if the ghost was already there at the date of purchase. You can't just kill someone in your house and get a deduction, because that's totally begging for an audit.
3. Why does the ghost walk backward?
PH: To get to the other side. Get it? . . . GET IT?! I often hear myself say, you could have done better, Paul.
4. Is there a ghost she could have seen that wouldn't have killed her?
PH: No. Is there a movie we could have seen that wouldn't have killed our motivation to review it?
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