Tuesday, February 28, 2017

THE REZORT (2015) [Joe's Review]

In Rezort, humanity has gotten the zombie epidemic under control, OR HAS IT?!

The thing that annoys me the most about The Rezort is how surprised everyone acts when the zombie amusement park (full of real un-live zombies!) goes Jurassic Park and all the zombies run amok. It’s not that the zombies get loose, it’s the fact that all the survivors are shocked and bewildered. Didn’t they JUST survive the zombie apocalypse? If there’s one situation everyone on earth should be super familiar with, shouldn’t this be it?

The answer is no. Yet again, an ever dwindling cast of survivors tries to get from point A to point B while zombies jump out of nowhere and pick them off. It’s just like every other Zom-pocalypse (pro-tip: if you ever need to spell Zom-pocalypse, just spell apocalypse first, then delete the ‘a’ then add ‘Zom-‘ onto the front. If you don’t, you’ll wind up in a spelling house of horrors where any letter could be a ‘y’ to your bewildered imagination).

You see what I did right there? I learned from a challenge. I wish The Rezort would do the same. 

If only it had an imagination. Can you imagine how much better Pirates of the Caribbean would be with zombies? Or Small World?

Instead, the resort features a zombie shooting range where zombies are strapped to boards and swung helplessly in front of windows.

And there’s also a huge canyon full of zombies into which the survivors shoot high powered rifles.

How about a dinner theater zombie rendition of Hamlet where the dialog is all groans and gurgles yet somehow everyone can still follow the plot?

What if you put a zombie in a Mickey Mouse costume and let it stagger around giving hugs?

Such potential.

There are a couple things that actually happen in The Rezort the movie that are worth covering. The first is the story arc of the blond woman who inadvertently unleashes the zombies and kills everyone. She’s trying to steal data from the Rezort for her activist friends, but they put a virus in her USB stick that lets all the ghouls loose.

There’s blood on her hands!

Which is helpfully illustrated in these scenes where she gets blood on her hands:

And there she is in front of a bloody hand-print:

And then she gets bitten on the hand! It looks like DUH DUH DUHHHHH the blood on her hands is her own!

This doesn’t mean anything. I’m not even sure it’s an intentional visual motif aside from the first case. But when a movie doesn’t entertain you, sometimes you have to entertain yourself!

Even though The Rezort is ostensibly about surviving a zombie attack, the emotional core of the movie resides in the final girl. Traumatized by the loss of the Zom-pocalypse, her boyfriend takes her to the Rezort for some exposure therapy.

Her arc can be summed up in these steps:

A moody, panoramic phase:

The “Stand next to the tough guy” phase:

And then the “Running” phase, where she defeats the island-based zombie attack by running and jumping into the water.

Oh yeah. Zombies on an island. Guess you could just…run and jump into the water. Probably from any point really, it being an island.

Let’s look at that map again? They went all that way and the answer was just to jump in the water?

They followed the black arrows. But, couldn't they have just gone the other way and jumped straight into the water?

\Speaking of questions! So Paul...

1) What do you think would be a good zombie theme-park attraction?

PH:  The zombie zen garden!  You tie rakes to their backs and they make meditative and contemplative designs in the sand.  It's a place to reflect on what we've come to and our existential purpose.  It's also a place to taunt zombies into drawing crude obscenities.

2) Should the final girl have developed more as a runner over the course of the movie?

PH:  Why?  Does she run funny?  I didn't notice.  Is that because I run funny?  Oh no!  It's right-left-right, right?  How hard are you supposed to pump your arms?  A LOT, right?  Or is it not at all?  Ugh!  I hate this class!  Oh wait.  I'm an adult, so I don't have to run unless I want to continue to live. 

3) If the saliva is the zombie-fier, shouldn't they have defanged their zombies? Would that be inhumane?

PH:  I'm pretty sure zombie oral hygiene ain't the tops.  Those teeth will come out on their own.  Though "zombie flossing" would be an awesome one-act play.

4) What other monsters would be fun to build a theme park around?

PH:  Too many choices in this category!  But if I had to choose, just off the top of the old noggin, I'd go with Lovecraftian Eldrich Horrors, because Cthulu funnel cake.

But I'll tell you what monsters wouldn't be fun.  Werewolves.  Because for 30 days out of the month, it would just be like a regular theme park.  Or Medusas.  Because you'd be waiting in line FOREVER.

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