Wednesday, June 21, 2017

First Half of 2017 Wrap!

Well, hey there.  Remember what we said back in January about Rock, Paper, Hatchet picking up the pace and turning stuff out on a regular schedule?  Neither do we!

It took us half a year to cover the previous four movies.  That's not so great.  But Joe just had a baby.  And that's really great!  It's great for him because babies are reportedly really awesome things to have.  And it's great for me because, besides being happy for him, I now have a plausible excuse for only writing four reviews in six months!  How could I, in good conscience, have written any faster when Joe was working so hard with his new responsibilities?  It would have been WRONG.

But hey, while I've got you on the line, I want to humblebrag that RPH has had a noticeable uptick in pageviews recently.   A lot of this has to do with our reviews of movies that almost no one else reviewed--"Fairlane Road," "The Secrets of Emily Blair," and "The Hollow" for example.  So thank you for the pageviews and the lone Google+ recommendation we got!  It still blows me away that people we don't even know find these reviews randomly and actually read them.  And it isn't even just Ukrainian spambots anymore!

Though, come to think of it, I don't know where our loyal spambots went to.  Did we say something offensive?  I'm not sure how to alienate unconscious strings of benignly parasitic code--but we did it! Either that or they watched Awaken on our recommendation and it melted their little mechanical brains.

Now, to the rankings!

PAUL'S RANKINGS (with links to his reviews)

1.  Bleed (2016):  A collection of thirty-somethings are stalked by ghosts and a rural cult for the possession of an unborn suburbanite.  It doesn't make a lick of sense, but the fact that it doesn't try is sort of refreshing.

2.  The Rezort (2016):  Trouble goes down at an island resort where people pay to kill zombies with machine guns.   The red camo shorts made an impression on me.  That's how easy it is to make it to number 2 in this four-way pillow fight.

3.  Clinical (2016):  Something about a psychiatrist that wallows in seemingly endless therapy sessions.  There are no red camo shorts in Clinical, but it does have a gruesome gross-out scene near the end that warrants putting it above . . .

4.  The Secrets of Emily Blair (2016):  Emily Blair is possessed by a demon and only two priests and a well-groomed fiance can save her!  This is done by baby-birding her holy water.  I'm not shitting you.

JOE'S RANKINGS (with links to his reviews)

1.  Clinical (2016):  Normally when someone asks you to rank a short list your imagination begins whirring with possibilities. "Which one will I choose first," you wonder, "which will receive the honor of my favor?" Now imagine saying these things to yourself while looking at a Del Taco menu and share in my hopelessness. "Which permutation of guacamole, steak, and french fries is superior to the others? Are there any ingredients in the Epic Bacon Ranch Chicken Avocado Burrito not included in the title?"

Clinical is my first choice because it had one thing I really liked in it. So while it may be the Epic Bacon Ranch Chicken Avocado Burrito of cinema, at least it had bacon.

2.  The Secrets of Emily Blair (2016):  Did you know there's a secret menu of food items at Del Taco known only to the most dedicated consumers of trash? What a perfect metaphor for RockPaperHatchet! We are the Del Taco Secret Menu of blogs. And that can only mean that The Secrets of Emily Blair is the Buntaco - the least congruous thing on the menu. And even more confusing than the dislocated forest-of-the-soul story-line it attempts is the fact that it attempted it in the first place. Why is it 2nd and not 4th? Buntac-if-I-know.

3.  Bleed (2016):  Did you know that at Del Taco you can "Go Bold" and they'll put Secret Sauce and fries on whatever you just ordered? Bleed goes bold with an incredibly unlikely rape scene and the murder of a pregnant woman. And I guess french fries. I'm just slapping shit together here because I am the Del Taco employee of bloggers.

4.  The Rezort (2016):  The Stoner Burrito is like a half pound bean and cheese burrito with french fries in it. That's it? Yes, that's it. And that's exactly the same reaction you'll have to The Rezort, unless you're high enough to be impressed by french fries in a bean-n-cheese burrito. In which case, do we have the movie for you!


1 comment:

  1. The Secret of Emily Blair: The only thing that stops a bad guy from vomiting in your mouth is a good guy vomiting in your mouth.